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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

I'm a gender critical feminist with a 'trans' child.

139 replies

Theoryofparenting · 24/09/2017 14:33

Just a question I've been wondering. I have 15 year old twins, both of whom are biologically female. However, one of them 'presents as male' and has done for a couple of years.

He tells me that TransActivists are stupid. He doesn't believe that people are born in the wrong body. He knows you can't change your sex. He doesn't 'identify as transgender'.

As a young child he would tell me that he was a boy, that he would be upset if he became a woman. I assumed it was a developmental phase (I was similar as a child), however as soon as puberty hit at 11 he went downhill. Eating disorders, self harm, depression, anxiety. He would never tell us the root cause until he came to us at 13 and told us how he was feeling. He does not have 'gender dysphoria' - he has 'sex dysphoria'. His feelings are not caused by gender roles/expectations.

When people ask about it, he tells them that he isn't 'transgender' as he never had a gender, just a sex. He says he feels more comfortable presenting how he does and that he strongly dislikes his body, not societies expectations.

He has never been to a gender therapist. He isn't on blockers or hormones. Anything like that is being delayed, by his choice as well as mine.

I strongly agree with the gender critical feminist point of view (as does he). We've been through so much because of how my child feels. He gets annoyed when people associate him with TransActivists, because he is nothing like them and disagrees with everything they say/do.

I made this thread to show that not all parents of 'trans' children agree with the agenda. All I want is for my child to be comfortable and happy. If anyone has any questions then I am more than happy to answer them.

OP posts:
Theoryofparenting · 24/09/2017 17:21

Evelyn Yes, he 'presents' as a stereotypical male so people will assume he is biologically male. He does want a male body, even though he knows he won't actually be a male, because he has dysphoria about his body. He doesn't identify as male because he knows that identifying as something doesn't make you that thing. He sees self-identification as a bit controversial too. Basically, he wants to have as much of a male body possible and be read as male because that is how he is comfortable, but knows that he can never be one.

Sorry if I'm a bit unclear. DS struggles to articulate things properly and it's very complex to explain.

OP posts:
Happyemoji · 24/09/2017 17:19

I think you should be proud of how you have handled things and also your son. He sounds very sensible and mature for his age. Good luck to you both.

EvelynWardrobe · 24/09/2017 17:16

Can I check I've understood? I've been lurking on lots of the feminism/trans threads but I'm not 100% confident I have my head round all of it.

So your DC presents as male because whilst he doesn't identify as one (because he knows he cannot change his biology) he fits a stereotypically male appearance better than a stereotypically female one?

Lenl · 24/09/2017 17:15

You sound fantastic. He's lucky to have you.

Flowers
Theoryofparenting · 24/09/2017 17:09

Adalinde Yes, that's what I mean. They have dysphoria surrounding their physical body. They present as male because it will make other people see them as having a male body IYSWIM. They've always had short hair/worn 'boys' clothes, so their dysphoria has nothing to do with that. We've always let them have whatever hair/clothes they want.

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 24/09/2017 17:06

I'm sure you're doing the best you can and your child sounds very switched on. By sex dysphoria do you mean she wants a male body? Because you say she presents as male but the only way to do that as a child is to wear boys clothes and have short hair. And that's gender, not sex.

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 24/09/2017 17:00

You sound like you are doing what any one of us gender critical feminists would do. Just take one day at a time and see how things develop in the future. They may grow out of it, they may not, only time will tell.

Theoryofparenting · 24/09/2017 16:57

Parsnip
By definition, my child would be labelled as 'transgender' however he doesn't want that label. He has SEX dysphoria. Not GENDER dysphoria. He presents to the world as male because that is how he is comfortable. He doesn't 'identify' as anything. And yes, we do think 'the whole trans thing' is a load of bollocks, especially nowadays with TransActivists and the like. My child doesn't want a label, especially one that is associated with saying that 'people are born in the wrong body' or 'it is possible to change sex'. He knows what is and isn't possible, he knows what is true and what isn't. Him preferring to present as he is comfortable doesn't mean he has to label himself something he doesn't want to, especially when he doesn't agree with the opinions of most of that community.

OP posts:
TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 24/09/2017 16:55

You sound very reasonable and sensible. Your child is lucky to have you.

theendisnotnigh · 24/09/2017 16:51

Theory, all the best to you and your child. There are a number of trans parents on here who have generously shared their experiences and have really helped inform us about their journey and what helps as well as the the obstacles.

ParsnipLeekAndLemonSoup · 24/09/2017 16:45

Wtf what? The ops child has gender dysphoria. That doesn't make them trans.

They sound like they think the whole trans thing is bollocks.

morningrunner · 24/09/2017 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ParsnipLeekAndLemonSoup · 24/09/2017 15:32

But your kid isn't trans then??

cromeyellow0 · 24/09/2017 15:27

That's a very interesting perspective, good luck to you both.

In case you don't know, there's a fascinating BBC documentary on the artist Gluck, who flourished from the 1920s. Born to a wealthy family, s/he (?) always dressed as a man, insisted on male pronouns, and used the word 'husband' with respect to her many female lovers. There are several vivid self-portraits (shown in the Queer Art exhibition at Tate Britain).

I like this historical example as it comes well before the invention of transactivism. I've no idea what Gluck would think of current developments, but perhaps would share your son's views?