Trans Widows escape committee

I was a "young bride" (I was 19 when we married, he was 31)

Yep, that's even more creepy.

Mine never wanted to copy my style or become me. See, I am already middle aged, and he's just a wee little girl... of 48...

Hobgoblin

YES!!!

Oh my goodness, is there a manual circulated? Or are they so short of imagination that their fantasies have to be a recreation of what someone has already scripted.

It is ridiculous. Baffling.

@birdbandit
OMG. Dressed as a French maid by any chance??? Yep. Had that one.

But of course, that's an aside. it's all really about undefinable inner feelings, and after all women have kinks too, and none of this is related to his getting an erection from crossdressing or his muffed up views on gendered sexual roles....

Hobgoblin my STBXH came up with a "genius" solution to his not wanting to shag me, a list of folk (friends who would NEVER go there) he was happy for me to have sex with!

It was I think two days later he said that he wanted to be involved, dress up, make us tea.

But I must remember this is all about him magnanimously finding a solution for me....

@RandomMess

Oh. It's a whole lot worse! I won't mention s*x!! For the last 3-4yrs of our marriage- he didn't touch me - told me when I touched him it "made him feel uncomfortable"... so that's nice to know after 14yrs of marriage!
He also once admitted he didn't care if I left, we had a blazing row, I told him it felt like all the years we'd been together, it felt like it didn't bother him if I'd left. He straight up said "I didn't, until now" (that particular argument!) soooo that's where I started thinking hard....

Ewwwwwww I'm really creeped out that they have literally tried to become you

I've not gone down the Kardashian's style route mind, I'm much more capable than he is of choosing and creating my own style.

Outing, but I'm graduate trained in the design/textile industry. It is rank arrogance of STBXH to assume he can defeat me, erase me, replace me through bloody clothing.

Yes the blaming me, when our son found his gross whisper app, luckily son didn't read/open, it was all my fault, I shouldn't be "stalking" him.

I'm fighting back too. I continue to wear "my" clothes, but I do it better than he does. That gives me satisfaction.

I have also changed up my style. More dresses. It did defeat me for a while, after the wigs I cut off all my hair, it was as short as a school boy. It has grown back now and I have "femmed up". Old me didn't bother with a hairdryer, now I sometimes do. And I don't have a combover.

I have wondered if the Kardashian's ultra femme appearance is a reaction to their father appropriating and approximating their femaleness. They have taken his behaviour as a challenge and are doing his imagination of what they should be, better than he ever could.

@birdbandit

It's horrible when you finally REALISE what he's doing. I didn't see it until it was pointed out by a friend (who knew all about the ex while I was married and has been a rock since) he was the one who said matter of factly "you don't see it do you? He's trying to become you".... that's where I started seeing EVERYTHING. The gaslighting (lying, then blaming ME for the lies, looking through his emails and blaming ME for finding emails to women!)

It was then that I started fighting. Told ex I will be dying my hair red.... but I've bought the blonde 😉
I change my "style" often (I told him I liked LindyBop dresses before I left) low and behold, he's got lindybop dresses now 🙄🙄🙄 I'm usually in jeans and vest top, but every so often I'll change to shirts, which he refers to me looking like a dyke (like that's the worst insult ever!!) he doesn't like it that I no longer sing off the same hymn sheet.

The replacing you....

This is exactly the same as my experience. It's not flattering, it is entirely creepy that STBXH is wearing carbon copies of my clothes. My jewellery. My hair.

If I dare to complain, then I'm the bad because I don't "own" this style. Of course I don't own that shade of green and the black which is about 90% of my wardrobe. Or those Chelsea boots which I have 5 pairs of. He's allowed to copy, but out of respect, should he?

He has no sense of boundaries. Of appropriate behaviour.

I've mentioned a few times when he bought wigs which matched my hair, I told him that made me uncomfortable. He did the usual script lie first (they were the only wigs available on the internet) then minimise, (I was unreasonable to think I owned my hair style. Lots of women have that hair, I was being petty.) followed by the inevitable "if you don't get with the programme I will be forced to kill myself."

I'm not going to be erased or replaced by that moron. FFS.

Just to say that I'm in awe of the courage and the raw truth you all display. You are amazing women.

I've had very difficult painful experiences in my life - totally different - but I know that through dealing with terrible things we learn wisdom, we are better equipped for the future, to support others and take care of ourselves. I guess what I'm saying is that not even pain is necessarily wasted.

As Carly Simon says "There's more room in a broken heart."

@anonymoustranswidowoneofmany
Well, if ya ever need an ear, 😈Hobgoblin😈is my screen name (but not my @) haha

Not in this context, no. As I say, I reallyy do not talk about this stuff, anywhere.

@anonymoustranswidowoneofmany

I've got blonde to put on (it's medium ash blond - I'm too old for anything lighter! I only wanted to cover my grey!)

Do I know you over on Twitter?

I want to say, "Shave your head, sweetheart". Which would sure as anything suit you well and would SO fuck up the takeover/erasure he's attempting.

