If you regularly think "not ANOTHER trans thread"

To Emily, the Dick Emery thing is spot on, made me chuckle.

Hello,

To the other Trans Widows, please do PM me if you want to chat, it's all a bit grim isn't it!

My DH was hideous for a couple of years, full on pink fog. At the moment he is saying he isn't interested in being a woman anymore, but I don't know the truth, he is away a lot and lies. He is also not interested in me/sex etc. It's a bit of an eggshell dance.

I don't bother to try and check/find out if he is up to tricks.

Like you I have kids, no career but I am trying hard to fix the latter, getting my ducks in a row for the next episode.

Unmumsnetty hugs for you all.

I'm a newcomer to the party, I read a thread over in AIBU then jumped over here, and I've spent a huge amount of time on various blogs just reading. Bloody buggering hell is pretty much where I'm at.

www.newstatesman.com/politics/feminism/2016/05/what-gender-anyway

I thought this was a very good article and has one of the best summing ups I've seen of the issue with gender identity and self identification.

The widely embraced “inherent gender” explanation holds that there is such a property as gender identity, which every individual has, entirely separately from socialised gender roles, which only some people will be conscious of, and of which the individual is the ultimate arbiter. This is in every regard an extraordinary claim. As analytic philosopher Rebecca Reilly-Cooper has explained, it is also an incoherent claim, because there is no standard by which anyone’s assertions about their own gender can be disproven: “If we’re unwilling to allow that an individual can ever be mistaken about their gender identity, if we’re unwilling to allow that there might be any objective criteria at all about what it means to be a man or a woman, then claims to identify as a man or a woman become unintelligible.” If no one can say what it means to be a man other than to feel like one, what does it mean to feel like a man?

What I'm getting from this is by their own internal logic, TIMs are not women because their own internal logic denies womanhood as an objective reality.

I know a couple where the man has come out as trans and initially they stayed together, they have children. As the years went by she disappeared more and more.and they have since divorced. I still see the TIM and out of courtesy use female pronouns. She's a lovely, kind and thoughtful person but it's amazing to see how this has consumed her life, to the exclusion of her children and ex wife.

I think of the ex wife often and hope she's ok.

Just read my posts back and realised I've kept repeating myself! Sorry, I wasn't drunk honest! Just didn't read back before posting.

Same from me. Also thanks for coming on the thread to share.

Thanks @bluewoollyhat but four years on I'm fine. Although it was beyond terrible at the time.

It's not great for my daughter but the full effects of that remain to be seen.

I'm happy to chat to @EmilyHowardsWife or anybody else who is currently in the same position.

to emily and tinsel and the others directed affected by this. I can’t imagine what I’d do in that situation and I hope there are better days ahead for you

It probably is fun if you miss out all the inconvenient biological bits of it.

I think I'll have a nice non-spotty, non-period-pained, non-flooding, non-greasy girl puberty now, in fact, where I wear random clothes and slam doors a lot.

Because girl puberty is such fun!

He's just having his girl puberty that he was deprived of. That's the sort of bullshit I see people come out with online

to all the women here affected by this.

More than 4 years on I can't believe I ever considered staying. There were couples he knew who were supposed to be staying together but I don't know how any of them turned out.

Considering transition always seems to involve acting like a spoiled teenager, I can't imagine it.

And kudos to your counsellor.

@Datun, speaking from experience, the phase when you think you should accept it and stay with them is the worst.

You know what? That’s probably true of a lot of issues in relationships. Abusive husbands, emotionally coercive husbands, lazy husbands.

Where you just throw up your hands, realise how much you have invested and just think oh fuck it, better in than out, right?

It takes tremendous courage and relentless heartache to leave.

I’m really glad you did x

@Datun, speaking from experience, the phase when you think you should accept it and stay with them is the worst.

I was lucky that I saw a Counsellor who said I didn't have to feel guilty for not being able to accept it.

I actually had far more Counselling around making the decision to leave than he did over deciding to transition!

Am I the only one who is shocked about the number of women who have encountered this in their real lives?

Cross dressing is a bit of a cliche. Coming home and finding your husband in your undies. It’s almost been absorbed British comedic culture.

The middle aged banker in the maxi dress.

I don’t suppose anyone, ever has a thought for the wives and family of these men.

Perhaps it was because it continued to happen in secret. When ‘the wife’ was out.

The rise of transgenderism as an ideology has given legitimacy to this fetish. It’s now in your face. It has rights. It’s paramount and you must fit in. Understand. Accommodate. Or else. The world will not be on your side.

I cannot remember, or imagine a more damaging issue.

And I cannot understand how people do not read enough. Fucking read enough to comprehend the devastation.

for all women dealing with this. As wives, daughters, sisters and mothers.

@EmilyHowardsWife I divorced my husband when he decided to transition, after about 3 years of total hell.

I've tried to start a thread on here in the past for Trans Widows but there weren't many takers. Maybe there's more of us around here now.

There is life after them, I promise!

I came on to offer my compassion EmilyHowardsWife. I don't have any experience of what you are enduring but I understand feeling so very badly hurt and alone.
If appropriate,would it help to start a thread just for you, here, on this board? A place to vent and feel heard and be supported?

Just had to google Dick Emery (I'm not British so had NFI). Internet hugs to you @EmilyHowardsWife xx

Need to log off now but a big thank you for all your understanding and advice. I know I need to sort myself out for the future.
This isn't just "clothes" as I've seen stated before. It's so much more, but it sounds like some of you know that already.
It's great to have someone out there to share the Big Bad Secret - only my therapist knows (had to lie about that because if he knew Ive told a therapist he would be hopping mad). Good to vent and again heartfelt thanks.

No escape mid 50s with no career/money and 3 children. The dressing is episodic, he can not do it for ages then it's all he can think of. Just finished with the latest bout of dressing and have gone from hypersexual and a bit manically happy to no sex drive at all and very low and irritable.
I've visited a therapist and that has helped. Tied to him by love, affection and financial necessity and the need for a stable home for the children.
It's helped that I've set down that if he does transition I'm divorcing no matter what. A boundary that is non moveable and Im sure he understands that.

God the woman he mimics is just so Dick Emery. So not what any woman would be like.

@EmilyHowardsWife 💕🍷

I know two men who have transitioned, both leaving their wives to pick up and carry on family life while they indulge in playing out their selfish behaviours. I wish you strength and happiness once you have found your way through this.

EmilyHowardsWife
I ended my marriage for this reason. It doesnt matter how much you give, it will never be enough for him, and he will leave you penniless. The best thing you can do to salvage anything from your marriage is take your half of the assets and any happy memories you still have, and walk away.

Years after we split, my ex stole an item worth £10,000 from me, and then had the chutzpah to try to guilt trip me into lending him £2,000. It never stops.

EmilyHowardsWife

I’m not sure I will even phrase this properly.

But I see these things in the abstract, as a car crash in slow motion. Inevitable and unstoppable.

From what I have read and accounts I have taken on board.

And, more than anything, my compassion and heartfelt feelings go to the women.

And the extra layer? Is that this is not happening to me. This is happening to you, and other women.

We sit here, on the sidelines. Opining, pontificating, judging (the men). Whilst there are real people, with children and parents and friends going through it.

The powerlessness is manifold, only compounded by the knowledge that we are secure from it.

Our compassion must feel paltry. And I’m only sorry that we, as a collective, cannot absorb it for you and others.

Do you have any possibility of escape EmilyHowardsWife?