Life choices

What I meant is that women want to have a career, and child bearing forces them out of it

It doesn't, you know. I have an Oxford doctorate and am married to someone else with an Oxford doctorate, and having a child hasn't changed our working lives. It's not compulsory for anyone, regardless of sex, qualifications or salary, to become a SAHP.

OP. Just talk to your girlfriend, and gently introduce the subject of your future together. See what she says.

Then come back and report.

it's your perceptions that are nonsense. I've got a PhD and a high paying career and have children (and happen to be a woman). It's perfectly possible. My partner also works (I earn more). You don't need to have a stay at home parent, or can take it in turns at various points in your career. Incidentally, a career as a research scientist, if that's where you're heading, is quite a good option with a family as the housrs can be flexible and most hospitals and labs have on site childcare (in the UK anyway)

The reason you can't find anyone to follow this bonkers plan is because, presumably, you are quite young and so are the women. Not ready to have children get as opposed to not wanting to do it full stop.

my advice is finish your PhD, get a well paid job, grow up a bit and then try to meet a woman with equal earning power so you can have a nice life together and pay for childcare so you can both work, if you want to.

This. IMO being childfree & single in my early 40s is total heaven.

It sounds great to me. By that age I hope to be thriving in my career and enjoying regular trips to the pub

I don't want to be 40 one day childless and alone

Some of the best people I know are exactly this (though I'd say "childfree and single" as being a bit less dismissive). It actually has much to recommend it, and it's in no way indicative of failing at life.

This. IMO being childfree & single in my early 40s is total heaven.

Aryo

Oh, sorry, I was under the impression you lived in the US.

I think you should absolutely go for it. Follow your dreams.

I'd only consider having children if the father was going to be the primary caregiver (though I probably won't anyway). If the OP is genuine then there are aspects of him I quite like. However, it'd probably best if everyone at that stage pursued their education as far as they could/were motivated to do so they had all options open to them.

Today 12:51 Aryo

No, that's not it! What I meant is that women want to have a career, and child bearing forces them out of it. So the solution is for men who want to be fathers to earn less or equal than their wifes so there is no force on anyone

But you're not addressing the problem. You're accommodating it in the most extreme way possible.

For your own ends.

It's not a feminist decision, either way.

But it is a decision. Own it. You don't have to force your future wife to give up work because you are earning more money. You just don't.

At worst, you will be in the same situation you are now in reducing your earning potential.

Take the maximum paternity leave, let her take the maximum maternity leave. Think about working in a school, as you get the same time off as the children.

Or take a career break for five years, and then go back to work. Be poor for those five years, then make it up as best you can.

No, that's not it! What I meant is that women want to have a career, and child bearing forces them out of it. So the solution is for men who want to be fathers to earn less or equal than their wifes so there is no force on anyone

The one doesn't follow the other. Child bearing doesn't force women out of a career - societal pressure or a woman's personal choice does that.

Earning power is given as an excuse - but it's an excuse for society, a society that under pays women, and seems to think that earning power is what matters most, or down at brass tacks, for a couple who simply can't afford to have the higher paid out of work.

The solution is to take this earning power out of the equation - by both working, by both earning enough that the choice is freely made, by increasing the earning of women - any or all of these, not by forcing the issue by making yourself unemployable.

Jeez, to me you would be incredibly unattractive and you are seriously overthinking this.

Some women, shock horror, actually want to be the main carer for their children. I do, I don't have kids yet but I am extremely lucky that DP will be able to support us all when we do have children.

What if the woman of your dreams has plans of a sabbatical if/when she has children, or of a career break?

If we are comparable we can decide by who loves their job more and who has a greater desire to be a stay at home parent.

And when the kids go to school, university, or leave home, and you are saddled with a debt of tens of thousands of dollars, she will wonder why the hell you didn't complete your education in order to have the opportunity to earn some money.

Today 12:40 Aryo

No, that is not it. She would definitely feel, that she needs to quit her job if I earn more and I don't want to force her to quit her job by out earning her. I would also be willing to do the traditional male role, but I can't bear to force that upon her. If we are comparable we can decide by who loves their job more and who has a greater desire to be a stay at home parent.

The adult thing would be to talk about it, and decide, despite any disparity in salary. Money really isn't everything.

You are seeing money as the fly in the ointment and being unable to make decisions outside of it.

And although I understand why this is, might I suggest that you have a completely open and candid conversation about what's important and why. And reach an agreement that money is viewed as only part of the conundrum, not the basis on which everything rests.

My idea is certainly based on what I perceive is the wish of many women

Yeah, nice try.

You're trying to prove some dumbass point that women consciously 'choose' to be lower earners.

We're not thick, you know.

Plenty of women with PhDs stay at home with children, so where's the problem with getting as good a job as you can? There's no job you cannot quit once you do have a girlfriend who would consider having children with you. (Except perhaps the military, I don't know how forceful they are about keeping you nowadays)

I agree, I don't think it's at all wrong of him to want to be a stay at home dad. Very refreshing, in fact.

It's the way he's going about it.

Citing loneliness as the reason, deliberately scuppering his chances of being the possible breadwinner and, reading between the lines, being rather self-centred about the whole thing. Then wondering why it's not working.

Thirdly, I'm a software developer, without children at 30, but with 2 now, and always earned about the same as DP.

The only reason I don't now is that he's had a bit of luck, and I work for a startup (so hope for some luck in the future).

If you can't get funding for future research, or your area has a downturn, it could easily be that she'll be outearning you without you dropping your PhD (or vice versa - I have a degree (just a first degree, no masters even) and DP has 3 Ds at A-Level, so educational level is only a contributing factor to earning capacity, not a determining one.