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Original poster

Advice from a mental health specialist re women's roles

83 replies

doobadodobedoey · 11/12/2017 22:01

I visit a mental health specialist to help me keep things in check, usually addressing the every day things in life getting me down and finding new ways of perceiving them/planning for things.
Last time I saw her I explained my frustration at the role of women in the home. I'd been ill and found that when I slowed down, so did my DH, rather than taking on the things I couldn't do.
I've recently been to see her again and we discussed solutions, in an email, she confirmed the stance I ought to take. Acceptance.
she said that many women are the driving force of the home and when we slow down, it's natural that everyone else does. Therefore I need to accept this to be at peace with it.
I very much struggle to accept this. Why are women expected to be the driving force of the home when men are capable of filling their shoes when women are too ill to function? I don't get it.
Am I being unreasonable to refuse to accept this when I next meet with her?

OP posts:
GuardianLions · 11/12/2017 23:12

dooba being ground down by domestic drudgery when the other adult in the house doesn't pick up the slack -is worth being irate about. Injustice is infuriating, and if it doesn't infuriate you then your spirit has been snuffed.

On a practical level, there are only a tiny percentage of men who do their fair share, and being with a more common type of man - you can't really change them that much if they haven't had it instilled in them at an early age.

Perhaps you could book yourself into a travelodge or something for a few days while you are ill so you don't have to face the chaos, and summons the strength to fight a bit when you get back?

I hope you feel better soon Flowers

Haggisfish · 11/12/2017 22:59

I agree with get another.

PricklyBall · 11/12/2017 22:57

dooba - is this NHS funded, or paid for out of your own pocket? If you're paying, I'd suggest finding another counsellor. This one sounds shocking.

Original poster
doobadodobedoey · 11/12/2017 22:26

I find it disappointing that women are still perceiving things this way in this day and age. My DH does his fair share generally, but it really dawned on me how much the mental load is down to me when I couldn't do it and DH just wanted to sit around with his head in the sand as of he was lost or something. I was shocked by it.

Surely there's a medium between acceptance and losing my shit/being single forever?

OP posts:
WhatWouldGenghisDo · 11/12/2017 22:17

What Gapaca said.

The only good reason for accepting this situation would be if you felt that refusing to accept it would do you harm

Or at any rate more harm

Flowers
Dozer · 11/12/2017 22:09

I didn’t challenge them on it, I just decided that they were not a good source of help on those kind of challenges. Few people in RL are IME, eg friends. MN and online is better for that kind of thing?

Dozer · 11/12/2017 22:07

I have had a similar suggestion from a couple of (female) MH professionals.

One otherwise helpful counsellor suggested that I be more mindful and present while doing dull domestic tasks! At that moment I was mindful of wanting to tell her to F off!

I guess some MH professionals are not staunch feminists!

Or perhaps they were saying that reality is pretty crap and sometimes it’s easier - for oneself- to detach or accept (if you’re not going to end the relationship) than to fight “the man”/“the system”.

Gacapa · 11/12/2017 22:03

Fuck that.

I hope you're ok.