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Original poster

Life choices

91 replies

Aryo · 16/08/2017 11:36

Hi, my name is Oliver. I have been recently in a debate with my mother about a big life choice I am about the make. I want to be a father at some point and I have read a lot of literature in the last few months about women's problems and why they would not have babies. So I am in the third year of my PhD in a rather famous NY university and my idea is that I should deliberately quit and go for something that I can give up at some point to become a stay at home father. The thought behind that is, that since woman don't won't to be forced out of their job because of a baby, because it is the logical decision for the parent with the lower income to drop out and look after the kids, I should deliberately try to be that one, in order to be more attractive as a potential father. I currently do have a girlfriend, so that is not the issue, and I had never problems finding a mate, but I cannot find any girl that would even entertain the idea of having a family.

Am I betting on the right horse here or is my mother right and I am destroying my future?

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Original poster
Aryo · 16/08/2017 12:41

Thenorthbloodywellremembers

Good idea!

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Original poster
Aryo · 16/08/2017 12:40

No, that is not it. She would definitely feel, that she needs to quit her job if I earn more and I don't want to force her to quit her job by out earning her. I would also be willing to do the traditional male role, but I can't bear to force that upon her. If we are comparable we can decide by who loves their job more and who has a greater desire to be a stay at home parent.

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deydododatdodontdeydo · 16/08/2017 12:38

Thinking about it, some time back someone here was bemoaning the fact that men on online dating profiles don't specify how they're going to look after or bring up their children, and about how it would be so much more attractive if they talked about what great parents they'd be, so maybe Aryo is thinking along those lines.

Thenorthbloodywellremembers · 16/08/2017 12:38

Try to find a career that will enable you to work flexibly, and to take on earning responsibility for your family if required. If you have children, unexpected things in life may mean you have to support them on your wage only, for lots of reasons. I would also urge you to look for a partner with similar earning potential to you, so that as a family you have options.

Datun · 16/08/2017 12:36

Is her earning potential quite low? Do you feel that your desire to be a stay at home dad is hampered by the fact that you will out earn her? And that to address this, you have to reduce your own earning potential, to create a more level playing field?

Because firstly, that's a bit sneaky. And secondly it's not an issue that has even been discussed.

TheEgregiousPeach · 16/08/2017 12:34

Perhaps tell your girlfriend the reasoning behind quitting?

Original poster
Aryo · 16/08/2017 12:34

software developement

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SophoclesTheFox · 16/08/2017 12:33

aryo, saying to women "Because I'm such a great feminist, I want to give up my PHD and impregnate you so I can devote myself to raising a child to assuage my desperate fear of being alone and childless at 40, how about it?" is not a chick magnet, dude. That's why it's not working.

Finish your PHD, keep dating, stop panicking.

Datun · 16/08/2017 12:32

What job does your girlfriend do, OP?

Original poster
Aryo · 16/08/2017 12:29

My girlfriend just found a nice job a year ago. I have talked about quitting my PhD. with her, but did not give her my reasoning. She is so happy she found that job. I want to do the right thing for both of us

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SophoclesTheFox · 16/08/2017 12:28

I don't want to be 40 one day childless and alone

Some of the best people I know are exactly this (though I'd say "childfree and single" as being a bit less dismissive). It actually has much to recommend it, and it's in no way indicative of failing at life.

Anyway, I don't think you've identified a good strategy. It's liable to creep women out rather than reassure them. Back to the drawing board!

Original poster
Aryo · 16/08/2017 12:26

I had many long term relationships, but I never met a girl, who would entertain the thought of having a family one day. What is the reason then? I was independent since my 19th birthday, always hard working. Always dated students of my own age plus minus 3 years, was always responsible and never had any big problems

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Theducksarenotmyfriends · 16/08/2017 12:25

What does your girlfriend think and is this someone you want to have kids with? I'd find it a bit bizarre to be honest that someone would give up a phd when they're so close to completing it based on some future hypothetical situation/woman. I wouldn't find it an attractive quality, especially for the reasons you've stated....

It's perfectly possible for both partners to continue with a career after having kids you know. I'd say it's essential in the USA due to costs of college (and health care, and everything else!). Kids don't stay little forever and you'd want them to have these opportunities right?

SpaghettiAndMeatballs · 16/08/2017 12:24

I just don't want to be unattractive for a possible future wife. That's it and I feel that this is something women are looking for

They're looking for someone to be an equal partner raising kids for sure, but in no way does giving up your PhD when there is no child, and no girlfriend facilitate that.

You can always give up your job later (just like a woman might)

Datun · 16/08/2017 12:22

You've come this far. Complete, then decide.

Original poster
Aryo · 16/08/2017 12:22

I wasn't planning an academic career. I am doing mathematical analysis on biological data and planned on doing something in tech, since I learned a lot about machine learning and neural networks in my studies.

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Original poster
Aryo · 16/08/2017 12:20

I wasn't planning an academic career. I am doing mathematical analysis on biological data and planned on doing something in tech, since I learned a lot about machine learning and neural networks in my studies.

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Datun · 16/08/2017 12:19

Aryo

Deliberately reducing your chances to higher education and earning potential for a hypothetical situation, is not something generally thought to be attractive.

There is absolutely nothing stopping you working at a local school, where your degree isn't needed.

A man who has high qualifications, but then chooses to work in a specific environment in order to raise a family is great.

A man who deliberately hampers himself because he feels women can't make decisions, unless they are based on money, is not great.

Original poster
Aryo · 16/08/2017 12:18

Thank you, guys! I will give it some more thought :)

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Original poster
Aryo · 16/08/2017 12:16

The reason is that I will soon be 30yo and I don't want to be 40 one day childless and alone

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Original poster
Aryo · 16/08/2017 12:13

Don't worry, I can take care of myself. I would just start a teaching job at the highschool in my home town. I am more than able to do that with my masters degree.

I just don't want to be unattractive for a possible future wife. That's it and I feel that this is something women are looking for

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TheEgregiousPeach · 16/08/2017 12:12

If you're planning a career as an academic in the US are you sure you'll out earn your future mate? Tenures are short term and hard to get...

KatharinaRosalie · 16/08/2017 12:10

Why is it sexist to assume that I will outearn a lot of women with a PhD from a very good university? - you can always date those women you don't outearn?

Kids are expensive. Marriages don't last forever. Many parents do not give up their careers permanently, just take a shorter or longer break. It's always good to consider if your career allows breaks to raise a family, but your first reaction of dropping out of school seems somewhat interesting.

Datun · 16/08/2017 12:05

Ayro

In the unlikely event you're genuine. The best thing to do would be to complete your education and get a well-paid job.

There is absolutely nothing to stop you being a stay at home parent.

You are making an assumption that firstly, you will be the highest paid of the two of you, and secondly that both of you all be so in thrall to your salary, that it's impossible to make a non mercenary decision.

I think your mother thinks you are better than that.

TheEgregiousPeach · 16/08/2017 12:05

Finish the damn PhD and discuss career breaks and childcare when it happens, like adults do.

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