Trans Widows escape committee

I'm often struck by how little the partners of these men seem to matter. My husband cross dresses for sexy kicks. Luckily he doesn't seem to think that actually makes him a woman. I think it's the most sexually unattractive thing I can think of. Oh well. Lol. I do feel betrayed this was never mentioned before marriage.

I was watching a programme about coming out as trans in Swansea. I did feel sorry for the transwoman who was recently coming out but there was a distressed child (and presumably a woman) and they barely got a mention.
I have seen a couple of guardian "question " posts where selfish middle age transwomen get a hard time for treating their families badly. So much self obsession.

You don't see much written about transmen coming out later in life? I wonder why not?!

Hugs to all people effected by this. Its a mess for all concerned.

My ex also challenged the wording I wrote on my divorce petition, disliking my noting the non-negotiable nature of his decision, and its impact on the children. They are a highly sensitive and self-absorbed bunch.
Hello newcomer. It is really tough and we can hear your pain. I think you should consider what YOU want. Not what anyone else wants. What do you want a few years' hence? I fear you will be consumed by his needs and lose yourself. If you do stay, you need to make sure your needs and feelings are equally valid and considered. If you leave, you will surely have plenty of support? Most of my friends agreed they could not have stayed with a man doing this.
I recommend being very practical - I focussed entirely on my finances, keeping a home, and my kids' routine, comfort, safety and having fun (they were 12 and 14 which was delightful and sensitive timing...)
I buried my grief somewhere very far down and only 3 years on feel upset that I lost my husband. It is bereavement with a living and changed person. I expected to get Him in a dress, but ended up with a completely different person, who took on all sorts of new interests and ways of being, and treated those around him in entirely new and negative ways. My kids and I concluded we didn't much like the new person.
So be aware you may not just get the physical change, but someone new whom you don't like much.
You can start again and it is utterly liberating to be free of them, even if it's tough financially and at key times when you miss them.
I'd seriously consider leaving - can you? What is stopping you? If your children are older, would they understand? I think most people do, contrary to the daytime-tv happy stories of women staying.
We can't go on telly to tell our side as our houses would be firebombed!
Good luck. What do you want to do? We are all here for you, out in the Web, so you are not alone.

My condolences to both of you, it seems we are growing in number.

I flip flop from feeling desperately sad for my STBXH, I do think he is being failed by his support system, who are more interested in their appearing progressive and "woke", affirming his route down this path as the only and correct thing to do. Flipping to "hell mend him" as his actions and behaviour is so crappy.

It is always binge and purge and next time he falls out of his pink fog it'll hurt.

Your husband is gone. He did exist as you remember and understood him, don't waste your mind questioning this as he rewrites history. You are in a living bereavement situation.

Get practical, making steps everyday, no matter how small towards protecting you and your kids, creating a future, will help your mental health.

Sorry you are in this club with us all. X

Well done for being brave. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I don’t have experience of this but the other women on this thread will be able to offer advice.

First timer.....my h has gone from cross dresser to Transgender.
Need help and support Please.
I've been reading Transwidow posts for months now and I haven't had the courage to post.
I need help leaving him!! His situation/our marriage is making me ill. We have two young adult children. The morning after my ds went off to Uni h woke up crying. He said he can no longer be who I thought he was but now it's his time to become a 'woman'. After picking myself up from the floor. I have just spent 18 months in a fog of denial while his is steadily morphing into a female. We no longer have a marriage/relationship, I'm not sure why I am still with him. But I haven't wanted to take off those Blinkers. I have been trying to Contain the issue, but he has now taken on female mannerisms, attending Trans events, shaving every part of his body, but happy to be growing a full head of hair.
It hurts likes hell. I am finding it difficult to function, eat, sleep, live......Recently celebrated 25th wedding anniversary with friends.

Hi
Wow. A UK thread on this topic. There is so little out there for women in our position. My husband opted to leave me and my kids 3 years ago to transition. He handled it spectacularly badly after agreeing to transition slowly and carefully, talking to the children, preparing and warning them at each stage (oh, and working with me to do that carefully), but in fact just did it, immediately, and left my children terribly distressed and traumatized. We are now all estranged and he of course blames me for alienating his children from him. (I didn't need to, he did a great job of that himself). The whole thing is a nightmare, and it is hard to talk about as you are IMMEDIATELY labelled 'transphobic'. I'm fascinated that my feelings apparently don't have the same importance and validity as his, and that the trans movement seems to claim special sensitivity and intolerance of any distress or offence, yet my and my children's feelings about our betrayal, the lies, the broken agreements and the repetitive insensitivity (repeat postings of pictures in dresses despite being asked not to, which popped up on my children's screens much to their distress) and selfish disregard for others is rather ironic, isn't it? Phew, good to get this out there. I like others am terrified to even speak of my experiences.

loud no children, not a long relationship. Totally block and ignore time. You don't owe him anything.

A wobble is always understandable. I'm not going to ask anything personal but, if his AGP was part of your relationship or break up then maybe you need to give yourself permission to block and ignore him. Sounds as if he's playing games with you tbh.

He is joining one of the most heavily resourced and funded minority groups ever. Let him find his support there - you're his ex (the clue's in the title). Put your energy into yourself and building up your confidence and resilience (as it sounds a bit as if that might help). Hopefully some of the stories on this thread will be of support

I responded to suggest he gets professional help and that it's his choice and he can choose to take control. He's worried about his mental health.

