Trans Widows escape committee

Thanks bird, it does a bit, but not necessarily in a bad way, if that makes sense. For so long I thought it was just me - just me that this had happened to, and just me that was the cause/root of the problem (because that's what he told me) and the more I learn from stories like yours and everyone else's the more I can see that it really wasn't. The narrative is so so similar - ironic really, as they all tell themselves they're so unique .

Funnily enough, his latest gf called me a few months ago for some reason and we got on really well - it appears that he hasn't changed at all in the meantime, and I felt relieved that it wasn't part of my life any more.

I do feel cheated - for myself and for our children - of the family life I thought we'd had and would have. I don't think he will ever understand that. Never mind the headfuck he put me through.

If this thread and others like it can enlighten other women and make them see that this isn't how their lives have to be, then it can only be a good thing.

I am certain Shannon wouldn't have been allowed to give that talk in the UK, and if she had, she would have faced a lot of abuse from activists.

Abbey, glad you got out, sorry if this is bringing bad things up again for you.

Given how closely our husbands and ex all seem to follow the same script, how similar these men are in action, it does slightly detract from their assertions that they are unique victims of their special essence.

Mine has let people believe I am crazy, that I have sexual difficulties, and that I have had an affair.

I am not so sure that nowadays I would need to let this happen. Not my secret, and anyway, if I were to keep him in the closet wouldn't that make me the bigot?

She talks about a community of wives, does anyone know who she is referring to? I need friends who understand the crazy.

bird. As far as I know she was talking in Belgium. I don’t know how that helps, if at all.

Maybe google her and see where a bit of Internet surfing takes you.

Hi, I'm another one here to count in.... I'm 15 years out of my marriage now, but these stories, well, they are mine too. It wasn't so open then, and I never told anyone what was going on. I thought I was the only one. I wish I'd known then what I know now - I don't think I'd be quite so fucked up if I had. I don't think I'll ever have a proper relationship again.

Counselling then was less than helpful - one counsellor told me it was my 'unsympathetic attitude' that was causing the problems and another was so agog at the lurid details that she couldn't help her eyes popping out on stalks and gasping 'wow, what did he do then?' and 'how did that make you feel' The answer was 'shit then and even more shit now' and I haven't been back since. I thought I could just parcel it up and lock it away, but it doesn't work like that, does it? I'm actually scared now to try and deal with it because I think I might just go into meltdown and then what...?

We had two sons, who were 6 and 9 when we separated. They had no idea about any of it; I didn't want anything to change the way they looked at their dad. I didn't say anything to anyone else because I felt protective of his professional name and reputation, which would have been affected (20 years ago there wasn't much trans-acceptance) but he threw me under the bus and told everyone that I'd left him for another man.

The lies, deceit, the escalation and barging through of boundaries (I'd tried so hard to find some way we could accommodate his needs), the gaslighting... It's all so clear with hindsight, but when you're in the middle of it, you just can't see a way out. Reading these accounts brings it all back.

Tinsel,

My worry about anti depressants is that by using them I might then find this situation more tolerable, be numb to the grim. I feel he is so tricky I need to be sharp.

I probably misunderstand how they work etc. I want to know that any decisions I make are my own.

Maybe later, but not now. I am very glad they worked for you.

That video!

It was harrowingly accurate, the spiral from tranny porn, my experience is freakishly similar.

Wow, thanks for the share.

She talks about a community of wives, does anyone know who she is referring to? I need friends who understand the crazy.

I suppose any one that selfish or narcissistic will seek a partner they can control, even if it's only subconsciously. Anyone who isn't kind and soft hearted enough to let them have what they want will have been ditched quickly.

KOKO ladies

thesamesamestory

''Its OK - I'm not gay'' is the trans widow version of 'But we took you to Stately Homes''.
I do wonder if they target abuse survivors, who tend to be easier to isolate than those with strong family ties.

( the Stately Homes thread; www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/891903-39-But-We-Took-You-to-Stately-Homes-39-a )

Thanks for the video Datun

I am also on your side.

I’ve just see this short video from a woman whose husband has come out as trans.

She is calm, incisive and rational. She remarks how her husband transitioning has actually made him more unhappy. And how the media are oh so reluctant to talk about this.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=M3mnUMmUAHQ&feature=youtu.be

women. But your male partners piss me off. Devious, controlling, self-centred, entitled fetishists.
I know of women who daren't tell their male partners they are on anti-depressants and the like. I am glad you are writing here, doing your own thing, despite their attempts to totally control you (although please be safe).
You deserve to have your situation understood and to have that name for your condition 'trans widows'.
Sorry I have nothing useful to say - but I am on your side.

I wonder whether some women are blindsided by the 'unique' nature of this fetish? What I have read above seems on a par with the emotional abuse and coercive control relationships that I read on the relationships board
To those of you lovely women upthread affected, perhaps spend some time looking at some of the threads on that board where you can see women starting to clear their heads (with the support of others) and start to make some moves to regain control and remove themselves from their toxic relationships? The principles are the same - even though the presentation of these situations seems very different - and are perhaps particularly silencing?

oh these stories are so so so sad. I wish you all the strength to get away from these awful men. For as much as they think they are women, it's a rare woman who is so utterly selfish and neglectful of others' feelings as these men.

to you all. Please don't let these men take you away from yourselves. Their fetish is not your fault or fate.

