I'm a gender critical feminist with a 'trans' child.

I don't see the problem with using male pronouns and a male name. It's what the person wants. Look at it this way: imagine someone saying to a married woman who used the title Ms 'but everyone knows really that you're married, why pretend, using Ms not Mrs is just denying the truth' to which the answer would be 'This is how I wish to be known and referred to so please be polite and respect my choice'. Not a perfect analogy I'm sure but why shouldn't OP's child get to choose how they'd like to be referred to? This is a battle not worth fighting for me.

OP I think he's being very sensible in avoiding the hormones and surgery. Hope that continues. How have school been about it?

I'm honestly not trying to be inflammatory but I really don't understand. If your daughter knows that she can't change sex and that she is female, why do you refer to her as "he"? Surely that's just buying into the idea of being able to change sex?

^that.

I'm honestly not trying to be inflammatory but I really don't understand. If your daughter knows that she can't change sex and that she is female, why do you refer to her as "he"? Surely that's just buying into the idea of being able to change sex?

Both of you sound very sensible and sound as though you are handling your daughter's dysphoria in the best way possible. I echo reading Lily Maynard if you haven't already done so.

It sounds like this has been a hard few years for both of you. But I think you have added to it by getting terns mixed up. His and her, he and she are gender markers.

Clothes are gender markers.

Your daughter is an xx by sex, that won't change.

She seems to be a girl who likes masculine presentation (pronouns/clothes) and thats okay.

I know someone in her mid twenties. All the way through primary school, she was with the boys. She dressed like the boys and behaved like the boys. Unfortunately, she even joined in the boys in a ring of bullying that split the class up and caused a significant number of children to leave the school. One of the parents, in the darker moments of this time, remarked that she was a prime case for a sex change when she grew older.

She has one sister who is typically girly, although not overly so. Her parents and family friends just loved her for who she is and cared and guided her like any loving family.

And now she has a job, which can be done by either sex, has her hair done nicely because she is visible to the public and occasionally goes out on the town in a dress.

You just can't tell.

The only social media they have is Facebook, so no worries there.

I'd also add, that although Facebook may not be quite as awful as other social media, you can still access some pretty negative stuff at the click of a button on that site.

One of the first things that support groups often say to parents with children who may be struggling, is keep them off the Internet.

A massive ask, for a teenager. But perhaps getting them out of the house?

I'd also be very surprised, if they are not accessing other sites, when your eye isn't on it.

Hm. Surprising you didn't mention your own child in this post, OP, to say the least.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3036209-To-think-that-your-sexuality-isnt-determined-by-what-you-wear-like

Theoryofparenting

I think I get where you're coming from.

Your child has gender dysphoria, but does not buy into all the bullshit surrounding the trans-ideology.

Frankly, I have often wondered how anyone with even a modicum of intelligence does buy into it.

But of course, gender dysphoria does not necessarily make a distinction between smart people, and fools.

It does sound to me like they might well be, in old money, a lesbian.

Having a stereotypically non-feminine appearance, or non-feminine interests, but still seeing the way women are treated, because of their biology, has to be tricky. And feeling 'non feminine', despite a female body, must be difficult to navigate.

I think you're doing a great job. Having a child who has gender dysphora, yet also being gender critical, must be incredibly hard all round.

I would echo what previous posters have said. Finding a group of more stereotypically masculine lesbians, might help.

Or, have you read Lily Maynard online?

Her daughter identified as trans, despite being gender critical.

They have both written about it from their individual perspective.

It might help.

The child is 15. The OP says so clearly in her opening post.

I don't want to interpret the situation for the OP, but my understanding is that their child is genetically / biologically and 'bodily' female, but when they look in the mirror they expect to see a male body. In other words, this is about bodies (body or sex dysphoria) and not about liking football rather than dolls, etc., which suggests gender dysphoria. This is to my knowledge what used to characterise the diagnosis of 'body dysmorphia' in the past when it was all about 'transsexualism'. It's similar to 'knowing' that your right leg should not be there.

That's why I think it is useful to maintain a distinction between 'gender dysphoria' and 'sex or body dysmorphia'. One is about unhappiness with gender, the other is about a distorted view of one's own body.

Of course in the old days there were a range of treatments available and medicalisation / surgery was the last option. It is now the first.

They take on a stereotypically male appearance so that people who look at them think they have a male body, isn't that what most trans people do? In what way are they "not" trans if they have changed their name and pronouns to male and adopt the appearance of the male sex when they are female?

It's brilliant to reject the concept of self identifying because it is running rampage in Northern America and we've ended up with a lot of confused adolescents.

You don't say how old your child is now but I wonder if the sex-body dismorphia, eating disorders and self harm are all a package of symptoms stemming from one underlying problem that is not being addressed.

sunkisses 100%

Has your child looked at transexual male Miranda Yardley's website and youtube channel?

Miranda is the sane voice of trans people, recognising his sex, recognising he'll never be female, supportive of women.

mirandayardley.com/en/
www.youtube.com/channel/UCiKMgBOG8x_fdJ1B8XP1jGQ

Has your child considered calling herself non-gender conforming, and just leave it at that? Has your daughter explored her sexuality yet too? She may be lesbian and just finding it hard to come to terms with that in this horribly pornified, sexualised world, where lesbians are reduced to a male porn fantasy

Hopefully she will become comfortable in her body later and not decide to spend a life taking drugs or having surgery. Whilst it may make her happy for a while, imagine in 10 years, or 20. She needs to stay physically healthy so that she can have options later.

I second what sillage said.

Sending you and your DC kind thoughts. It sounds like you are handling the situation well.

I'm a little confused. What distinguishes your child from a "transgender" child, other than saying they have sex, not gender, dysphoria. It's just semantics, isn't it? Your child ticks every "transgender" box otherwise, even if they reject the term.

And do you mind me asking, but did your child ever consider continuing through life as a masculine/"butch" girl? If they accept that they cannot change sex?

"He doesn't identify as male because he knows that identifying as something doesn't make you that thing."

I don't understand why your child insists on the use of male pronouns if they don't identify as male.

Nor do I understand how male pronouns plus, "He does plan on surgery and hormones" can coexist with, "He knows you can't change your sex."

You sound like a great mum x

The way you explain this is very clear OP. You are lucky in having a child with such self-awareness who is able to think independently. It sounds like you're handling this as well as anyone could. Best of luck to you both.

It sounds like you both have a great attitude towards the issue

I hope it goes well for you both

Oh dear. It makes me sad to hear of people with female bodies taking T as the side effects can be pretty gruesome. I would hate it if my child was thinking of cross sex hormones and body modifications for you OP
I have heard other girls in this situation have found it helpful to read up on butch culture and to meet butch lesbians. Has your child looked into that?
Hopefully they will meet someone who helps them to love their body as it is.

And (sorry, another question!) when did the male pronoun usage come about? For me there's a tipping point somewhere between displaying an outwardly male appearance and saying, "I want you to call me X name and refer to me as 'he'".

No, you are clear, I just wanted to check I was understanding properly.

Does he plan to have surgery/drugs when he's older to be more convincingly male in appearance?

And is his mental health better since talking to you about it all?

Your kid sounds smart as a whip. Keep her away from the online crazies.
Do you think there is any scope for her to reconcile with her female body? Does she appear 'masculine' - do you think her hormones are unbalanced? Could be that puberty will make her feel more comfortable with herself as she produces more female hormones.