Worried I'm missing opportunities to 'teach' my 3 DDs feminism

But being the woman at home and "running the house" is hardly a great example - that's what the OP's concern is. Your daughters will see that as the norm and it may be likely that they themselves will have no careers. Why don't you work on developing a career for yourself, once the kids are in school? Then you'll be modelling something much better.

OP - what are your longer term plans once your children are older? Have you given any thought to this? As an older woman, I can tell you the child rearing years are a surprisingly short section of a long life (unless you have loads of children far apart).

My children have pretty much flown the nest so I am very grateful for the foundations I laid that mean I know have a well paid and fulfilling career to take me to retirement.

Many women take the opportunity to leave a job they don't enjoy and retrain in something fulfilling. Actively engaging in what you plan to do longer term that isn't about you being their mum will enable your children to see you as a full and rounded human being with opportunities and skills beyond child work and house rearing. It will also ensure that you don't find yourself in the position of many middle aged women who can't get back into the world of work in an interesting role.

This is doubly good as it explores opportunities that your children may be interested in longer term as well as you and reinforces that there is a whole world outside the home that women can, and do, engage in to make a meaningful and important contribution to the larger community, through the work they do, the colleagues they support or the taxes they pay.

@Wunderkind77 - if a feminist is defined by employment and surname then it's not the important status I thought it was. Being a feminist is important to me because I take it to mean I live a life where I am empowered to make choices and decisions. A life where I am respected and valued. A life where my gender never limits me. A life where I contribute positively to society and support other women to feel equally empowered. Those are the important things.

I do work and have retained my own surname but those are not the features that make me proud to be a feminist.

That's not a very helpful post in my opinion Wunderkind77.

WomanNoCis I think it sounds like you're excellent, thinking about how to introduce your daughters to feminism and will be able to do so - I'm sure they are and will continue to thrive!

I agree with a lot of what has been said, I would also try and teach them to support other women rather than see other women as competition. I hate the way we often tear each other to pieces over the choices we have made or the way we look etc or are bitchy about every day matters.

Little daily things - when you go shopping, ask them why they think there are segregated boys and girls clothes, then why the girls stuff is pink princesses while the boys stuff is superheros and dinosaurs.

Ask them what they think job does, what would be good or bad about it, ditto with people in the public eye. Try and subtly find examples that are routinely gendered.

Play games of "spot the sexism" (you will know how to make that age appropriate!) - make it fun and educational. Teach them the basics of the suffragettes and why they did what they did.

If appropriate, show them Jane Elliott's "brown eyes, blue eyes" experiment as a way of saying that -isms are generally wrong and talk to them about how blue/brown eyes can be sex or skin colour or anything.

I'm afraid it's going to be tricky to "model" feminism when you're a SAHM. Actions speak louder than words. And you gave the kids your husband's surname, and then took it as well? If you don't mind me asking: in what ways are you a feminist?

I think there's a balance to be had. I consider myself the equal of any man. My husband considers me his equal/superior. We make major decisions jointly. I'm not an angry, get really cross about surnames and pink clothes type person though. I believe man and woman are different- equal but different. I see no issue with women performing most of childcare if husband is supporting family and working long hours. It becomes an issue if that childcare is seen as less important than being a CEO of a multinational.
Role modelling is key. My girls are all high achievers who are fully able to support themselves financially, socially and emotionally. They choose to be in equal and respectful relationships and expect their needs/wishes to be given parity with their partners needs/wishes.

My experience is that women who ditched the anger about men taking up,more physical space/men not being able to feed an infant etc are happier and actually live more equal lives.

Being a SAHP doesn't mean you have given up your rights to feminism. As long as you have made that choice and feel empowered it is what works for you. Seems senseless to me to sacrifice financial security and stability at the alter of feminism. Your contribution, your work in the Home, is just as important.

I think what's more important is embracing the individuality of the little people you're raising. Embrace their quirks and encourage their interests, whatever they may be. Challenge stereotypes as they arise (for example ALL mums stay at Home, all dads go to work) but always emphasise that it comes down to choice.

It's not about giving long winded lectures on feminism but as and when those issues arise use it as a springboard for discussion, where appropriate.

It might also be good to tell your daughters about great women when you can, or women who've thrived in fields associated with men such as Ada Lovelace, of that Cordelia Fine is the third woman in a row to win the Royal Society Science Book of the Year, or women excelling now such as DPP Alison Saunders, all depending on their interests of course and raising them in the context of what they want to study/do in future. I think it's vital girls see examples of women who have thrived and are thriving in various industries, lots of girls don't realise certain opportunities are open to them I think, internalised from a young age certain careers/past times are "for boys".

Being a SAHM does not prevent you being a feminist role model.

You sound like you have an equal relationship. Do your girls see you making decisions independently, does your DH treat you with respect? Is it clear you are SAHM because that is what you wanted and chose to do, rather than what was expected?

I talk to my girls about feminism, the history of womens' rights, continued inequality. We follow various strong female role models on Social media. Also accounts like Mighty Girl which often feature stories of incredible women.

Follow a Mighty Girl on facebook for great book recommendations. Make sure your DH does pull his weight around the house. Talk to them about different ways of living - don't say things like 'oh yes, it's a shame little friend can't have playdates, but his mother works' (in the same tone as you'd say 'her mother has heroin for breakfast) as a particular charmer said about my DS's friend in the playground once.

Sorry, I didn't mean to turn this thread into a debate about that - apologies if my post was unhelpful. On that issue I can't see any reason for a man not to change his surname if he marries and think it's symbolic of sexism children seem to almost automatically get their father's surname.

You started the thread about introducing your daughters to feminism though so sorry for derailing it! You can definitely introduce your daughters to feminism I think. Ensure they're free from gender stereotypes (as far as they can be), can aspire to anything they want, can discuss feminist issues with you; as a feminist yourself I'm sure there's a lot you can talk to them about. Questioning why some things are as they are, sexist attitudes they may hear and so on. I definitely think your daughters can be introduced to feminism and hope they are!

It's still possible. It's different but I'm annoyed to this day my mum changed her surname to my dad's, it's something I'll never stop questioning her over but I still admire her hugely. She's my inspiration. The main thing is you bring your daughters up to be who they want to be, not be limited by stereotypes or outdated notions of gender and to feel free. Also to resist and oppose male violence.

If you're financially dependent how much autonomy do you have? What do your daughters witness about the equality between the sexes when they look at you and DH?