Depressed at weddings - AIBU?

My name is foreign and so difficult to spell that my mil still can't do it after fifteen years of acquaintance. My whole family have countless anecdotes about the nonsense it causes.

But I wouldn't consider changing it and nor would my brother.

('Hey, foreign people! Got an annoying name that normal folks struggle to spell or pronounce? Anglicise it! Problem solved!' is er, somewhat problematic as the young people say).

I am also one of these women with a difficult to spell double barrel surname, had the option to change it to DH's very generic English surname (think Smith, Jones etc as a pp has said). No way in hell!

Totally with you Thurlow, on all of it. The 'big day' stuff gives me the icks - I'm a private, introverted person and the thought of being looked at all day just horrifies me. I would be mortified. DP feels the same.

I remember a colleague talking about how much she was dreading the public aspect of her wedding day - being on show and having to walk in to the ceremony with everyone staring at her etc. She actually said that she wanted to get most of the day over and done with, and wouldn't be able to relax until the evening bit with the disco and all that This was only about 2 weeks away from the wedding so I didn't feel it was the best time to ask her just why on earth she was putting herself through all this torture for the sake of 'tradition'

My last name is a pain in the ass which people always say and spell wrong but its still my name, that people have known me by all my life. Apparently no men have boring or difficult or hard to pronounce names, only women who are just dying to change them......

Some things are just traditions. I consider myself a feminist but I enjoy the traditional wedding trimmings. I'm also an atheist but I enjoy celebrating Christmas - it doesn't mean anything to me but it's fun!

Having said all that the mothers name not on wedding certificate drives batty. Why on earth is it not??!

Also would have both parents walk me down be aisle.

Arg affect, effect? Can never get that one right...

I do think it depends on who's wedding you are looking at. I have a largely liberal feminist circle of friends who the majority of have spoken at wedding, not changed their names etc. But I appreciate that is not the norm necessarily.

I try to think of feminism in terms of "having the choice" as one of 'it's core values, along with equality of course. So if women want to choose to incorporate some traditional elements I think that's fine.

It does however make me sad when people don't recognise the affect of the patriarchy.

And in Scotland mothers are on wedding certificates with their occupation AND if they use their husbands name or not their "maiden" name is included too.
My mum is listed as
Jane Doe (ms) or Jones
(Occupation)
Where Doe is her maiden name and Jones her married name (my dads).
Dh's mum who is divorced and remarried is
Jane Doe (ms) or Smith or Jones
(Occupation).

We're not married, the only reason we would get married is if we felt that we had no other legal route for protecting ourselves, which we are frustratingly close to so I wish the civil partnership case would hurry up and get sorted.

We're now the last of all the people we know not to get married. When it crops up in conversation I'm amazed how many women are shocked that I don't want the 'wedding' experience, the special dress and the big party and being centre of attention. It's like it's been instilled in so many women to want that 'big day' experience, even if they add their own twists to it.

As for changing your surname - personally I can't entirely get my head around it, whether it's the woman changing their name, the man changing their name, or creating a new one. Your name is your name and has been since you were both. It's your identity. Why would anyone - woman or man - want to change that simply because they had a party and made a public commitment of being together? I don't share a surname with my children and don't mind at all because their name is their own individual name, they don't share first or middle names with me either.

However I know I'm in a significant minority there

I think you have a serious sample bias OP. I suspect a lot of feminists don't get married to their partners. Those who do may have weddings not involving whatever service you offer. I had a registrar, ceilidh band and caterer but nothing else "wedding-industry" for mine (green dress, no aisle, no name change, speeches from me and dh).

At my wedding with my ex dh I walked "down the aisle" (hotel) on my own. Didn't think anything of it and I don't think anyone thought . My father left when I was 2 so don't see why he should A) attend the wedding B) "give" me away.

With my current dp we have talked about getting married one day and after his stress about having to do a best man speech recently I said if we get married I will make a speech. He said that's great! Probably because he then doesn't have to but for me it is more like why the hell not! I would like to make a speech (maybe after a couple of g&ts ) because I am a modern woman! I would like his name though mainly because I hate my surname and he has a nice one!

I've found my people! I get depressed every time Mr and Mrs Husband's name is announced. I hope I don't let it show but it always makes me sad.

It's nice to have the tradition.

What's "nice" about it?

