Worried I'm missing opportunities to 'teach' my 3 DDs feminism

I'm a bit embarrassed for you and your views about women.

Obviously a professional childcare worker is more qualified than you when it comes to childcare.

Wunderkind Yes we jointly decided. I was actually the higher earner at the time and he was going to be a stay at home father doing a little supply work but I really wanted to have longer with the baby and not go back straight away. After the second we decided it would be better if he found some ambition so I could afford to stay with my babies.

How does that belittle women? Insisting all children have to be dumped in a nursery being cared for by a disaffected and far less qualified person than their own parent just because feminists feel women have to work to demonstrate equality is a bit skewed.

Also, of course "proper feminists" support better wages and working conditions for nursery workers. We believe that childcare should be heavily subsidised, like it is in most other European countries.

@crumbs

Maybe it would be better working towards a society which valued good child rearing as the most beneficial role a woman can do.

Oh God. Seriously?

And you "jointly decided" that his career should take precedence? You're doing feminism wrong.

Excellent post and suggestions Sylvia.

Wunderkind77 do you think all those 'proper' feminists are going to be happy paying much higher nursery fees to enable the workers to have a higher salary? Maybe it would be better working towards a society which valued good child rearing as the most beneficial role a woman can do.
It's not about work it's about choosing what is right for you and your family and being valued as an equal when you do that. It's about teaching children that all people are equal from birth. It's about teaching children to respect all people equally. Its encouraging girls to reach their potential just as much as boys. It's upholding the same standards and expectations for boys and girls.

Without that all the ripping up up pink clothes and placard waving will be wasted. I'm no more equal now I'm in a high paid job than I was breastfeeding my baby. It's really not about paid employment.
And yes, I suppose we could have shared our child rearing more equally and taken the salary hit if my husband was a more omnipresent father but then neither of us would have reached our potential and we'd not have been so able to support our family as a couple. As it is we decided jointly about whose career would take precedence during the early years and what that meant for both of us. His success meant when the children were a bit older we could afford for me to gain higher qualifications and return to full time work at a reasonable level and focus on my career. Having everything you want all the time without compromise might be 'proper' feminism but it's certainly not the best way to happy, long term relationships and contentment.
Feminists should be trying to ensure women don't feel they have to be superwoman and should be supporting other women not damning their choices.

There are two main elements to teach:

1. Women and girls matter.
2. The treatment of women and girls.

The first is about teaching through example and through media the value of female relationships with each other and the value of what women do. Pick tv shows and books where women talk to each other and have friendships with each other.

Remember the Bechdale test. Teach your DDs to watch out for it. Every time there is a trailer on with one girl in and a whole load of guys, point it out. DD and I raise 1 finger in front of each other in the cinema every time that happens in a trailer.

Talk all the time about female politicians and thinkers. Go to women's events. Watch female performers. Read books about women and girls by women. Listen to female musicians. Admire female characters.

Value women.

1. The treatment of women and girls.

Talk about how women and girls around the world are treated. Make links between issues like environmental problems and women and girls' lives. Support charities that support women. Look at charities like Water Aid and sanitation issues for women. Talk about pregnancy; talk about how amazing it is to be a mum, and talk about all the women who have children taken away from them as part of the oppression of women. Talk about how each and every woman should be entitled to women's rights, and how many are denied them. Talk about how amazing it is to be able to go to school; talk about how all the girls who can't. All this age appropriately, of course.

Loads of good ideas here which I will try. I also try to train mine up with a few cheery or sarky comebacks for the inevitable playground shite about 'only boys/girls can like/wear/play with that!'

Also I try to focus on the least sexist kids tv options and to avoid advertising wherever possible. There are a few threads on here recommending good tv series for kids if you search.

but also that choices which are on paper available aren't really always available as conditioning and gender stereotyping

neutral! AGH!

But feminism isn't really "all about choice", is it?

It's all about showing how the choices available to male and female persons are not neurral and arbitrary, and are not valued equally by society.

I hated feminism through my teenage and young adult years because to me it meant lectures and being made to feel guilty for wearing lipstick and liking popular culture That is a shame.

I don't think the thread should focus on SAHM v WOHM but the OP has made the point that she is worried that she is providing examples conforming to patriarchy which I think prima facie she is. She has to be prepared to counter the impression that her life choice may give as to her beliefs

I have a friend in a similar position to you who has gone back to work (PT - freelance) in order to model independence to her children. She has a (very) high earning husband. One of the amusing consequences has been she is now very picky about her freelance commissions and actually earns more than she did when she was FT.

My mum is an academic radical feminist. I grew up immersed in feminist theory.

So naturally, I rebelled. :)

Well not really, I am a gobby feminist myself but fuck me some of it was truly joyless. Ditch the theory. Never use the words 'research shows...' unless you want to see eyes rolled back to the sky.

Be a feminist. Act like one. Say feminist stuff. But don't 'educate' unless it's immediately relevant to a real life situation, or it's been asked for.

I hated feminism through my teenage and young adult years because to me it meant lectures and being made to feel guilty for wearing lipstick and liking popular culture.

Be fun, and be kind.

That was a great post DrizzleHair.

I think one of the most important thing for SAHP feminists to do is model good, equal relationships. This really means working together with your partner. It's very easy for the SAHP to default to "wifework" mode- and frankly, it's often easier that way, so the parents have to make sure they don't do that. Or at least, not always......

Oh dear conserve. It exasperates me when my mum does it because I don't want to keep "correcting" in case it's irritating, but then this kind of language does matter I think!

"I'm not an angry, get really cross about surnames and pink clothes type person though."

You don't have to be angry or get really cross. You just have to be aware of the inequality and the gender stereotyping.

My neighbour - who is in her late 30s - refers to the 'lady doctor' her children see. She gives me a little smile as she does it because she knows I'm a feminist and she's showing me how progressive she is.

My mum defaults to "he" so much she refers to one of our neighbour's cats with the male pronouns even though we know she's a...she, and also defaults to "he" when talking about dentists (for example if someone mentions they met a dentist but doesn't say the name) even though she herself is one She also assumes "he" for various other professional jobs and always says, for example, "businessmen". In our household it's me who always pulls her up on this, though one of my brothers also does now

Oh and not automatically defaulting to male for all the animals in the world too like every other fucker seems to - 'Oh look at the cow! Isn't he big?' Um, it's got FUCKING UDDERS?

So I do lots of things - e.g. I cook with them both, climb trees with them both, dd is very into football atm and we actively encourage her to be.

I call it out when I see it. So in Enid Blyton books for example the boys always have the good ideas and protect the girls so before do could read I would just reverse that by changing the names of the speakers (and often changing the sex of the main character in picture books etc) and now she's older I just point it out. 'Wow, it seems like this author really doesn't feel like girls can be brave/active/whatever, I wonder why that is' Actually that's doubly helpful because it gets them to understand how writers make choices so kerching - English curriculum too

Only one poster has said that though NameChange. I think it's frustrating as it's derailed the discussion from what the OP was asking about, which is an important question (on introducing feminism to her daughters). There have been some very good suggestions though.