Depressed at weddings - AIBU?

And men always seem to like their surnames and have no trouble spelling them either.

I think that you need to keep your nose out of other people's business. You are there to do a job, not judge people.

No you didn't have a man's surname. You had your own one. The point isn't where the name came from, it's the fact that in adulthood you changed your identity. Men do not do this, most of them would give you a blank look if you suggested such a thing.

It doesn't matter how we came by our names, they are ours. Expecting women to change theirs in adulthood while not expecting men to is the very definition of sexism.

at which point might it not be just as sensible to take your husband's?

Don't you mean your husband's father's name? If you don't get to call your name your own, why does he?

I married at a registry office, I didn't wear a white dress and no-one gave me away or walked me down the aisle. We didn't have an "event" with speeches etc so you would never have seen our wedding! Afterwards we just went home to pack for our holiday the next day (at a theme park).

Neither of our father's are on the marriage certificate because neither of them were in our lives at that time.

I did take his surname because I never liked mine anyway.

But Morris I've still got a man's surname, just given to me by my father rather than my husband. Whilst I may have had it from birth it's still only mine by dint of the men in my life.

DH and I have had quite the feminist conversion (thanks mostly to this board) and were discussing the name thing fairly recently. We would probably now pick a new surname as ours rather than his/mine and I wish this would become tradition. That each new union has a new family name and looks to the future instead of the past.

Will stop derailing the thread now.

I spoke at my wedding and most weddings I have been to the brides got to speak. I don't think that's the point. I think the point is that they seem so contrived to project that air of perfect happiness when most of us know how bloody hard being married is and how often it doesn't work out.

In the 200+ I've done, I can count on one hand the number of times I've heard a woman speak at her wedding.

We have been to 4 weddings this year. All brides have done a speech.

Will be attending one in October and one at Christmas. Brides are planning on it at those too....

I might be even more skeptical than you, OP.
I think most people follow cultural norms for the most part, as boring as they may be. A lot of people feel expected to do what everyone else is doing.
FWIW I had wanted to simply elope with my husband as I had very few friends and family and simple wanted to marry what I though was my soulmate (currently going through separation). But he insisted on a 'proper wedding' and we had save up for a year and live like church mice to do it, but I really felt like a lot of it wasn't for me. On my wedding night I expected some romantic lovemaking but my STBXH roughly pinned me down and had his way and then rolled off. I couldn't really believe it as he had never ever done that before.

I had my wedding dress preserved after the ceremony as my mother had done with hers. I don't know why I did it. I recently threw it in the garbage as I am separating and realized the wedding and vows meant nothing.... Yes, I agree the custom can be a real pile of shit if you are just doing it because it's expected.

Oh, I didn't give a speech as I was happy to get drunk, relax and not have that pressure. One of my bridesmaids did though, as she is a teacher and an entertaining speaker.

Totally agree with you but as others have said, people who go for the 'big weddings with an event planner ' seem to be the ones happiest to go for the naff, boring traditional wedding without any thought of an original idea.

I feel like as long as it's a choice and not bowing to tradition, it's not a bad thing. I changed my name as I no longer wanted my Father's name and have never felt it was something I had to do. For me the key thing is choice I guess.

Nouveau - quite. Perhaps as more generations of children who have their mother's surname reach marrying age there will be a better answer to your question

Our wedding was quite a traditional country wedding. Getting married wasn't something I had planned out all my life, and I was the first of my school friends to get married. So we just took ideas we liked from the (few) weddings we'd been to, which were all pretty traditional. Plus it's only recently that many other venues have been licensed for marriage. It was pretty much either church, registry office or one or two (expensive and not very good) hotels locally. I didn't really think of it as being anti-feminist. The traditions might come from treating women as chattels, but weddings and marriages are very much what the couple makes of it, and that's what counts to me.

I never thought of not changing my name. For a bit of hassle at the beginning it just seemed to make life easier after that. There will never been any question over whether we are actually married or whether my daughters are mine.

The sexist certificates are an English thing. Scotland lists mothers names and occupations.

It's not about who the name belongs to or came from, it's your name because you've had it from birth. If it wasn't really your name then that would mean your husbands name wasn't his either as it was his father's.

You're obviously working in the wrong industry for you. Did you NC for this post or are you a first time poster OP?

Can I ask a question about the name thing? My maiden name was my father's name - so surely keeping his name is keeping a man's name? I took my husband's name - it was before I discovered my feminist credentials - and if we were to marry now I probably wouldn't, but I wouldn't feel comfortable keeping my father's name. What can you do, aside from choose your own surname, at which point might it not be just as sensible to take your husband's?

I am planning my wedding at the moment. No white dress or veil, no aisle, I'll be speaking (and writing the vows), no bridesmaids, no best man and I won't change my name.
I don't think I'm doing anything that radical. But I do get the off raised eyebrow. My DP think it sounds a lot better too, less like he's a bit player in the Noni show. The conditioning for weddings is unreal. Helping plan a wedding for 2 men was surreal. Much debates (from everyone else) about who went first for everything. And then pomp and ceremony added back in because "men won't want favours" "we'll skip the entrance at the breakfast" "they'll not have a wedding party".

Most of the patriarchal elements are optional - what annoyed me most was that the legal marriage certificate asks you to list the name and occupation of both your fathers, with no mention of mothers!

Blame etsy and NotOnTheHighStreet for all the "Mr & Mrs" shite, it's everywhere! I'm not changing my name and the amount of decor, stationary and other stuff I've had to discount because I'm not becoming Mrs DP is unreal. I've had to put on our wedding website (don't flame me! It was mostly accommodation and travel info for travelling guests) that neither of us are changing our names and could people please take this into account if they decide to give us a gift. I do judge the haste and enthusiasm some women show in changing their name, like it's some sort of sign of being a "grown up" when in reality you're sacrificing a bit of your own identity.

I'm guilty of having my dad give me away, but NI is a very traditional place. My dad would be gutted if he didn't get to do it and people would 100% think it was a snub. And most importantly, I want my dad to do it. Also I'm not doing a speech, but that's because i hate public speaking and I'm not doing something I don't want to do on my wedding day.

I'm pretty much doing whatever I like, and that includes getting dressed up (so is DP to be fair) for photos for prosperity. I don't mind if you judge me for it, we all do it!

I had a v non traditional wedding - eloped no family celebrant etc.. I planned it all myself online so perhaps the above poster is correct that you just aren't seeing those types of weddings.

In saying that I did become Mrs inserthusbandssurname we knew we wanted children and I wanted us to have a family surname without double barrell nonsense. If I could go back and create our own new surname that would have been better (and would have pissed off the in-laws so win win)