Baby name dispute with partner

You’ve made a child together. He (or you) don’t get total control of anything, you have to decide together - that’s what parenting is about.

Get this sorted now, it’s the first of about a million decisions you’ll have to make.

have been less fraught

Cross post. I'm glad you've had another discussion and decided to do it that way, sounds sensible - fingers crossed you can find a name you both really like!

Also relieved to hear that other important decisions have be less fraught. Names are pretty emotive to be fair.

Oh and I hate the idea of taking it in turns to choose names for children - that means one parent could hate their child's name, and what it you are hoping for more children but can't have them? It should be a joint decision, and if a couple isn't capable of making joint decisions I would question the wisdom of having children together.

What's his position on shared parental leave? How much paternity/parental leave does he plan to take and how much maternity leave does he expect you to take?

Actually that sounds more reasonable now, though it seems to have been gruelling getting to this point.

"Committed feminist" my arse.
Lofty ideals are one thing but you have to also apply them to your personal life. His attitude to what should be joint decision-making is completely disrespectful.

DH and I disagreed on DS's surname but he eventually conceded that both surnames was the only fair way of doing it. We haven't used a hyphen so DS can drop one of the surnames for day-to-day use if it makes life easier for him. In part because of the surname debate, it was very important to me that we found a first name that we both liked. You're both parents and it's not fair for one parent to force their choice. DH and I each wrote a list - separately - and then compared them. We vetoed a lot of names from each other's lists and agreed on a shortlist. The name we chose was DH's suggestion originally and it wasn't my favourite to begin with but totally grew on me. Crucially though we didn't approach the discussion and decision as a battle to be won and lost. We are both very strong willed and we do sometimes dig our heels in but I think as parents you have to find healthier ways to manage disagreements and reach a compromise.

Is your partner like this about other issues you disagree on? I worry that he's going to be a nightmare to coparent with

That's where nicknames come in Lancelottie
Oh you want to call him Maurice, dp? That's fine, I'll just shorten it to Ben 😄

I wouldn't actually agree to that. What if you hate every name he suggests?

I don't think his arguing style is related to his feminism or lack of. You both sound very similar and stubborn about what you want and his option is at least an attempt at compromise. What are you willing to "give" on?

You both strongly want your surname used but when he effectively gives in on this point you respond that as it's a firmly held belief it doesn't count as your choice exactly. That is petty and not a very kind response to him backing down in something important to him. I can see why he'd get equally petty over first name discussions after that.

I don't like these point scoring type of compromises and arguments but I see they work for some couples. Is there anyone, MIL?, that he'd like to honour with a middle name?

Surname* not surprise name

If you put it as official two last names on the birth certificate but with out hyphen. Then it is not a middle name so you will always use the two names as a surprise name if you choose. It's just abit easier to drop one also if you choose.

Double barrell without a hyphen?
That way you can choose to use it as a double barrell or just use the the last part for daily use.
Most double-barrelled drop one day to day anyway.

Agree with @Lancelottie re the birth certificate

There’s an awful irony for me to your post, in that your DP sounds like my narcissistic controlling ex who is behaving like this with our soon to be third child. He has told me what surname the baby will have as well as his middle name. His actual words were he has been magnanimous enough to let me pick his first name. We’re not even married. My ex is a raging misogynist control freak though: to be fair yours is just being a bit of a latent one with this surname shit. And I’m not a feminist by most standards.

I’d ultimately be most concerned about his lack of a truly egalitarian approach to the issue of naming the child, as opposed to the whether the feminist paradigm in your relationship has been breached.

This is the problem I have with all this “stuff”. Sometimes it’s just words when the issues becomes intractable like this one. Ends up in a pitched battle regardless of beliefs.

Hope you manage to sort it out. I’ve probably just made an unwanted observation. Sorry. 🙈

Perhaps coming up with a new surname really is the best way to solve this problem.
Hope you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and can resolve this.

He’s not a feminist.

Make a new surname for you all? All of you double barrel? When we had my DS we weren’t married and just gave DS my then DP’s surname. And then I regretted that. Later we got married and changed all our surnames to a new double barrelled one. That worked for me as I didn’t feel like I’d outright given up my name, but we all have the same name which is nice. And I love that my DH changed his name too. I wouldn’t let him choose a first name that you don’t like, I think you’ll regret that.

Do you plan on having any more DC? If so, take it in turns to name them. That's what DH and I did. He had his heart set on a name for DS which is not my style at all. However, it made him happy so I agreed. When DD was born it was entirely my choice. I know DH would not have chosen this name, but he never said anything.

Anyway, I'd take the heat out of it. Don't rise to it. Just snurk and say 'I don't think so dear' each time he mentions his crap name ideas.