Is your DP a feminist?

Yes.
He does childcare and more cooking than me and we have an equal split of housework (albeit with a cleaner).
I couldn't hack any other situation.
And he is from a much more traditional culture where 'women's work' is more respected.
It is good for our daughter and I hope it means she doesn't wind up with a rubbish partner as she has seen an excellent example.

Gah I meant unless you choose a new surname

If people want to share a name as a family unit the man should change his surname to the woman's in a heterosexual relationship.

I agree it would probably be better if that was the default, but I think this is one of the things where there is no 'should', its up to the couple. For instance, I changed my name, as the vast majority of women did back then. Whereas my academic publications were worthy but mundane, really not even worth the bother of keeping a 'professional' name for, he already had a couple getting cited in his field. Changing from his unusual name to my very common one (which I didn't like anyway) would have been frankly idiotic. I can find my subsequent publications under 'his' name much more easily than those with my old one so its a win-win.

The surname thing is a bit of a non issue for me tbh. It's not my surname anyway, it's my dad's; women have never really had agency over their surnames. Unless you wo a new surname when you get married and both take it I don't see either option as particularly feminist but maybe that's just me!

Yes, plus all my male friends are. Always have been.

We split the household chores - they are divided out as per our strengths ( or what we like to do)

DH does 95% of the washing and ironing . He tidies the kitchen and washes up. He and I split the cleaning - I do the kitchen and the bathroom, he hoovers and dusts the whole house as I do the two rooms (I actually like doing those rooms). He keeps stuff tidy - I am the one who leaves knickers on the floor.
I do 95% of the cooking - he is a shit cook. I also decide what we are having meal wise. We both do the food shopping together. I manage the house - I work from home so I organise tradesmen to come (chimney sweep).

He believes we are a team and are equal-ish. I say equal-ish as he thinks I am actually superior to him as I can do everything he can (and very well) and I have given birth too!

My dh had no problem me keeping my name on marriage.
But he'd have struggled to take mine or to have our children have mine as their "surname" (they have it as a middle name on passports etc). That's our compromise.

He also isn't pt at work and wouldn't cope well with being so. Mostly as it's a very "old boys" profession he's in. He's the one Bly one at his level without a stay at home wife and gets a good bit of grief about leaving for the nursery run at 6.

I think my dh is edging towards being a feminist because he's come so far from his misoginist start in life. Very dominant Dad, Mum had little/no education, all sisters were expected to clean up and make beds for their brothers and worse.

We've been together a long time and he understands that's wrong now. In the last year he's starting cleaning up unprompted, he says he believes women are equal and will make the right appalled sounds when I talk about FGM and stuff. He hates strip clubs.

He's done some very unfeminist stuff in the past which he's ashamed and sorry for and given where he started he's doing well!!

(From a very fledgling feminist thanks to mumsnet )

Oh and when we got married he was very clear that he did not expect me to change my name and would happy to consider changing his if it was important to me. As it happens, this is not something that bothers me and I decided to change mine for a number of reasons but I was under no pressure from him to do so.

Yes, very much so.

Re names, I didn't change mine when we got married and the dc have my surname. It always surprises me how unusual this arrangement is.

Yes, and he proudly identifies as one (he has one of those 'This is what a feminist looks like t-shirts that he likes to wear when he goes to the football, etc).

He grew up in a very traditional family environment and so is not perfect and sometimes old-fashioned views do slip in, but he genuinely believes in equality and respects me deeply so is always open to discussing these things and makes a genuine effort to change any latent stereotypical behaviour.

For example, after DD was born I had a year off and we definitely slipped into typical gender roles for a while. That was fine, but I explained to him about the mental load and how I needed him to take a share of domestic responsibility, even if I was doing most of the actual work. He then actually read Wifework and tells all his friends about how they should read it, and things completely changed!

The fundamental fact of it is that mutual trust and respect. It's the essential foundation for tackling any issues within a long-term relationship.

Yes he is. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't believe in equality.

My DH is a great feminist ally. Equal split of household and childcare (we both work four days). We both double barrelled our surnames when we got married, which confused a lot of people! He's also very gender critical.

He's got more feminist in his views since we've had children and (a) he's experienced the atrocious gender stereotyping assuming he's incapable of looking after the DC and (b) he's seen how the reverse affects me. He's much more aware of the pervasive and systemic nature of the problem now.

Yes, of course. I wouldn't marry a sexist wanker.

We have a DD so it's even more vital that he is a feminist. Who wants their Dad holding them back?

If people want to share a name as a family unit the man should change his surname to the woman's in a heterosexual relationship.

I changed my name on marriage but it was due to family pressure, my dad told me he'd be ashamed if I didn't, and that it was incredibly disrespectful to my husband not to. My husband didn't care one bit but I didn't want to upset my dad. With hindsight I often wish I hadn't changed it. Although on the other hand, I do like the fact that as a family unit we all share the same name. It's a tricky one.

My dad: is a QC. Is a feminist because he's listened to what I have to say. Makes sure he furthers the cause of young women in his chambers. Goes out of his way now to recognise sexism amongst his staff. Has stopped some of the barristers at his chambers socialising at "strip pubs" in Chancery Lane (which was commonplace). Hopefully this counts. He tells me I am having a real impact upon him...and I am also doing so on my 15 year old brother. My other brother I am more fearful of...

Yes, but wasn't always this way.

There's lots he never realised about the things women go through every day. Since having DD, that has also helped.

Round the house now he'll do any housework. We split housework, childcare and work. It feels very equal and like a great team.

With gender neutral thing an example was the other day I spotted a tea pot set, which I knew DS2 would love, he's really into role play at the moment. I asked if DH minded if we got it. He agreed he would love it. I said but what about the colour, it's pink? And he shrugged and said, it's a tea pot. He'll love it.

So it's all good, and they do exist.

Even the good ones might be stuck in traditional roles though, so don't discount them!

Yup, he's a great ally.

I had changed my name when I married the first time to an astoundingly abusive man so it would have felt a bit weird not changing it again when I married this husband, so I made some non feminist choices. We've talked about me changing my name back to my birth surname, and he's fine with it, but I don't know I can be arsed with the drama. It was enough of a pain in the arse trying to convince the bank that yes, I really did wish my title to be Ms, that the thought of name changing without a really good reason is beyond my powers at the moment.

Of course .

I have never knowingly fucked a misogynist and cannot understand women who do.

Yes. My DP is definitely a feminist, which as just as well as I grew up with four brothers who are all more than a little bit on the chauvinist side. No way would I have put up with that kind of shit in a husband.

When we got married, we considered all options in terms of surnames - both keeping our own names, him taking mine, me taking his and even combining our names into a new name. In the end I took his name, but that was really because I never liked mine, whereas his is a really nice surname. I have no doubt that if I had had the nicer surname, that he would have taken mine.

I kept my name. It's my name. It wasn't an issue.

Yes. So was my father (although he wouldn't really have used the term).

I didn't change my name - it wouldn't have occurred to either of us.

@AfunaMbatata - does that not bother you?

Not at all.