Explaining my gender criticalness to recently out trans friend

The cis word offends a lot of women (including me) and I am annoyed that he is deciding it ‘worries’ him. It’s actually got nothing to do with him. He doesn’t get to decide or define how women, as adult female humans, want to describe themselves.

Your frustrations annoy me too. It’s hard having to keep quiet about biology. I’ve had to take mandatory trans ‘training sessions’ where I’ve had to bite my lip so hard it almost bled. Unfortunately it’s hard to be principled and stand up for your rights when you have bills to pay. It’s wrong and it’s unfair. I wonder how many other women want to stand up against what is happening but feel silenced because they are scared of the ramifications for their livelihoods, their reputations and their future.

It saddens me that the only, and best, advice that we can give you is to ‘disengage, go on lock down and move on,’ but that is, unfortunately, how it is right now.

You owe him nothing. Autism doesn’t come into it. You do not owe him an explanation or a justification. If he wants a debate he can find it elsewhere. If he wants to mansplain what it is to be a woman then he can do it elsewhere. Walk away.

Also, I think this guy is being slippery and would have a lot of people, autistic or not, suckered in - we all mean well don't we? But a lot of gender critical people on MN, or their friends, have probably made mistakes along these lines and are wiser for it.

Albadross I don't think you need to completely silence yourself - maybe have a twitter account that you don't share irl with colleagues and clients?

It would drive me crazy to keep quiet about it so i have safe outlets for it on MN and twitter.

I would reply, declining the invitation on the "not appropriate topic for workplace" grounds that PPs have suggested and adding that you wish him well

I think I would let his email drop off my computer screen and "forget" it.

Sorry - agree with everyone else. Don't assume that it's just your work with the one company that's at risk. What if he outs you all over the internet as an evil transphobe? Don't think it can't happen - the woman who organised the debate on the GRA had to leave her home and nearly lost her job, due to threats.

I would reply, declining the invitation on the "not appropriate topic for workplace" grounds that PPs have suggested and adding that you wish him well. Assume that ALL communications with him could end up shared with your employers and word them accordingly - be consistently polite and positive, even if he becomes provocative.

I agree with all the warnings above. Why don't you ask one of your friends if they'd be open to having him talk to them instead?

maybe he just needs pointing towards some reading?

I've read all the posts and Deckoff and Prickly are right - politely decline the offer of coffee and play the no politics/religion at work card.

I'd steer clear of a discussion, I think. yes

Or send links to gender critical websites or the Magdalene Burns or Peach Yogurt youtube videos

No. Do not do this.
They have very strong views which many people disagree with. I don't agree with a quite a lot of Berns and I don't much like her style of presentation. I would not recommend them to anyone I didn't know well.

So emailed you and says he needs to learn more about gender critical feminism. Fair enough, maybe he does need to learn more, but it's not your job to teach him. You don't have to meet up with him just because he asks you to.

I agree with pp, if all he wants to do is learn, there are plenty of good websites out there.

How did he find your tweets?

I'd steer clear of a discussion, I think. Or send links to gender critical websites or the MAgdalene Burns or Peach Yogurt youtube videos

if OP is using the same email address he could have found her that way or had her suggested as a follow

also if OP has spoken out about anything on trans, he could have googled and found her that way.

I would agree it's sinister if he tried to track her down but it could be that he came across her in the other standard Twitter ways.

Sorry - you don’t say your tweets are private, you say you don’t use your real name on there. And yet he’s taken the time and effort to track you down. That is what’s concerning for me. Alarm bells all over the place.

Ok so this is even more concerning. You say your tweets are private and you don’t use your real name. Yet he has seen them. It seems that he has tracked you down - why would he do this? Please make your Twitter account private and please do not be drawn any further into a ‘debate’ or even ‘an exchange of opinions’ with this man. Step away for your own protection. Say that you like to keep work and religion/politics etc separate. Do not engage.

I think the best that could come of it is that he wants to mansplain womanhood to you irl.

A lot of men do this - they like to play sport with opinionated feminists - mansplaining, devils advocate, etc, etc. They sometimes get an almost pervy kick out of having your attention by just dragging out all the old arguments, and having all that historical Patriarchal weaponry (crap 'science', crap stereotypes, crap 'evidence') to hand to simply wear you out. It is a massive power trip for them and such a waste of any feminists' time and energy.

If he is genuinely gender critical he wouldn't be worried about damaging your 'friendship' through discussing things with you. I think his behaviour suggests an entitled man wanting attention from a woman and a desire to play sport with you - all that BS of men (and/or transwomen) have it just as bad, or worse than women... Lets hope the sport he intends doesn't include seeing if he can damage your reputation and career though....

I think the posters here are all being very wise in telling you define your boundaries with him. Keep it professional. Good luck - and I can really understand how you may be feeling hopeful and curious, but I think caution is the way to go - your best allies are always other women feminists - not random men

Dont go to this meeting, and block him on social media.
If you are female and autistic, then you also have protected characteristics. You have the right to your beliefs, you are not harming anyone with them. But dont risk your job over them. This could get very messy very easily.

tbh this gets worse

you aren't even that friendly outside of work and he wants to talk about this?

I understand that we want to get our views out there - but someone who is effectively a work colleague and/or professional colleague is not the person with whom we should try that.

agree with pp, he isn't your friend, he's a colleague and you need to maintain professional boundaries. I would be stregthening privacy features on social media and drawing a very clear line around what is personal (and political). If social media is important professionaly then set up different accounts for professional use only.
You can respond to him honestly and say you respect all your collagues and want to keep personal issues out of your professional relationship. He should understand that.

A colleague is not the person with whom you have this conversation, especially in writing.

Is it too late to say to him that you don't want cross over between work and personal life? I think this would be a dangerous road to go down.

Even on here, I'm so tired of having the same conversation when everyone has a different definition of women's toilet etc. You'd have to set down a bunch of Terms of Reference to even start explaining what you meant in order to avoid being miscontrued.

also, at the end of it, you might simply end up looking anti man - when I've been accused of that, I kind of have to agree, yes, I do think dodgy men will try anything to access women only spaces. So there's that risk too.

Avoid this conversation at all costs. I would imagine he is trying to get something from you anyway - he's seen your view and wants to convert you or might cause trouble at work. Avoid, avoid, avoid.