Is your DP a feminist?

I'm pretty keen, NoLove :)

He's learned from me but I think he was a natural feminist growing up - his friends as a teenager were mostly girls and he continues to have close female friends. I'm not sure I would have been attracted to a man who didn't have that basic understanding and sympathy for the female POV.

He has a whole digression on the advantage he gains for actively targeting women in IT and why it makes massive business sense, but I wouldn't do justice to it. This just to say, I think, that feminist men are real.

We've been to feminist marches together. He's challenged male friends and colleagues on misogyny and casually sexist language. He works in IT and makes an active effort to hire women to his team. He's listened and learned a great deal from me about the female experience, sexual assault, and harassment.

I think this is excellent and vital. It's important for men to challenge misogyny in all situations of course but perhaps even more so in a field which is still male dominated, because in doing so he's helping remove the barriers to women progressing in the industry and helping more women into it. He sounds great.

Yes, both in theory and in practice.

We've been to feminist marches together. He's challenged male friends and colleagues on misogyny and casually sexist language. He works in IT and makes an active effort to hire women to his team. He's listened and learned a great deal from me about the female experience, sexual assault, and harassment.

He's done nearly all the cooking since our son was born and takes the lead on laundry and other responsibilities. I do lead on some areas of DC care but we have a good balance. I was committed to not marrying and having kids with someone unless he showed beforehand he pulled his weight, and he does.

He posted this on FB yesterday

Absolutely. He even listens to feminist podcasts and was part of a feminist forum but he got told off for mansplaining (he wasn't, but just by dint of being a man and voicing an opinion, that didn't go down too well) so he left again. He does as much cooking, cleaning and childcare as I do (if not more). But the thing is, he's Dutch. And most of the men here seem to be like that. I think the Scandinavians are like that too. So you need a foreign DP, OP!

And he was (and is) a fantastic father raising girls. He honestly made her realise she could do anything.

Yes, I agree about the cooking thing. We all ask dh what's for dinner, because he's the one who cooks every night. He's the one who plans what's for dinner, gets stuff out of the freezer in time for it to defrost in time to cook it and he starts cooking as soon as he's home from work.

Neither of us is the default parent for everything, which I think is important for kids to see. He has his areas of household responsibility like cooking and laundry (so if you want to know where your clean pants are, ask dad), I have different areas of responsibility (you want birthday/Christmas presents, make sure you tell mum what you want or you won't get it)

Yes, he's an ally in most areas. He's not as radical as me and we disagree on the transgender sport issue (not massively but on the finer points).

He is a very kind man though and is constantly looking to see how he can increase my happiness.

I used to do a lot more of the house stuff because I had time to do it - I've slackened off and told him so and we've both decided to care even less about it - we've basically moved towards cleaning together once a month. He absolutely thinks none of this is my job and he's properly grateful if I'm in before him and knocked up dinner.

My dad has also always been involved at home (as he should be), cooks as often as my mum does, always attends parents' evenings and events at school for my brothers and I, sometimes did the "school run" in the past and so on. I'll have to ask more about who keeps on top of arrangements my parents do socially, when those events at school are and other such work as I have a feeling my mum does it unthinkingly even though they both work full time...

I think I've made both my mum and dad more feminist but my dad specifically has listened to a lot of what I've said and takes it on board. I speak to him regularly about feminism, misogyny and my rage about what women and girls face and he's very receptive and seeks to do better himself at opposing it and making a difference to the attitudes of other men, friends and at work.

Errol-absolutely. And whether he thinks when home "hmm- it's 5.00-people will be hungry in an hour, what shall I cook?"

Whether a man is a good cook or not is what matters in relation to feminism- people have individual aptitudes and enthusiasms.

Its more along the lines of, when the kids ask 'whats for dinner' is it always Mum they ask by default? Does the dad (good cook or not) know where in the freezer the fish fingers are and which of the kids will eat broccoli?

Yes he is in actions as well as words. I am an extremely lucky woman. My husband is the bees knees (brag brag)
Examples: he took 6 months shared parental leave and sits on his companies part time/flexible working board (the only man to do so) so that he can encourage more men to work flexibly
He remembers most of the kids school requirements/play dates eye
He turned me from feeling like a freak into being more confident by making a link for me that men are threatened by assertive women
He manages and mentors lots of women at his work who are all more confident and going places because of that
He's an amazing role model for masculinity for our children. I love him to bits.

Not sure you can compare looking after your family with playing rugby!

I don't think my DP is a feminist. I'm very untidy, a hopeless cook and not a very good housekeeper. He hasn't left yet. And some men are really good cooks and good at keeping things tidy. If people want to do things that usually only men/women do then of course they should. Like playing rugby. But that doesn't appeal to me at all. But it probably doesn't appeal to quite a number of men either.

there's no reason for a woman to change her surname which wouldn't also apply to a man.

Yes. As with everything else, thats the acid test. Would a man do (or not do) what a woman is expected to do (or not do), based merely on sex.

It's not my surname anyway, it's my dad's

If a woman's surname is her dad's then why is a man's his? My surname isn't my dad's, it's mine. It's part of who I am and I will never change it, no woman should ever be expected to. Sorry again, I know this thread isn't about surnames but this notion a woman's surname is her dad's but a man's is his does get to me.

Yes, mine is. He does more than 50% of the housework, gets everybody up in the morning and gives dd2 breakfast, does drop off/pick up when needed, etc. He also is the one who went part time after dd2 was born (well, once she went to school actually).

He does still have a tendency to mansplain, and isn't great with household admin but there really isn't much of that to be done so it doesn't bother me to do it.

I agree it would probably be better if that was the default, but I think this is one of the things where there is no 'should', its up to the couple.

I concur but since it's still so often the woman who changes hers there's clearly sexism inherent in the decision. Trying to keep this brief as I don't want to turn this thread into one about changing surnames as that's not what it's about but there's no reason for a woman to change her surname which wouldn't also apply to a man. It still annoys me to this day my mum changed her surname to my dad's even though it was before I was born and is my surname, I keep trying to get her to change it back! My surname is common but it's my name and always will be. I'd only ever get married for any future husband to take my surname.

Yes through and through in everything he does at home, at work and within his family.

He is the best person I have ever met.

Yes. He believes in equality, and that includes equality of opportunity.

Neither of us changed our names on marriage. Our children have my surname as a surname and his surname as a middle name.

Surnames are often related to trades hence the amount of Smiths or for instance Beck I think is derived from living near water. DH family name is an interesting one as a really old Anglo Saxon name and I have only ever met one person with it who we are not related to.

He believes both men and women should have the same opportunities. We would put women that won't attempt DIY, drive on motorways or use their gender to say they can't do something in the same vein as men not doing chores, as do I. I have met women like this.

When we both worked FT the chores were evenly split and he got DS ready for school for years.

I didn't change my name on marriage. When I returned to work they had changed my name in the door of my office, they had to change it back.

He basically likes people that will have a go at anything.

Yes my DH is. We also have at least a dozen couples among our friends who are just as egalitarian and feminist

the decent ones do exist. Good luck!

"it's my dad's; women have never really had agency over their surnames."
So how do men get their surnames then?