Name changed for this.

Holy hell, are we all married to the same man? Here's mine:

• high earner in IT

• started with stockings, just an occasional sex thing, then wanted it more and more, and now after 16 years of marriage he has "always been a girl inside" and "if I love him I should love the real him, I'm sorry, her"

• also moved us far, far away from family and friends - now I have no earnings, no support network, and no work permit

• says my "trust issues" are due to my "PTSD from my childhood" and don't have anything to do with his well kept secrets or double life. Also says I have to go and "fix my issues" and then we can be happy

• sex life always a bit crap and he doesn't want it that often - apparently it's way more interesting to stare at himself in the mirror in skirts and stockings and every now and then lift the skirt so he can admire the outline of his ladydick

• spends his money on clothes - he only has "a dozen or so" skirts whereas I manage with two or three. Although I no longer want to wear feminine clothing since they remind me of his male body in silly little girl dresses.

• admits he wants to be "taken" by a big burly man while wearing "girly" clothes but apparently this is not gay because he doesn't want to know the man (?)

• always talks of being "a girl" and the outfits he likes are mostly for teenagers, even though he's a gray haired 46-year-old and built like a rugby player

Holy moly Emily. Please locate some cash, and use it to speak to a lawyer. KNOWING what your out situation really might be, would be great therapy. He will if he is anything like mine, he thinks that everyone has a price. Right now he is acting as if he owns you. Lawyer up. Assume he has all the usual on your phone and leave it at home, make paper notes. Could you buy a PAYG for typing here etc? Knowing you are clawing back some control helps.

You don't need to act on it, I am not trying to bully you into leaving, but knowing helps. You might decide to laugh at his satin clad repellent ass, if it nets you X per year and you fancy a nice retirement away, once the kids are grown. Or you might discover that despite his threats, you will be OK.

This isn't your secret to keep. If he insists on living this way, let him explain himself to the kids and family once you have gone. You could be very Nicole Kidman about it, dignity is attractive. Let this foolish man make a fool of himself. If you weren't there "as an anchor" what would he do? And would this prove you correct and not crazy?

Take photos. Not to hurt him with, photos of his stuff if not of him. Document this binge, what he says, because next time he is on a martyr purge, he will try to minimise your experience, make you question your memory. If you document you will know, really know, that it is him and not you whose grasp on reality is questionable.

And if you can find a way of stopping this being on your mind all the time, if you can sleep through the night, please tell me how!

Emily. Please know that you have lots of women here to listen. You do what you need to and we will be here for support whatever happens.

You sound very strong but your husband sounds like he has made you feel like you have no options. But you do. You’re articulate and clever and insightful and if you did just leave you would find a way to make things work for you and your children. I’m not pushing you to do this, I obviously respect your decision to do what feels right.

What he is putting you through is intolerable. You don’t need to justify to anyone why it is. It’s coercive and abusive.

If you did leave, do you have family or friends you could stay with until you find your feet?

I just wonder whether biding your time with him means that due to his controlling behaviour you can’t actually form a plan to leave him. Maybe the nuclear option of just leaving unexpectedly would allow you to have space to think through the best route forward for you and your children.

Emily your husband sounds like a real charmer! "I want, I want, I want!" Where do your needs come in all of this? Are they ever voiced and acknowledged by him or just swept aside because his needs are "more important"?

Emily,
I know you said upthread that you were 'too old, too tired and too invested' to leave (and I also know that this isn't the relationships board). But you are being emotionally abused at every step of the way. He was 'forceful' that you shouldn't take anti depressants, you have to lie about seeing a therapist and doctor?
It is evident that he has done such a number on you that you sound so helpless. But you know, women do get themselves and their children out of the most abusive of relationships. Have you looked at Lundy Banccrost 'Why does he do that? '

There is a wealth of support available on mumsnet for women in abusive relationships. You just sound so helpless but there really is another option of freedom from control and abuse. I do hope you don't mind me saying this, it's not meant to be hurtful.

I've just stopped my sessions with my lovely therapist. I felt that I was using it as an expensive way to whinge and moan, leaving me feeling more upset and with even more questions that needed resolving within myself. Also, I had to lie about seeing her as my husband would be livid if he knew I was talking to anyone else about this also he would think it very self-indulgent of me. I also hated the lies - said I was seeing a Dr but not that it was therapy - I'm a very open person and hate hiding and lying.

I was put on anti depressant medication but he was extremely forceful that I not take them, so if I take them I have to do it secretly.

Back in the Pink Fog this week, which I knew was coming. Said I would join him if he only wore lingerie but not good enough - full on girl mode or nothing - he will do it on his own without me - I'm not invited into this sex life at the moment.
Just using this thread to document how I feel and to document that it is happening - sometime I down play the situation - this is my record of it happening and people out there can hear me too.

Bird You are in a vortex, so it's hardly surprising that it's a circular whingefest. If you found a counsellor who was good, get yourself back to her. It might only be for an occasional offload rather than a series of sessions but it is essential for your state of mind. It took me at least 3 years to get beyond using time with my counsellor as "this is what happened since last time" to "this is how I move forward".

Many people find themselves ostracised through divorce, and it's really sad, but you do find out who your friends really are. I don't know how much detailed information you share, but I'll give your friends the benefit of the doubt and suggest they don't know how to process the information so they revert to how they have always been with both of you (because being polite is also the terribly British way).