Is your DP a feminist?

Yy - having a daughter definitely helped DH to understand some of the things that I had been saying for years...!

Yes. He and I are partners in life, the household management, kids, earning etc. It looked a bit traditional-roles when kids were small but he took a day off a week to enable more childcare, and supported me through disability and work problems. Over the last 6 months it's ended up with me working full time and him being mostly a SAHP and he's risen to it admirably, basically just getting on and doing what needed to be done and doing it properly (eg sorting out kids book bags after school, all the laundry, texting me about things I needed to know) and telling people to shut up when they went on about how "good" he is, just shrugging "well NotCitrus managed it". Certainly didn't feel emasculated by me earning and said any man who couldn't cope with their partner earning more was a prat.
He always said that he didn't like my surname but couldn't expect me to take his seeing as he wouldn't take mine. Fair enough.
He's good at telling the kids that boys don't have to like football (he and ds hate it), they can paint nails if they want, and helps role play how to deal with stupid comments.
He's not great with words but walks the walk.

I think mine is in theory, and is getting better in practice. Having a daughter has heightened his awareness, for sure.

We talked a lot about it, we'd both been married before, and it was solely my decision, for a range of reasons, to do what I did.

He would have respected any decision I made as it's my name and my choice.

Plenty of people will say that changing your name at all is unfeminist and it's much discussed on MN. Same is also said of marriage. But choice is choice is choice and it is, for me, what feminism is about. Not blindly following the customs of the past. And even when we do follow them, being aware it's a choice and that the decisions we make are influenced by the norms of the society we live in, and all the things that feed into it.

What are your worries OP?

When we got married there was no more suggestion that I take his name than there was that he take mine! We've both kept our own names, and will work out what names to give DC when we have them.

OP asked about household duties...

Yes but I don't think he thinks deeply about it.

In terms of household chores, he does as much as I do, as he did childcare wise (DCs grown up). He does all the food shopping, much of the present buying, laundry etc, bill paying,shares cooking, cleaning etc.

Workwise, we both worked part time - cut down by a few hours each - when DCs were younger so one was of us was always around to do school pickups and child care.

I don't think he would consider himself to be a feminist however our relationship is completely equal in all ways.

I have been talking a lot recently about all the trans stuff and he agrees with me that it is complete nonsense.

He is in a manual job and tends to do all the heavy jobs around our house and I do the washing and paperwork which he has no patience with. However I would say that was due to a difference in personality rather than a male female division of labour.

My DH is and calls himself so, one of the things I really love about him.
To the poster roses who said your DH 'didn't do babies' that's terrible, and doesn't sound very 'feminist'. He had no engagement with his own children as babies?

Yes, very much. He is setting up a STEM bursary at our local secondary school (his own company) to encourage girls into STEM, sadly only for three pupils a year but it is a start.

I cannot say he is.. His upbringing was very very sexist. Dh brother has yet to turn on a washing machine at 40. I dh brought washing home even though he lived 2 hours away when he came home at weekends to his parents. His mother pulled me into the kitchen not long after we got together to show me how to bake his favourite cake and when mil went into hospital - I was sent the washing despite two grown men at home.

That was the last straw and dh now knows it is not acceptable behaviour. He has improved and I would never say he is a feminist but he is kind and will take on board anything I ask. It hugely his mother to blame. She is a walking doormat.

Yes he is, and he has campaigned and lobbied to bring about change.

DH is surprised to learn he's actually a radical feminist

Yup, he is - a v vocal feminist. Couldn't imagine a relationship as good as ours if he wasn't.

And the reason people are talking about chores is surely because one of the ways that feminist men can try to disrupt the patriarchal conditioning that tells them that the domestic sphere is primarily the responsibility of women... That certainly makes sense to me!

Why are so many people taking about chore here!!! FFS feminism is about equality for all. Polar opposites of bloody stereotypes.

Absolutely.

So is my dad. When we were younger my sister asked him to teach her how to roast a chicken so she could be a good wife in the future. God knows what she'd been watching or reading to come out with that monstrosity but he said while he was happy to teach her to cook he was shocked that he'd gone so wrong as a dad that she'd think that!

My mum's never roasted a chicken in her life and it was my dad who taught her to cook.

He was appalled when I changed my name when I got married (even though my mum had done the same...) but he respected my choice. And I actually did it by deed poll so kept my original name as well.

DH is absolutely a feminist. He's raising two feminist children and I remember the time primary aged DSS came home saying something about how "girls can't play football" DH showed him the girls can video and had a little chat about how his comment was wrong, why, and that anyone who shares opinions like that with him is a muppet.

I couldn't love or respect a man who didn't truly believe in equality and am lucky to know many wonderful men who are feminists. There are good guys out there.

My brother on the other hand...

Of course he is. I'd literally never consider being with someone who wasn't. I don't think I even have any friends of any gender who would say they weren't feminists!

I think if you asked him 'Are you a feminist?' he'd probably be like this . But in reality I'd say he is. He treats me as his equal, treats other women as his equal, he doesn't talk down to women or try to intimidate them. He does as much housework as I do, he took his turn doing nappies and getting up in the night. And loads more. He wouldn't consider himself a feminist because he just considers this all to be 'normal' behaviour.

Yes. He grew up in an incredibly patriarchal society but has bent over backwards to help his sisters and nieces and to challenge a whole host of patriarchal practices back at home. He definitely believes in equality and will do his fair share of cooking/cleaning/childcare, though old habits die hard and I sometimes have to remind him that I shouldn't be the default carer/cook etc. I still do a lot of the thinking for us both as well.

He gets very annoyed about the fact that women's sport doesn't get equal airtime on TV - especially women's cricket!

And he encourages our dd to believe that she is strong and capable, and that she can do whatever she aspires to in life.

Yes and a major part of that is how he feels about gender neutral toys and products for children. We both want DD to be DD. And we both find it shocking to hear some friends who don't get at all.

he certainly wouldn't describe himself as such, and I definitely pick up more of the wifework than him, but in most of the key stuff he is (he believes that abortion is always a woman's choice, for example, and has repeatedly promoted talented women rapidly through the ranks at work)

Yes, but I wouldn't define it by his household chores, which is shared, but by his attitude towards women and all people.

No but he's learning ;-)

Has always done more housework than me, but also expects me to pull my weight in all areas. Doesn't underestimate me or my abilities. Does want me to do all the household paperwork, but he's almost certainly undiagnosed dyslexic and finds those things hard to deal with.

Is in the military and doesn't think women should be on the front line, but finds it hard to articulate why. Especially when I argue lots of different theories with him. He's beginning to come around..!

Well we have had a traditional relationship. But I earnt more when we met (28 yrs ago). I did the DC and home largely and he brought home the very best bacon. BUT he supported me going back to work, doing a masters and prof quals. I am now director level and he is so proud and has always treated me as an equal even when I was elbow deep in nappies.

So no he doesn't do babies (or didn't) or housework or grunt stuff but he trusted me completely to deal with all that and respects me, regards me as his best friend and has always wanted me at big work stuff.

So, he wouldn't talk about being a feminist and might raise an eyebrow but he has walked the walk and supported me. And paid the cleaner and the au pair Tec because he didn't think that was my purpose.

It's very very complex imo.

My DP does more around the house than me! It is not as if his mum brought him up that way either - he was her little prince.