Oh and woman don't take their husband's name here

Well, my sister went the whole hog, her DP called my father to ask for his blessing. He then proposed, she accepted and they announced their engagement. They had a traditional church wedding with the white dress, giving away of the bride etc. She's quite independent as a rule, but definitely went down the traditional route here (no 'obey' though).
DP and I (I'm older than my sister was, this is DP's second marriage) took a joint decision to get married. There was no proposal, no ring... We are having the legal bit where we live, with no-one else present and a nice meal for us. We are then having a symbolic (not religious, much to my parents' dismay) ceremony, outdoors, in France. I am torn about the aisle thing, because I am not really inclined to do it. DP and I will already have been married for some time at that stage and I had thought we could walk in together (this often happens here for the church wedding). However, I think my father would be hurt by this, so I am in two minds, especially as there won't be any speeches, other than a thank you from us.
I think where we are coming from is that we are both independent adults (in our 40s and 50s) and want to have a wedding that reflects who we are. Our main priority is that people should spend a lovely day together.
I'm having the dress though as I absolutely adore posh frocks (even though I'm usually found working backstage in a theatre, wearing black clothes and safety boots).
I think it's a bit extreme to reject all tradition, even if it isn't feminist. I think traditions bring people together and that, to me, is what weddings are all about

When you say you work in the wedding industry, what is it you do? Maybe there are lots of non traditional couples but they're not using your services (they have a friend doing photography / are not getting married in a country house / aren't having seat covers or what ever)

Personally I felt a little conflicted about the patriarchal aspects of our wedding but did have my DF give me away. It's nice to have the tradition. However I did make a speech!

My mum walked me down the aisle and did a speech. My dad was there but my mum brought me up by herself since I was three. It was never going to be any different and my dad knew that!

My surname was my dad's, who I don't like very much which obviously affects how I feel about the name.

Dh's surname wasn't from his father, but from his mother as his parents were unmarried when he was born. Which in turn wasn't her father's name either for similar reasons.

I like that it was a name that had nothing to do with marriage for a couple of generations at least. It's also very generic, think Smith or Jones etc, which also made it more appealling to me.

Absolutely SPARKS17, it's a no brainer. They very narrowly lost the case last time. All 3 judges agreed that CPs should be extended to opposite sex couples but 2 of them felt the government should be given more time to sort it out. So they're optimistic that they will be successful next year and I hope they are

@The Ducks @Lotta I would've loved to hold out for a Civil Partnership but sadly I'm in my mid 30s and I don't think my Ovaries could wait much longer! Really admire the couple who are going to such lengths to attempt to change the law, they have been doing this for what 4 years now?? I think its time an alternative to marriage was implemented to reflect those of us who want the legal and financial benefits of marriage but believe "partnership" is the way to go!

Sparks and Lotta - following the civil partnership debate too! It's what me and dp would prefer to do, we've no interest in a traditional marriage. We have dc who has a version of both our surnames merged together. I still have mine and dp still has his surname, but we're toying with changing them to.dc's name (although do like the fact she has her own unique name, like she's a part of both of us but very much her own person iyswim). I do find it strange how the traditions of marriage continue, especially with how many women give up their names. Whatever happens with me and dp in future (and whether we'll be able to have a civil partnership one day) I'll always be a Ms, not Mrs.

Polarbearpaddle This is how I feel too, about traditions and history, obviously as a feminist I want societal change but that doesn't mean we have to abandon all cultural traditions and sever our links to the past. We even got married in an ancient church that's been around since at least 1200s, I just loved the feeling that we were participating in an ancient rite on the same spot that hundreds of people have done over the centuries. I did not feel "disempowered" by wearing a gorgeous dress, promising to love and cherish eachother, or adopting the same surname as my spouse.

My biggest problem with the wedding industry is how it encourages vast spending.

The mark ups can be huge, the relentless pushing of add-ons etc.

And yet the range of 'acceptable' options is quite small. I find weddings are quite homogenous (and therefore unmemorable) which is rather sad, given the expense and palaver that has gone in to it.

My wedding was quite trad, btw, but was small and fuss-free compared to today's industry model.

Maybe the tide is turning?

Hopefully Bluerose27. I don't know any girls my age who'd ever consider changing their surnames if they marry - something I've discussed with plenty of them