Depressed at weddings - AIBU?

My parents both walked into the venue with me and then sat down.
My dress was light green.
I gave a speech.
I did change my surname.

Until I recently started reading this board I knew very little about feminism, now I think I might be one!

My two closest friends did the whole proposal/ring/white dress/mens speeches thing. I was delighted to celebrate with them because it's fun and who doesn't love a party, but fuck me. So many inward 'really?' moments. Why oh why oh why...

And it's getting worse not better. Fb bragging now a factor too.

YABU. I am a feminist and had a fairly traditional wedding. We did everything you mention apart from being given away during the ceremony - I don't see many people doing that these days although most people do have a male family member walking them down the aisle. I feel that getting married is in itself an age-old tradition, no matter how you go about it. So I don't see the problem with the traditions, as long as people aren't feeling compelled to indulge in any traditions they feel uncomfortable with. I'm happy to be Mrs X because I had no particular affection for my maiden name and it felt good to have a change.

Maybe the non traditional people aren't going down the wedding events industry route. Perhaps there is a humanist celebrant somewhere thinking 'you never see a traditional wedding anymore'

But you are right, it does seem that women are still given from one man to another in most cases.

I agree. Marriage in general is one of the hardest things for (first world) feminists to negotiate, I think. On the one hand women get certain protections from being married, on the other there are real costs to us - starting with the ceremony that gets us those protections.

If I was going to get married now, I would do a few things differently. I may or may not take DH's surname. I would definitely speak at the reception. I would probably still have a white dress. I didn't use a veil the first time around or have "wife" signs up, so those are moot.

My dad walked with me down the aisle, and I would do that again, purely for his sake. There was no "who giveth this woman?" at the end of the aisle, but I would have hurt him immensely not to have had him do that role. I would probably ask my mum to walk with us, but I strongly suspect that she would rather not, as she is very traditional in certain ways.

Oh, I don't know. The traditional wedding and the name stuff are mostly just symptoms of the disease that is patriarchy. (Except when the name stuff causes problems for the woman)

It is the most obvious with weddings, that women just unthinkingly do things they were socialized to want, but on a larger scale, women wanting to be thin, wearing high heels or too tight shoes, spending tons of money for make-up, etc, is the larger problem.

For your own wellbeing, it seems advisable to tell yourself that those women won't be harmed by wearing an enormous white dress one day. There's no need to feel guilty for participating in the wedding industry.

The attitude with which someone goes through life is what harms them - if you didn't let them have their wedding dress and being given away by their fathers, they'd still live their lives along to patriarchal patterns, so ...

I agree! I didn't change my name but I did have my father walk me down the aisle to keep the peace. I wish I had put my foot down tbh.

No flaming here. I agree 100%. Of course it's everyone's individual choice and I'd never pee on anyone's parade if that's what they wanted but the fact that so many choose to go along with such an unequal practice, yes that annoys me.