I don't know now why I'm having a wobble. Just remembering some things from our relationship I think. No kids involved. We weren't together long.

loudalone
If he's your ex, then do you have to respond? I realise that there may be children involved but from reading so many depressing stories of these self indulgent narcissistic men, it seems that distance and ignoring is the way to go.
His porn habit is his alone to resolve - why do you feel that you need to respond? (not meaning to be being harsh, just wondering)?

Feeling quite nervous about contributing to this thread. Worried it'll end up all over twitter. Have started posts and deleted for hours. Also don't want to 'out' my ex. We weren't together long but he's an AGP. He sent me texts this morning worried because he's been watching porn. Wanting my advice? Reassurance? I feel like I've been dragged back into it against my will.

I've suggested he gets professional help. Feeling conflicted because I'm (probably socialised to be) a helpful person who wants to make people feel better. Am also very angry that he's done this.

Birdbandit I am in awe of you, and all you other brave women who are sharing your stories. I haven’t been in your exact position but oh do I recognise the pattern. The depression (my fault), the manipulation (also my fault), the lies (my fault again) and finally the suicide threats (you guessed it). All to position him as the poor, brave soul who was so struggling with his mental health and to position me as the root cause and the heartless bitch who left him when he needed me most.

I can tell you all that 10 years on and married to a new, lovely man who loves and respects me - your lives do not need to and will not always be like this. I can see the same tired old manipulative lies being trotted out with a fresh coat of paint, and I’m just so sorry these men chose this path. It’s not your fault and it never will be, they choose to do this. You are all so strong, and I just wanted you to know that there are others who stand with you, rooting for you all the way

If you don't think this issue affect women read this thread.

I was in a bit of a bad mood this morning!

You are all wonderfully kind. Thank you.

@birdbandit haven't been in this position myself but just wanted to say I'm on your side. You are being incredible and have the patience of a saint.

Limit all contact with your ex as much as you can.

@birdbandit I feel for you. I can't imagine how you feel (even with my shite experiences ). You are a brave and strong woman (even if you don't feel it), I can see that from your posts.

help obviously.

@birdbandit "He is not the good liar of his imagination, he is taking credit for people being polite. I don't think he is anymore convincing than the average flat earthier, or person who believes the queen is a lizard."

Just remember you know what happened and really you and your children are your priority, if others are polite, fine, if they believe him, fine, if not fine. Try not to allow his shenanigans to matter to you, if you can. I know it must be hugely difficult.

"But every time he gets his victim hat on, I'm the one who has "trust issues" that I'm mental, forcing him into depression etc. " But you do not have trust issues, you just don't trust him. It's not the same thing. Do you need to engage with him? Are you living apart now? Is he engaging with you via email, phone, in person? Sorry, can't remember the exact details.

"They spent time dealing with his porn addiction, but again that's my fault. Is he saying it is your fault to you or to others? I think if he is telling others you could either just ignore it or set the record straight only if it comes up and you need to 'defend' yourself. If he is saying this directly to you, can you disengage?

"He wouldn't have a porn addiction if I weren't so mean, it makes him sad/depressed, and porn is an escape. During his stay he wrote another letter which detailed his addiction, chatlines, forums, how many hours a day etc. It was embarrassing to read, and I cannot believe it was anything other than the tip of the iceberg." What response does he expect from you reading all this? What response will you give?

"I cannot believe I was dim enough to marry and have children with this grimwad of a moron." That's the past, we all make mistakes. But you have your lovely children and now you need to focus on the future. They can indeed be kind to him without buying into his circus.

"He's a weird combination of a huge ego, where he has placed himself on a pedestal, but it is a fragile veneer and cracks easily. Then you see the anger and the self loathing." He sounds very dangerous, can you limit how much you engage. He may find hep when he is ready to move on or whatever.

Internalised homophobia is what is making him depressed, and not having the internal resources to deal with "no".

Also my saying "you're not a beautiful genius, you are a very angry man".

He's a weird combination of a huge ego, where he has placed himself on a pedestal, but it is a fragile veneer and cracks easily. Then you see the anger and the self loathing.

I also found out what he has been telling his family, they have cut off contact.

Apparently he is a victim of depression, and I have been so horrible to him, unsupportive, drove him to the brink of suicide.

Not true.

What is true is that he has been given a mild dose of antidepressants.

What is true is that I took him to a private doctor, and begged her to recommend he be checked at the Priory, he was admitted, paid for by his work medical insurance. This wasn't that he was so bad the NHS stepped in.

He was threatening suicide as a means of manipulating me. It was an abusive act. He wrote an 8 page diatribe of a letter about how I was forcing him to kill him self, because I wouldn't shut up and put up.

It wasn't the first time he had threatened to kill himself. He did the same when I said no to shagging his list of randoms, to satisfy his cuckolding fetish. He did the same when I found condoms in his gym bag.

But every time he gets his victim hat on, I'm the one who has "trust issues" that I'm mental, forcing him into depression etc.

And in the Priory? They spent time dealing with his porn addiction, but again that's my fault. He wouldn't have a porn addiction if I weren't so mean, it makes him sad/depressed, and porn is an escape. During his stay he wrote another letter which detailed his addiction, chatlines, forums, how many hours a day etc. It was embarrassing to read, and I cannot believe it was anything other than the tip of the iceberg.

But my fault, remember.

I cannot believe I was dim enough to marry and have children with this grimwad of a moron.