Is your DP a feminist?

He even listens to feminist podcasts and was part of a feminist forum but he got told off for mansplaining (he wasn't, but just by dint of being a man and voicing an opinion, that didn't go down too well) so he left again.

Crikey.

My DP definitely does his fair share of housework and treats me as an equal and a friend, as he does with his mum and sisters and female friends etc. I don't think it's as simple as someone being a feminist and therefore not a misogynist or vice versa, though. We all have internalised misogyny to some extent, and he's bound to say and think things that are misogynistic or have roots in misogyny sometimes- as am I. I think I'd be bound to recognise some things as misogynistic that he never would. But on the big ticket stuff (my career, housework etc) he'd take the feminist stance automatically, and he does talk without my prompting about what it must be like as a woman in his male dominated industry etc.

I know what you mean, Sentientcushion - I still struggle with the impulse to do everything myself. Yesterday DH wanted a family day trip together but we also had several other things that needed doing. Usually it's me pushing and organising to make sure we fit it all in, but I took a deep breath and thought to myself - let him manage us, if it's important to him. And he did and it was great!

I'm not seeing the connection between the female friend thing to be honest.

My dh has loads of female friends, he just naturally gets on with women better. He loves women and feels much more of a connection with them, he says it's because women talk about more interesting things and they tend to be funnier (I couldn't possibly comment on such matters).
I'm not possessive of him at all and like the fact he has female friends it means he hears all about the shit they go through.

My dh is a feminist ally but its an ongoing negotiation about housework. It's not just up to him though, I find that I pick up tasks without even thinking about it and then I'm suddenly like, why is this down to me?

We are very open with each other about it and he also sees it as a feminist issue so we are working it out.

Yes through and through in everything he does at home, at work and within his family.

He is the best person I have ever met

Yeah, I could have just written this!

God I love that man. I'd be alone rather than live with someone who was even slightly misogynistic. Because ultimately if you want to share your life with someone who you see as being a bit beneath you - the way many hetero men do - what does that say about you?

Yes, my dp is a feminist. I don't think she be with me if I wasn't one too!

FWIW, my DH has quite a few female friends, including one ex-girlfriend and I genuinely have no concerns about any of them. He even had an extra stag party before we got married where he went out with his ex-girlfriend and her group of friends that he knows really well, and I wasn't bothered in the slightest.

For me feminism has nothing to do with housework

For me it's everything to do with it. Housework is the shit mundane unpaid work that women have done for centuries and have never been recognised for.

Capitalism relies on the unpaid labour of women.

It's the work that men don't often see.

Sorry, double post.

My ex partner was like the best feminist dad in the world. But he also liked to fuck other women.

Turns out he loves his women to be intelligent and subservient.

He, this feminist ally, actually called me a feminazi.

My ex partner was like the best feminist dad in the world. But he also liked to fuck other women.

Turns out he loves his women to be intelligent and subservient.

He, this feminist ally, actually called me a feminazi.

Domestically yes. I'm not sure how he and his brothers ended up being men who do the majority of the cooking and don't assume any household task to belong to one sex over the other - as this was not modeled by their own parents.

Politically - he's learnt a lot and now points out inequality and entitled male behaviour unprompted by me. He works in a more female dominated profession and will take time off to look after ill children to make a point that dad's should be doing that too - even though it is more detrimental to his workplace than mine if he misses a day.

If I lost him, I'd rather be alone than be with a man who isn't this way.

DH is definitely a feminist/feminist ally (he asked me which one he should call himself and to be honest I'm not totally sure either ), he holds feminist beliefs but doesn't know if he can call himself feminist because he hasn't lived the experiences in the way I have and the way DD unfortunately will.

On a practical level, there's never been the expectation that I'll do all the "house stuff" or be a housewife in any way, shape or form. He's the cook of the family, because he can cook and I can't. He does the majority of the housework as he's a SAHD and I work long shifts. He comes from a family where the roles were very strictly adhered to and struggles at times with the feeling that he should be the breadwinner, but there's never been any expectation that I'll limit my career to enable this, and he loves being a SAHD, the feelings of guilt are just a hangover from his upbringing. It suits us far better to do things this way.

He's also gender-critical and we are both working hard to ensure, as much as we can, that DD is not limited by what society thinks she should do because she's female. I'd never tell him that he can't have female friends, and he'd never tell me I can't have friends of either sex (I'm bisexual). We trust each other.

Housework's just a proxy in this discussion, surely?

My DH is passionate about health equality, particularly for women in developing countries.
We have two DDs and I'm so glad he's their dad.

The female friends things makes me laugh - some of my family have made a big deal about DH being called away from an event because his best friend had a DV situation.
I'm bisexual - am I allowed any friends?!

I asked DH, he said he considered himself feminist, he said yes but not as "extremist" as me (cheers DH!), but recognises that is because he has no vested interest (and he thinks having daughters would have made a difference)

For me, Bertrand, the link is seeing women as not that different to them, i.e. not a special species with responsibility for housework, and also considering that partner's time and feelings to have equal weight with their own and themselves having equal responsibility in their home.

So yes, I do see a connection between men seeing women as full human beings, having female friends, and pulling their weight in the home sphere. That's a side point here, I guess, but I think more women who want what is essentially a feminist partner, even if they don't call it as such, might have one if it were more accepted that yes, it's not only possible but natural to have friends of the opposite sex.

I don't think feminists are particularly possessive, are they? And I honestly don't understand the "50% of the housework/having women friends" trade off......

However, I'm not sure any feminists have ever said their partners can't be friends with other women.

No, that's true. I haven't seen anyone on this site say that they are a feminist and in their next breath say that they don't think their partner can have female friends. But I think there are a lot of women, including on here, who would say that they want a partner who does their share of the housework and childcare, who listens to them and supports them and respects their perspective, but would also come down like a ton of bricks on that partner's female friends. I'm even more sure that there are people on here who would consider me hopelessly naive for "tolerating" DH having close female friends. And I do think there's a contradiction there worth pointing out.

Quentin - sounds like he's more self-aware than some men who claim to be feminists. Would he accept he's a good 'feminist ally'? Personally I don't mind which a bloke calls himself, its what he does which matters, but I think 'ally' can be a helpful concept.

I'm not sure I would have been attracted to a man who didn't have that basic understanding and sympathy for the female POV.

I share your feelings on that. I'm only friends with boys who do and are supportive of feminism, certainly couldn't be in a relationship with one who wasn't. I agree on your other sentiments as well! However, I'm not sure any feminists have ever said their partners can't be friends with other women. To me a boy/man who has a lot of friends who are girls/women is a huge positive.

Interestingly I just told DH what I posted about him and he said he's not a feminist and he doesn't think men can be feminist!
He thinks he objectifies me too much to be feminist

He calls himself one, but he's not as far along the scale as I am!!

He was raised by a single dad, so is a very keen parent (probably more so than me!), and as my carer has little choice but to take on a great deal of the wifework His best friend is a woman and is also quite a keen feminist. I originally took his surname on marriage, but when I told him I wanted to change back, he didn't bat an eye.

Also, I suppose this links to another point that often bugs me on this site - that if you find your partner - gasp - having a friendship with a woman, you must STAMP IT OUT IMMEDIATELY, else his penis will inevitably fall into her vagina at some point.

If you want a partner who is a feminist and sees you as a human being, surely you can understand that that means that he will also see other women as human beings, and maybe even genuinely like them as friends without inevitably fucking them? How can you have a partner who's a feminist if you deem that the only woman in the whole world he's allowed to see as a human being is you?