What advice would you give your daughters?

I’ve been thinking of starting a thread like this. I have 2 daughters, ages 1 and 3 and I grew up in a very traditional and sexist household without realising it. I am challenging myself as I get older on lots of things and am only just now starting to realise how life can be so different and much harder for women.

I’m trying to resist talking about physical appearance, ‘you look so pretty’ etc now and focus on the things they do. I find myself slipping though sometimes as it’s just a default. I want them to learn to grow up to be independent, know that they can be different, they can say NO, that they don’t need a man and if they choose one then he should be contributing to life. They should be able to stand on their own two feet and value all the contributions women make to our societies, working, SAHM, raising children. I want them to have high expectations of men. Exactly how to achieve this I’m not sure, but I’m watching and thinking. Surely lots must be down to cultivating good self esteem and having the confidence to make good choices which sometimes will not be the easy ones.

I don't encourage STEM subjects as she isn't a bit interested in these subjects.
I tell her that it doesn't matter that she is the only girl doing what she does and it's normal, and other girls share her interest, just not at her school. If people mention it or use it as some sort of novelty it's their problem.
I tell her to go for her dreams and not settle for second best.
She knows that any relationship will take second place to her career, and she has warned me that her life probably won't involve kids.
I tell her to look to her merits in her work in general, not as a girl in a predominantly man's job.
I tell her to dress how she wants and not to follow the crowd, to not wear make up and have hairstyles she doesn't like, just to fit in.
Above everything else I tell her to be herself, because she's lovely as she is.

Fucking hell user. These modern feminists eh. How dare they

I’d advise to find your niche and work hard.
My gut also says to ensure you are earning your own cash and don’t rely on a man. Relying on your parents is fine though!
And don’t believe any shite chat up line.

That nobody can have everything, there are always trade offs . Not to automatically value the things traditionally "of men" (status, wealth, power) more than the things traditionally "of women (caring roles, child rearing) but to work out what they, as individuals, want. To be really careful who they choose as a partner and father of any children they might bear.

My dd is 13.

We consistantly cover that No, is ok to say. That her opinions count. That affection should never feel uncomfortable. That she should never give away her choices to someone else.

The main one that has hit me recently is how easy it is for a woman to lose herself in marriage. I realised that somewhere along the way i had become dhs wife, rather than me. If that makes sense. I had become a person whose life revolved around making dh happy. Other people treated me that way too. We started a business together. I was the driving force did more than an equal share of the work. And yet clients, friends, family etc always assumed it was his company and I did little work and he had found me a job so i didnt have to work outside the home.

I had a career and gave it up to work with him. Last year i returned to work and its the best thing ever. I feel like i have something for myself. My choices at work are my own and I am seen as me. Not an extension of him.

Its thrown up some good discussions with dd regarding marriage. I also have recommended that she doesnt change her name, like i did. As it feels like its the first step, symbolically, of giving yourself up.

I have considered going back to my pre marriage surname. But mum has been married 3 times (changing my name each time) and i had several surnames before i got married. Dhs surname is the one i have had longest. So feels more like mine than any of the others. But symbolically it feels not quite right.

We also have a discussion, regularly, on the implications of being a sahp. Especially if not married. The impact on financial independence.

We do talk about having kids regularly. The importance of realising that babies dont fix relationships. Not to have one with someone you arent happy with, you cant rely on them stepping up to the plate etc.

100% agree with both of your suggestions KarateKitten.

Number one is that you must earn enough to have choices and your freedom from a man, critically you need to be able to support yourself and any children you decide to have, alone.

This is for both my sons and daughters but choose who you have a child with very very carefully. It's the most important decision you will ever make.

Marshall arts from a young age. I saw an article in the paper about a man who pulled a teenaged girl behind a brick wall to rape her.

She was a black belt, broke his collar bone, fractured his elbow and held him down until the police arrived. If a man tries to rape my daughter, that the story that I want to be in the paper next day, not the alternative.

I only have sons, but if I had a daughter I would tell her to not be afraid to take up space - in public places, at work, at home, in the family calender, in conversation. Physical, mental and emotional space is not the sole preserve of men, women have a right to it too. It's a lesson I wish I'd learned years ago.

I tell DD that it is not her job to make other people happy. That her feelings are as valuable as anyone else's and if someone wants her to change to be worthy of them then they aren't worthy of her.

I don’t give a fuck about gendered toys. I kind of did in the beginning but she loves Barbie and there’s not a thing I can do about it.

She doesn’t take any shit though. Someone smacks her in the playground, she’ll stand up for herself. She’s no fool.

That’s what I’m giving her. Confidence and power. She is who she is and she shouldn’t care a damn what anyone else thinks.

give her accurate words to describe her body
YY to don't have women's magazines in the house
watch TV together and discuss what you see
be a role model, don't be too focussed on your own appearance
if you are a SAHM make sure she understands that your contribution to the family economy is just as valuable and valued as that of the wage earner
if you have a male DP, make sure he models respectful attitudes to women

Don't listen to what other people say and learn to make up your own mind about how to live your life even if that means going against what most people consider acceptable.

I am guilty of trying to quieten down my daughter. We try to do indoor / outdoor voices but might need to rethink this.

There's nothing wrong with teaching consideration and manners - its just if you think you might have different standards for a boy that it's problematic.

Find a good husband
But really, something about not having to be nice to dicks. I did a self defence course once run by the police and the trainer was really interesting. He talked about how women were so socially conditioned to be nice we couldn't even use the defences we did have. He wasn't victim blaming but acknowledged what society had done as was trying to help us. We all had to practice shouting 'fuck off arsehole' amongst other things

I seize on any stem interests and try to nurture them despite not being that way inclined myself

While obviously this is good, we have to ensure that we don't err on the side of giving the impression that stereotypically 'male' interests are necessarily more laudable than stereotypically 'female' ones. (This applies to raising boys just as much or more than girls too, of course).

It's her right to politely but firmly say 'no thank you'. Obviously this is for situations when slightly older and in the right context/situation (but can be gradually introduced now amongst friends).She is entitled to live her life her own way without needing to please others.

Don't be afraid to walk away

And don't be afraid to be rude. If it turns out you have mis-read a situation and the person meant no harm, you can always apologise - any decent person will understand and forgive you. Never, ever feel compelled to do something that makes you feel unsafe because you are worried the other person will think you are rude. Anyone who makes you feel bad for having boundaries is not to be trusted.

For younger girls, limit their exposure to mainstream media and advertising. For older ones, keep a close eye on what they watch and read, encourage them to think critically.

You do have to stay within the boundaries that your parents set for you. You don't have to do what someone says just because they are an adult or more assertive than you - if it feels bad, trust your gut.

It's not wrong to enjoy fashion, make up etc. But it's no more important than any other hobby. You can choose to take it or leave it.

When they get to 12 or so tell them not to give a shiny shit what boys say, want them to do or think of them. The downfall of many girls' aspirations is believing they are on this earth to get a boyfriend or please men.

Obviously, always challenge and never perpetuate the 'girls can't' or 'girls should' stereotypes.

If there's something you personally aren't that good as then make it clear thats just you (or down to sexist education) not because you're a woman.