Depressed at weddings - AIBU?

Florence, its looking likely that civil partnerships will be a possibility in the next few years for opposite sex couples. There are a few comments up thread about the case that is going to the Supreme Court next year. The two tier system, where SS couples can choose marriage or CP (or neither!) but OS couples are restricted to marriage, cannot continue. There's a chance that the government may decide to scrap CPs altogether, but that would be ridiculously unfair for the couples who chose, and continue to choose, CP over marriage. So fingers crossed for good news next year!

Not started planning the wedding to DP yet. We're both feminists and both divorced so it would probably be me, him, the kids and our parents at the registry office - no white dress, we'd walk down the isle together. A nice meal out somewhere after with no speeches, then straight to the airport for a week of skiing and partying, just the two of us. Hassle free, cheap and none of the patriachry stuff.

Completely agree, OP. And hear hear to the comments above from deadringer and Lottapianos. I do plenty of things that I know are influenced by the patriarchal society we live in, but I don't try to pass them off as feminist.

Every now and then I reexamine my reasons for not wanting to get married (dp and I have been together for 25 years and have two kids), and I increasingly come to the conclusion that I just can't really be arsed . I'd want to change just about everything about a traditional wedding, and I'm just not bothered enough to spend the time thinking about it. We've always earned similar amounts and have made wills, so I'm not particularly worried about the financial or legal aspects of not being married. We'd probably consider a civil partnership if that was possible, though, just to make things as straightforward as possible.

'i mean people ultimately can do what they want but they should realise that they are not making these choices as freely as they think they are. I just don't understand why a woman would wait for a man to decide that they should marry, let him choose a ring that she expects to wear for the rest of her life, and then take his identity. Its hard to believe its 2017 sometimes.'

applauds

I'm a feminist who wears make up every day and removes a lot of my body hair. I don't pretend that those 'choices' aren't hugely influenced by living in a society that tells women that how we look is more important than what we say. Its no coincidence that I feel more confident and sexy when I am wearing make up and have freshly waxed legs. Own your choices, people, and don't pretend that you're making them in a vacuum. And seriously, lets all move away from waiting around for rings and proposals. If you wouldn't be happy to wait around for him to 'propose' where you go on your next holiday, or 'propose' which colour you should paint the kitchen, then don't wait around for him to 'propose' how you live the rest of your lives together.

I got married a loooong time ago. My mother walked me down the aisle and made a speech. I did wear a white dress but I didn't change my name. I didn't wait around for a 'romantic' proposal, we both decided to get married, i picked my own ring and we paid for our wedding ourselves. I didn't make a speech and wouldn't if i had the opportunity to do it all again. There is so much bullshit around romantic proposals and magical wedding days, i mean people ultimately can do what they want but they should realise that they are not making these choices as freely as they think they are. I just don't understand why a woman would wait for a man to decide that they should marry, let him choose a ring that she expects to wear for the rest of her life, and then take his identity. Its hard to believe its 2017 sometimes.

Plus we stayed our house together the night before shock horror! Although I did get ready at my dad's but that was mainly to get peace from the kids

I got married 3 weeks ago. Our children walked with me down the aisle, my dress was multicoloured, I gave a speech after my DH and I haven't changed my name.

I didn't do all these things to make a point. It was just what I wanted to do. No huge thought was put into it.

I was married before and it went the exact the way you mentioned in your OP.

The difference now? I'm older and wiser. Plus I've been on MN for 6+ years

An acquaintance of mine got married at the weekend. Within 24 hours she'd changed her name on FB. She had the big white dress and her dad walked her down the aisle. I'm quite judgy of that and sad. I try not to be, it's their life, but I'm always like really?!

At our reception I was greeted by a man who works with DH, the first thing he said was congratulations Mrs DHSurname. DH and I both said at the same time oh no, I'm/she's not Mrs... He looked awkward and never said anything. SO many people have been astonished. Then it's ALWAYS followed with but what's does DH think about that??

It's quite tedious and disheartening really.

I don't shout my opinions from the roof top but I really want to drum it into people!! I find it easier to talk to men about it tbh, I've found most women glaze over and nod in the right places.

At our wedding my husband and I walked down the isle together after getting dressed together in the morning (not a church wedding), I wore blue and grey.

The reception was a bbq for 70 in my parents back garden. Neither my husband or I made a speech (I didn't want to) but he thanked everyone for coming.

Instead his mum made a speech and my brother read my dad's (my dad had done it without me asking and we specific said we didn't want speeches, and I was a bit miffed, but whatever - it was a really sexist speech lol!)

I never changed my name.

