Miniscule acts of vindictiveness - a sign of female inventiveness, or powerlessness?

Women are less able to be assertive, as it's frowned upon, so probably more likely to do this kind of stuff before they burst with uncontrollable rage. Not sure whether you are more likely to go the passive-agressive route if you are over 50, say (my age incidentally) as assertiveness is getting more acceptable, but not there yet. But yes, I would worry about my marriage if I wanted to do this stuff.

Sorry - nor do I think it's a male thing. Just a stupid, 'oh look at me, aren't I a card!' kind of stupid thing.

I don't think it's a female thing. I think it's a small-minded, stupid thing.

it reminded me of the poke, poke, poke my dd went through a phase of with ds (she was a much quicker thinker as a child, knew what buttons to push, and could really upset him with words, and little digs, and subtle almost un-noticeable prodding).

I recognise this with DS1 who's surprisingly emotionally aware, and DS2 who's more of a blunt instrument. I punish them both in these circumstances - I make sure DS1 knows that I know what he's doing, and I make sure DS2 knows that violence isn't the answer, no matter how annoyed he is because he could really hurt DS1.

Actually, punishment generally isn't needed, they're both actually pretty good kids, and talking/discussion does more than an arbitrary punishment (punishment doesn't work with DS1 at all actually, although is a bit more effective with DS2).

Hiding remotes only works (for instance) if it's like-for-like - eg. DP always takes the remote and leaves it in the kitchen, or hiding the loo-roll if he always picks it up and puts it out of reach of the toilet, or - and this would be a last resort - dipping your embroidery scissors in chilli if he persistently steals them to cut his nostril hairs... Otherwise, it is just mean, and probably you need to look at why you need to do that sort of thing to someone you've said you want to share your life with.

I think, hope, it's not a female thing!

It's small, petty stuff, by small minded people

Sad really

I read that thread expecting it to be lighthearted but it was really quite disturbing.

I just can't get my head doing or considering doing half the things mentioned to a partner and yet considering that relationship happy or claiming to love them.

I think you will get a skewed view though as it's mostly female posters. If something similar was posted on pistionheads the confessions would be mostly men and you could do a comparison.

My children used to hide my keys as a joke, and then put them back. They thought it was very funny, until one day I completely cracked up because I thought I was going mad. I was really upset by it, and very relieved when ds told me. He never did it again.

That was my thought when I read about those things too, Lass. My partner has a family history of dementia, and it would be deeply cruel of me to start hiding/moving things or playing other 'harmless' tricks, leaving him wondering if it's early symptoms of the awful disease he lost his mum and granddad to. If I hated him enough to do something like that, I would not be with him in the first place.

I really hope most of those posts are made up, though honestly it's disturbing that anyone would come up with them even as 'wishful thinking'. Many of them sound straight-up abusive.

things like hiding the remote for a bit seem harmless and funny though

No, not really. Especially if the person was absolutely certain they had left something in a specific place and especially if the person is say mid 50s and over where things not being where you are sure you put them can be worrying.

Sorry, that sounded as though I was saying that the men involved would be justified in turning round and hitting them. I'm not saying that at all, but I can understand someone wanting to - and that's not a healthy relationship at all. One person gleefully winding another up, and the windee feeling furious all the time.

I couldn't live like that - either as winder or windee.

I actually didn't find the thread remotely funny, but I know I'd be called all sorts of professionally offended if I said so, so I hid it.

I think passive-aggressiveness of some of the acts that were being gleefully described might drive me into wanting to thump someone. I'm not saying violence is justified, but it reminded me of the poke, poke, poke my dd went through a phase of with ds (she was a much quicker thinker as a child, knew what buttons to push, and could really upset him with words, and little digs, and subtle almost un-noticeable prodding).

Every so often he'd lose his temper and thump her. I'd always punish him for it, but sometimes I felt she pretty much deserved it. Because it was his only defence - he couldn't beat her with words, he couldn't find the things of his she'd hidden, so he hit out. I spent ages trying to explain to her not to do it, she got her fair share of consequences when I caught her, and thankfully she grew out of it.

Much of that thread could be described as emotional abuse, if it's true, and if it's ongoing.

I hope most of it is made up. A lot of it is really disturbed or at the very least, deeply worrying.

I could just about understand the anger towards cheating exes but putting laxatives up the arse of a sleeping current partner or forcing them to shit in a litter tray? Wiping up piss around toilets with their clothes? Setting alarms in the night to switch off things they're recording on TV?

Fucking hell. Leave if you hate them that much.

Just read the whole thread.
Not all of them are between females and males though.
There's lots of housemates, work colleagues. All female.
All seems very petty.
And some of it I'm sure is made up.

Black

Me too

But let's not forget that it was AIBU. Which is about 70% trolls and fantasists nowadays

I get that women can feel trapped and powerless in abusive relationships (and that many men do far worse things to their partners than even the worst on that thread), but I didn't get the sense that most of the posts were coming from that perspective. A lot of the posters just sounded like nasty people who enjoy abusing or humiliating others.

Yes there can be power imbalances in male/female relationships, and it's not always as simple as saying 'what if it was the other way round', but there was also what sounds like aggressive bullying of work colleagues, i.e. the poster who described revving her car engine at her colleague crossing the road (threatening to run her over?) to the point where the colleague had to change her route to avoid this person.

I suppose that's about power in a way, i.e. the person sitting in the car feeling stronger and more powerful than the pedestrian/cyclist (maybe the only time they ever get to feel empowered)? I've had that thing done to me in the past, though, and it's not so funny when you're the pedestrian.

Dotty

It's not a TAAT. It's more of a philosophical discussion of issues raised in the OPs mind by it

I'm pretty sure an awful lot of the posts on that thread were lies, but god knows how anyone could want to boast about, for example, giving their partner viagra or laxatives without their knowledge. So, so far from funny.

Well I think vindictiveness and PA behaviour is really the opposite of assertiveness, and women, historically have had a problem with developing assertiveness in the first place, and when behaving assertively, it being perceived as aggression

So yes, I think I agree with you that the less power someone has, or feels they have, the more inclined to more sneaky means of venting feelings they'll be

I hate practical jokes

The toothbrush around the bath taps is absolutely awful. Dh was apparently nice too. My dh and I have a great relationship and if he did this after one of my mood swings (and there are many since dd was born) I would feel pretty heartbroken to be honest. (And then I'd go throw up.) It would make me view him in a completely different light.

I do think if men revealed they were doing such things to their wives it would be viewed in a less favourable way.

Pranks and things like hiding the remote for a bit seem harmless and funny though. Even some of the petty things made me laugh. I think we're in danger of over analysing to a certain degree. The ones that were off stuck out like a sore thumb to me. The rest of the thread was very funny I thought!

I think a lot of that thread is a masterclass in gaslighting your partner. Grim.

TAAT - good luck with this one.

I read the thread and actually read aloud some of it to DH. In disgust. We have our ups and downs but never resort to anything like this. We have an equal relationship with equal power balance. We don’t have equal incomes, equal career ambitions or equal health. But we respect each other, our differences and how we come together as a team.

The petty shite just smacks of inequality to me, and being deeply unhappy/insecure with themselves.