What's wrong with being a SAHM?

The girls at my school would enrage some of you with our un-ladylike desire for careers and ambitions.

Again I have no idea why you're posting that at me SaintFrancis. The post I was replying to was relevant to what I posted. Women have historically been expected to stay at home and still face significant barriers at work, not least as mothers.

I'm not saying you are noloveofmine. I'm just saying that having a great career is not the usual experience of a WOHM, and feminist campaigns bear that out.

I'm not meaning to be confrontational, or suggest you're saying things you aren't.

Or WideHorizon maybe there are lots of mothers who want to work just like lots of fathers do

'I have so much admiration for the women who fought to do so, for women's right to work and rights in the workplace and continue to fight sexism and women being held back in the workplace today.'

Well yes, but I also admire all the women who fought for other women to be able to stay at home and care for their own children. All those forced adoptions from unmarried mothers, shippings kids to Liverpool, taking poor women's children away, workhouses. Feminism fought that.

I can't see where I'm arguing against the living wage but alright

There are a lot of women (not all) who deep down would have liked to have stayed at home to care for their DCs full time.

For one reason or another, circumstances prevented them from doing so and they seek to justify the choices they made by extolling the virtues of WOH. Unfortunately this leads to the implied criticism of SAH to which you refer.

In this number are a few who could financially have afforded to SAH and originally wanted to, but it turned out that they weren't suited to SAHP so chose to go back to work. These are the worst offenders with the passive-aggressive comments I find.

I will say though, it is a very foolish woman who gives up work when unmarried and/or without a clear plan of what they would do if the worst were to happen to their marriage.

It's not a free choice (shown by how many more women than men do it) and is far simpler a process for women to change their surnames upon marriage. Women are also often pressured to do so and assumed to have even when they haven't, or questioned for not doing so. It's ridiculously sexist, as is the notion a woman's surname is her father's yet a man's is his as you believe.

'Anyway I barely know anyone whose mothers don't work, and all have excellent careers as well.'

But your experience is not the norm. The majority of people whose situation would be improved by the living wage are women.

Because I was born with my father's surname. The buck has to stop somewhere. Why should women be the ones to change? Why shouldn't men?

Men can change their names. The important thing is choice. Changing my name was my choice. Keeping your name might be your choice. Both can be feminist choices.

So why do men barely ever change their surnames upon marriage? Why are men's surnames theirs not their father's?

Op might not come back but this thread needs saving and showing to girls everywhere!

My surname is mine. It always will be.

So is mine. I chose to change it when I was married. I had no choice concerning the one I was given at birth.

Why is having my father's surname, rather than my husband's seen, particularly, as a feminist choice by some

Because I was born with my father's surname. The buck has to stop somewhere. Why should women be the ones to change? Why shouldn't men?

So much defensiveness here!

The point of feminism is to warn and advise, but also to advocate for what we want in a better world.

I don't see many women in senior positions are likely to help SAHMs. It will have to be done through pressure on the government.

But in a nutshell, currently being a SAHM will increase your risk of poverty, and going out to work will reduce the time you have to build relationships and care for others.

Pointing them out isn't some kind of judgement or criticism.

However the OP asked,

What do feminists think is so wrong with this? And why do people make me feel weird about this?

And she got warnings of the risks of being a SAHP, why the idea might not be a good one and presumably from feminists with a feminist perspective. Since that was what was asked.

This is why pointing out mainly risks, from a supposed feminist perspective, can feel like a criticism. It suggests being a female SAHP is damaging somehow to the feminist cause. It alienates female SAHPs from feminism. A more balanced response pointing out advantages as well as risks would feel less critical.

Anyway I barely know anyone whose mothers don't work, and all have excellent careers as well. This shouldn't be the preserve of fathers (in terms of parents) nor do fathers' careers matter more than those of mothers.

After all, if being a 1950s housewife was so fucking great, men would do it and women wouldn't have had to struggle and sacrifice to get out of the domestic sphere.

Quite. I have so much admiration for the women who fought to do so, for women's right to work and rights in the workplace and continue to fight sexism and women being held back in the workplace today.

saint
The thing is that getting that kind of change takes time and probably requires more women to be in senior positions within companies for it to be raised as a real issue.

I'd love for having a career break to raise a family not to affect career prospects, but right now it does and if we are giving advice then it has to be based on how the world is currently, not what we'd like it to be in a better world.

Why is having my father's surname, rather than my husband's seen, particularly, as a feminist choice by some?

This is a completely different issue, but why is it your father's surname but your husband's surname is his? No-one says men have "their father's surname". My surname is mine. It always will be. That it's still nearly always women who change their surnames (though far more women keep theirs now) is entirely sexist. If I get married, my hypothetical future husband would be taking my surname.

now the thought of doing any paid employment fills me with dread
Sorry to pick out one poster, but this statement rang alarm bells and is one of the concerns about women stepping out of the workplace for long periods. It leaves them not just financially, by psychologically vulnerable as the world of work becomes a scary and alien prospect. This does leave women incredibly vulnerable to putting up with all sorts of crap, because the alternative seems too scary and distant to contemplate. It also means they believe all kinds of rubbish about how essential their men's work is and the long hours they have to do etc etc. which are basically an excuse to get out of any domestic responsibility.

After all, if being a 1950s housewife was so fucking great, men would do it and women wouldn't have had to struggle and sacrifice to get out of the domestic sphere.

NoLove any stereotype, whether a traditional, opposite or even anti stereotype limits choice. The only way to obliterate stereotypes would be to completely disregard them in your decisions, having no thought and making no reference to current or previous ones.

Yes, Screw.

I always get irritated by the argument that we should attempt to convince women not to go part time or give up work when their kids are young, because if they do their careers will be destroyed.

I would rather we accepted that many women really want to do this, improve conditions, pay and options for part time workers and have more opportunities and less discrimination against women entering the workplace in later life.

If many of us are expected to work until 70, it's ridiculous to say to women at 40 that any chance of a decent job is a pipe dream just because you did something else for 5, 10 or 15 years.

I have been a SAHM, and I've changed my name on marriage. I am fully aware that neither of those are feminist choices, and I don't feel the need to be defensive about that. I can also separate my individual choices from women's as a class.

Why is having my father's surname, rather than my husband's seen, particularly, as a feminist choice by some? I changed my name and was happy about it, as an individual and feminist, because I rather liked my DH's surname. I would be no more feminist if I chose my mother's maiden name either. She had no particular attachment to her father's name either. The only truly equal choice would be to come up with a new name - but than family names get lost.

@bluntness has summed up the good advice very well.

The op asked for the negatives. She didn't ask what was positive. Nearly every single response said there is nothing wrong with it, but pointed out the risks. In turn we have a number of stay at home parents being defensive and angry. The risks are real, they are not judgements, they are simply warnings. We even see it on here regularly.

If it works for you, as it does for many, then don't be angry or defensive. It's not a judgement. She asked and people responded with honest answers of the risks involved and those risks are very real

There are risks. Pointing them out isn't some kind of judgement or criticism. The OP did not ask for a SAHM vs working parent bun fight.