We got wasted in the garden. Put on a youtube playlist, and danced in the dining room.

Everyone said they had a great time, it was really relaxing, we had loads to eat and drink, it didn't cost much, it was all very equal (which was the message we wanted to get across).

Balls to traditional weddings. They are rubbish.

Weird, traditional, minimalist or OTT weddings and handfastings don't bother me in the slightest; I've been to dozens of different celebrations of friends joining together for life and the one thing they all had in common was the sheer joy of it all.
What depresses me is the number of women that choose to stay in shit relationships, that enable a partner who selects what he will participate in and how little he will do. Intelligent, feminist women who lose themselves.
Odd to work in a job where you have so little respect for the choices your customers make, unprincipled.

You have some good points OP but I think it comes down to this - for whatever reason humans seem to get satisfaction taking part in the traditions of their culture. Almost every culture worldwide and throughout history has had some type of partnership/marriage tradition, and this is ours.

Also there is something silly about people boasting about how unconventional and feminist they are because they did something "crazy" like walk the aisle by themselves or wear a red dress instead of white. It's just a short walk and some fabric, it's hardly crazy. I didn't change my name or ever consider doing so, but I can't boast about it.

It was a figure of speech ...

Precisely.

I still think it would be incredibly old fashioned to put Mrs (or Mr for that matter) or (nee X) - surely the people who use those sorts of titles are rather proud of the fact that they are a wife .

They might - inadvertently - by using "Mrs" or "nee Previousname". I've seen both many times.

Surely no one puts their 'marital status' on a CV anymore ?

I don't want 'wife' on my CV. Case closed.

I agree with posters who've said that the type of bride who wants the 12 hour marathon with all the trimmings in a big hotel, is the type of person who will do everything else in a traditional way too. Not always, but often.

However, this doesn't reflect on the bride's role within the marriage, later. My friends are very much the equals of their husbands and some of them had weddings such as you describe.

We atewloping in January - just the two of us (unlike "elopements with people" - I don't even...). I'm wearing a silver/grey beaded Art Deco dress and he will be in either blue or brown tweed. I have bright red hair and tattoos. We have cake because hello, cake, and a fish and chip supper. We are spending 90% of our money on our honeymoon.

I'm changing my name to his because I have detested mine since I was tiny and his is rather nice. Plus, I don't much care for my father and his side of the family.

I had a traditional, if slightly unconventional wedding, and if I'm honest I find it massively patronising when people shit on it 'because feminism'. We were married in church. My mother gave me away because my father died 3 years previously. I made a speech at the reception. I changed my name, and we were announced as Mr & Mrs X. I do not feel like I am my husband's property, or that being given away at the church was like selling a cow, or that any part of my being married denotes ownership of any kind, I don't feel oppressed, repressed or depressed.

Stop telling women how they should act. That's the least feminist thing, ever.

Haven't RTFT but wanted to reply. Of all the things you mention, I only had a white dress (ivory really, and just below the knee, nothing too formal). No veil and definitely no stationery! DH and I walked down the non-existent aisle together, I kept my name, and both I and I my (female) best friend gave speeches. Not Mrs either! It rocks! Except for the fact my name is a PITA to spell and DH's would be much easier but hey ho

Our wedding was very equal, like our marriage.

I walked up the aisle between both my parents and out with my new husband (I like the symbolism of moving from my "old" family to making a new one; I wouldn't have accepted being handed by my father to my husband -yuk).

We both gave short thank you speeches.

There was no laddish best man or decorative bridesmaids.

There were no gendered favours (in fact, no favours at all).

I didn't change my name; our daughter has both our names.

There is no reason to have a sexist wedding if you don't want one. Bizarrely, lots of women seem to.

What I find depressing, is criticising other people's choices because they don't match your perspective. Making out people are just following things "without questioning" you are implyong people are like mindless sheep- that they're not doing it the. "Right way". It's one of the happiest days of someone's life and I feel the ops comments sneer at people for choosing a traditional wedding as though they are lesser people. Why do people have to sap the joy out of everything by constant moaning about everything possible. Everyone should do what makes them happy on their wedding day.

Newt, if DP and I ever got married, that's how I would like to do it. Two witnesses, a wonderful meal for the two of us and a night in a fabulous hotel. Tell almost no one and carry on with life

there is a feminist solution to getting married (for the financial protection etc) which is to do it VERY quietly , change nothing afterwards and tell few p eople.
As for the OP I too would feel very depressed working inthat industry and I think the only solution is to get out. There may be a market for non traditional/humanist wedding planners but I guess it would be small, and dispersed. Also people like that are more likely to want to do things for themselves.