But: it would still be "reactive" instead of "proactive", if you see what I mean.. So: do what YOU want.

I am a fine one to talk; here I am nearly 20 years later still suffering the aftershocks.

@anonymoustranswidowoneofmany

I had given up completely. I was bed bound for 5yrs. I had to learn to walk again, use stairs, everything. I had just "stopped".

But now (although I'm not 100%) I'm better than I was in 2015 when I left the relationship & 2016 when I left the marital home. I've surpassed everything he "thought" I wouldn't. And that gives me the strength. The fact it's p*ssing HIM off! As he watches.

I used to dye my hair red - was going to again, but he now wears a red wig. A friend of mine has commented saying "he's trying to BE you".... that weirded me out so much. Erase me, replace me.

it was leave, or die where I was

Hobgoblin this so resonated for me (actually so has a lot else of what you have said). I'm about fifteen years further away "out" of things than you are, but I can still remember that moment of realising that I seriously would die, if I didn't get out. Not because he would kill me but because I would end up acting on the suicidal thoughts that by then were my internal wallpaper. So much so that I'd almost stopped noticing them, if that makes sense? I was almost sleepwalking into it, until that jolt.

I just felt so entirely emptied of "self". You know that Shon Faye "enjoy your erasure" quote? That's what happened to me (minus the enjoying bit, obviously). Over the dozen or so years my ex and I were together every single bit of my identity got sort of leached away. You can't be allowed to be attractive because his legs must be "better" than yours. You can't be allowed to have clothes you like because he wants the same, and if they don't come in his size you can't have them. And if you (in the early days) buy them anyway then he'll wear them which tears/stretches/ruins them. You can't have women friends because if you come home and say you didn't spend the whole time talking about clothes and make up then you're a failure as a woman. On and on, drip and drip, boil frog, boil.

I can still remember one night (and this was some years before I did finally get out) sitting crying for hours in the shower because I was there naked, and if was naked then I was nothing because "woman" was all about makeup and clothes and everything except bodies, especially not my body.

I am so lucky: we didn't have children, so when I finally ran I was able to run and run and run.

I also competely understand what you have said about not being able to talk about it. This is the most I have said about it in nearly two decades and I only feel able to do it in a doubly anonymous way (in that I have changed my mumsnet username for this post). It's not "shame" exactly (though I completely understand why you have used that word, it's about the cloest word there is). But talking about it brings back that terrified emptied out person that I was. (Still am in many ways).

Someone earlier in the thread asked if they could quote/use, anonymously, things people say here for a speech/article; that is OK by me.

I wanted to voice some support for the brave widows on here and wish you all the best for the future. I also wanted to share an experience from 20 years ago that had some similarities. Despite being an incredibly difficult time, it had a happy ending. In the current climate I'm not sure that things would have ended so well.

Back when we were both in our final year at university, my partner suddenly became gender questioning. We were very close and he had never previously mentioned any dysphoria. It may have been triggered by his close involvement with our SU which was heavily LGBT-led.

He revealed that he was aroused by wearing my underwear. Generally he was impressively good at everything, so I was shocked at how poorly-observed his idea of being female was. I desperately wanted to support him and would have done anything to help, but I really struggled to think he looked sexy when he was en femme.

We'd been together four years, I had never had sex with anyone else and had assumed that I never would. But in light of his problems, and the suicide risk, what I wanted didn't seem important to either of us.

He wanted us to be lesbians and to have sex with other lesbians. I felt anguished knowing it was unlikely that many lesbians would want to sleep with a strapping 6 foot 3 man.

Eventually we did have a threesome, and (in contrast with all the porn he enjoyed) it turns out that the other girl and I enjoyed it much more than he did. It just made things more tricky and so I suggested that we split up. He threatened to kill himself if I left him, attempted a couple of times and at one point tried to cut his penis off. There's nothing worse than hurting someone you love and I felt horribly responsible.

It's only now, writing this, that I can see his behaviour wasn't just self abuse but also abusive to me.

Fortunately we moved to another city after graduating and he finally got some good counselling. The clinic he'd previously attended had done little to help him apart from reinforcing dated stereotypes. The new clinic helped him to see that although he was suffering from depression, his body was perfectly fine as it was.

We are still in touch to this day and he is profoundly glad he didn't go through with gender reassignment. For him it was like a harmful addiction.

I want to say a big thank you and send hugs and support to all those of you who have told your stories here, especially to Hobgoblin27 whose posts have left me with a tear in my eye. This thread has been a real eye opener for me. I remember back in the day (70s 80s) when many men had long hair, wore flamboyant clothes and used make up - I thought it was fun and helping to break down gender stereotypes. And later when I cam across the odd story of cross dressing, I thought that was much the same thing and mentally cast myself in the role of understanding cool girl and not one of those uptight wives. Telling your experiences shows the pattern, exposes how AGP is much darker and how awfully self centred and abusive these men can be are. to all the widows out there.