Sons whose lives are facilitated by their mothers - how to prevent it?

"but that's more because I think it's wasteful to do a small load."

Are there no other clothes in the house that need doing? It wont kill them to start doing loads of washing that also include other peoples clothes.

I facilitate all my children

But any chores my children do they all do

Ds1 is the only one who makes his bed

Dh makes the bed for ds2 and dd

But i don't disagree at all with the premise and will definitely look at how we parent

I don't think it's much of a problem unless you are treating boys differently to girls. As you have sons, you should try not to raise them as entitled slobs, but I don't think it's as simple as if you do everything for them they become lazy.
The biggest neat freaks I know (male) had mum's who did everything for them.

Hi OP. I am a sahm and like you, have done a lot for my kids. The thing is, they won't appreciate it - they'll go off to uni and blame you for the fact they can't cook or use the washing machine. With that in mind I started asking mine to do a bit more, like making themselves lunch, nipping to the shop for me (or for the household generally), clearing up their rooms, changing their own sheets.
There are things I have always insisted on, like taking plates out to the kitchen after meals, putting dirty clothes in the washing basket. I think clearing up after themselves is basic respect and of yours aren't doing that, then you definitely need to change this. I have always said to mine that I am not staff - I will happily cook and do laundry, but I'm not walking around the house first to locate it!

Teaching your dc how to make simple meals and how to shop and plan meals is a great thibg to do for them before university. As is instilling the idea that cleaning up after thrmselves will help them no end when it comes to house sharing.

I have noticed though, that my dd will ask if she can wash up and I have heard her say to her brothers that she wants to help mummy - her brothers feel no guilt whatsoever at parking their arses in the sofa while me and their dad clear up the kitchen after dinner. So I have been making them help. I don't want them to be taking domestic work for granted.

Recently ds(aged16) got a girlfriend and he has seen how easy he's had it compared to the chore expectation in some families. As a consequence, he's been really appreciative recently.

Marking my place so I don't go down this route.

I don't have sons of my own, but as the eldest daughter of a single dad, I did this kind of thing for my brother until he was in his early twenties. It didn't end until he shouted at me for 'making him late for work' by not waking him up on time. I'd called him twice, he'd just decided to go back to sleep. Soon after that I was showing him how to use the washing machine, iron, etc. I was shocked at the time because I had no idea how he didn't know these things - I'd been doing them since age 12/13. But of course, in hindsight, that's exactly why.

He's now living independently on another continent, so no permanent harm was done!

This is interesting for me for the future op. Thanks.

My dh is much better at adulting than I am. He moved away from home at 16 and has lived alone a lot. He’s a good role model for our dc.

My mum always said never live with a man until he’s lived on his own 1st, and I will be telling that to both my dd and ds too, when they’re older. And I expect them to live on their own too (or with a friend, not a substitute parent).

BUT we both do molly coddle them too much! And we need to learn to loosed the apron strings!

It's fine to start the regime change from now on in. You don't need to wait the best part of half a year to start!

I have mollycoddled my girls a bit, so it's not just a son thing, plus they used to fuss a lot and make such a palava that I would end up not asking as it was easier to do it myself. I now don't think this and have started getting them to take more responsibility, even just for their own wellbeing in terms of getting drinks, fixing a small snack for themselves (omelette, sandwiches, simple pasta) and not relying on 'Good Old Mum' to step in all the time. Mostly it's working well, I also explained why they have to do it- both to get able to look after themselves when they leave home but also because I am tired and exhausted and leaving me to do everything is the wrong thing to do. Things they can help with that aren't big tasks are unpacking shopping, doing small shops, unstacking/stacking the dishwasher. Start them now!

I had two spoiled sons and one spoiled daughter. The boys are now out of the house, and they are extremely considerate, toilet-cleaning, hardworking, laundry-doing, appreciative, feminist young men. My 16 year old daughter still has a way to go-

stop!

Just explain what it is you expect them to do and let them get on with it.

Go and do something fun instead.

But fluffy, there will never be a good time. if it's not A-levels then it's new jobs, or it's going to university, or it's something else. Part of adulting is fitting in all the boring shit - cleaning the bath, etc, around your real life, the stuff you want to do.

You don't have to make him do everything at once, but if he's old enough to do A-levels, he's old enough to take out the recycling and clean the bath once a week.

It really, really is the right time. It won't cause them to fail their exams if they are responsible for loading the washing machine occasionally, or taking their own plates out, or being the person to nip down to the corner shop when you've run out of milk.

This. Yes GCSEs and A-levels are important, but they need to learn to juggle academic work and everyday life, as they will later need to juggle paid work and everyday life.

have GCSEs/A levels this year anyway, so now is not the right time to start demanding they do all their own washing, for example

It really, really is the right time. It won't cause them to fail their exams if they are responsible for loading the washing machine occasionally, or taking their own plates out, or being the person to nip down to the corner shop when you've run out of milk.

"Doing all their own washing" needn't mean quite that, just calling out "have you go clean clothes? No? Then put a wash on!" once in a while.

Me too!

One DS who is 16. And he had a shit year last year with daily migraines and was off school from November. Did his GCSEs at home. Back at school for A levels and it's all started again. So I don't want to put unnecessary pressure on.

Thankfully he does see DH do stuff around the house. DH had to as his mum died when he was eleven and there was just him and his dad so he had to do stuff. And now DH does most of the cooking and does supermarket etc.

I told DS he would have to learn to iron his shirts and was told he would pay someone or use shirt service at dry cleaners.