Patriarchy

Where is this really coming from? Who told you what?
My money is on your mum.

I let him make the decision.

That’s not unfeminist ,to use your words, it’s family dynamics. As long as you’re happy with your choices , even if those choices are sometimes to let him choose that’s fine.

I picked DD’s name, OH picked her middle name.
OH was strongly against ear piercings, I was fairly meh (even though it’s tradition where I’m from) so followed his lead.
He picked one house which fell through before completion, I found the flat.(where we live now)
He needed a new car,I don’t drive so my only requirement was automatic windows. He got what he wanted/needed.
I wanted a sofa bed,his only requirement was that it was comfortable.
He earns more, I have more savings. We both have access to eachother’s accounts and they’re set up for easy transfers.

And so on.

Oh yeah. There’s also his perspective. And his oversight of this thread is... interesting.

If he makes the decisions because he is a controlling arse, however........

I don’t understand it either. You are happy, he’s happy, everything works out.

If you allow him to make all the decisions because men are better at decisions; that’s sexist.

If you are just used to being dominated because of your DM and you’re comfy there; your choice, no sexism involved.

I don't understand this thread at all.

WHy are you having to fight battles with him though?

It's nothing to do with feminism, it's about relationship dynamics.

Is there nothing that you agree on together, between you? Rather than one person deciding and the other not having much input?

As pp have said, this isn't a 'feminist' issue. From the little you've said, it sounds like you're recreating the dynamic of your childhood home in your adult home. You spent your childhood being dominated by your mother, now you're being dominated by your husband. I'd break this pattern (I don't mean leave) or you'll go through life being dominated and that kind of sucks.

I think most feminists make 'unfeminist' decisions sometimes. I shave my legs. Would I in a feminist utopia? Probably not. I accept that it's a flawed decision to perform femininity when I wouldn't given the choice. But we live in the real world and not all hills are those you die on.

Would I let DH make the sole decision on where we lived? Fuck no.

Why, as an adult, would you ever let anyone else make a significant decision for you? It's an odd thing to do. As two adults that are equal in a relationship, my DP and me discuss any large decisions between us and agree on what is best for all of us. There's no winning or losing, or keeping track of wins/losses.

With the house purchase, are you a joint purchaser with your husband, or is it in his name only?

Having said that, thinking about it, he did once come home with a red sports car (we'd discussed budget, but not actual car).. which I told him would be nothing but trouble, and so was his car and I'd use the other one. Reader, I was right. 3 months later it blew up half-way up the hill to home... of course I helped him out, and in the end we didn't lose too much when we traded it in for something that was much more sensible for our needs. Still, wasn't a head of the household decision - it was a wally who let his excitement over-take his head, and took a good ribbing about it after - so no deference at all.

I think I have a partnership. House purchases we decided together (with either having a veto - although it wasn't needed), but I've moved into a rented house that only he's seen and he's moved into a rented house that only I've seen - not because either of us is head of the household, but because we were very busy, and trust each other to make decisions that the other will be OK with.

Frankly the idea that either of us has a deciding vote over the big decisions terrifies me more than the little stuff! Buying cars and things we go into together (although I indulge him if he has some great desire, and we have enough money, as long as it meets my needs and requirements too). Moving country etc. decided together.

I suppose thinking about it, we assume each has good reasons, we discuss stuff, and it's more that we each have a veto rather than either of us can assert a positive over the other - eg. I could say 'we're not having a dog' and he couldn't say 'yes we bloody are' and just do it - and in return the same from me.

I honestly find the idea that because he earns more money than me (right now, this hasn't always been, and won't always be the case) he gets to override me, completely baffling. I'd be a pretty annoyed if he that over our choice of lunch venue, let alone something that actually matters!

I’m asking if you can be ever be a feminist And let a man a) be the main breadwinner

Of course.

and b) make some of the big decisions financially.

I honestly can't grasp how big decisions could be anything but joint.

How does it work? "I've chosen a house darling, we move in sometime end of next month"? I can't fathom one adult making major decisions that fundamentally affect two adults without some kind of discussion. It sounds quite lonely. So, yes, you've stumped me there. But I'm not sure it's anything to do with feminism. It just sounds strange and artificial.

So your main issue was him picking/buying a house with very little or no input from you?

I think this is why I don’t really understand this thread. I don’t recognise the “winning/losing” big/small “battles”. It just doesn’t happen. We express ourselves and discuss things and come to joint conclusions, it’s not
Me vs. Him and keeping score to make sure we “win” evenly.

Your problem OP seems to be that you think that it either must be Man In Charge or Woman In Charge and everyone else must kowtow to whomever it is. I just don’t see that in my relationship; we are a partnership and each of our opinions has equal weight. No one “wins battles”

I am reading a fabulous book ATM called "the Creation of Patriarchy" by Gerda Lerner.

Thoroughly recommend it for an explanation of it all.

OP, I think you sound a bit unhappy with your relationship but are convincing yourself that it’s ok because a) he’s the breadwinner and b) your mum has given you a bad idea of what feminism is.

But I’ll say this again, your Mum is not a feminist. Feminism is not about belittling men and exposing their incompetence (no matter what the media would have us believe). It is about equality short and simple. Equality of opportunity, equality of value, and equality of having your voice heard.

Your voice isn’t being heard by your husband. He doesn’t get to be the head because he is the breadwinner. He is as dependent on you as you are on him. He couldn’t work without the support you provide him. My mum has always been a SAHM. My dad respects the work that she does and vice versa. They are equals.

Wake up and smell the inequality, OP.