What's wrong with being a SAHM?

There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM, if you can afford to do so, can protect yourself financially and are happy to take the career hit.

Unfortunately, a lot of SAHM are extremely naive about their financial security and, as a result, that of their children. To me that's just irresponsible. A couple of weeks ago there was a thread on here where a SAHM said basically that she trusted her DH completely and knew they'd be together until they were old. That's ridiculously naive. Nobody gets married and has dc with the idea they're going to be a struggling lone parent in the next few years.

Juxtapose that thread with threads in Lone Parents and Relationships, and you'll realise that women and children often pay a very heavy price when relationships breakdown. Many lose their home, many get no maintenance for years. There seems to be this 'head in the sand' attitude that 'it won't happen to me'.

You should do what you feel is right for you and your family. I completely agree that feminism is about having choices. But please go into it with your eyes wide open, for your children's sake.

Or your sentiments stand in the way of the point you so clearly wanted to make, more to the point.

I mean it's not a free choice given cultural expectations and pressure on women, I don't mean every single individual case. My mum changed her surname when she married my dad, she's still a fantastic role model to me but I still won't see it as a free choice because men don't change their surnames in the same numbers.

Or WideHorizon maybe there are lots of mothers who want to work just like lots of fathers do

Indeed, which is why I specifically said some (not all)

...but don't let what I actually wrote stand in the way of the point you wish to make, eh?

I know Spartacus, I meant that as a frivolous comment in response to yours!

It's not reflective of free choice in the context it's made in either.

I feel the choice was free for me, NoLove. I knew the context.

Am I deluded in this? Can I never make a free choice in an unequal society? If I go against the gender stereotype, but if in the process that denies what I personally want to choose, would that be more free? No. If I conform to the gender stereotype does that mean I have been oppressed and am incapable of making a free choice?

What hope is there then?

Sorry NoLove - I wasn't actually replying to you - I was replying to Polar Bear and St Francis but in the short time it took me to post there were many other replies, so this is how it appeared.

Spartacus this is battering my phone battery and I've had to shelter from the rain in a shopping centre to post, I think I should brave it now and get wet.

It's obviously not reflective of how feminist they are. It's not reflective of free choice in the context it's made in either.

Which absolutely no-one is doing 

So you agree with what I said, NoLove? That is you think it is right not to judge someone's name choice as reflective of how feminist they are?

Good.

people type so fast! My response was to polar bear.

Nope nothing wrong with being a SAHM. It's the best job in the world and for me as a feminist is absolutely about having the right to choose what I do with my life. It is without doubt the most important job I will ever do. It is wonderful, fulfilling, liberating, fun and gives me the greatest sense of being.

Career, money and the trappings that go with those do not interest me at all.
I have no interest in climbing career ladders and have never needed to reach for the stars. My DH and my kids are all I need.

MN has massively opened my eyes as to why being a SAHM would be risky
Same. I still have my 'you choose' philosophy but am very much be aware of the risks first now.

^ See, I didn't. Well, I'm not married, but I have by birth name. I've bucked the system in so many ways and I have actually felt the effects of not making the default choice. There is judging. Sometimes assumptions are made re me making the default choice. I get called Mrs Hislastname and I have to be careful in employment contexts not to mention his job or it will be assumed I am not really serious about mine.

St Francis - I (think) get where you are coming from. I'm the first in my family to have a career. Others had jobs and the key thing here was about survival, not personal fulfilment. The working class position is so often lost in feminist discourse.

My conclusion? Not to someone's judge name choice as reflective of how feminist they are.

Which absolutely no-one is doing

I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

However I read the relationships board and there is a thread at least every other day from a woman who is stuck with an abusive or cheating husband because they have no financial independence.

Occasionally there are threads where the SAHM is scraping together small change to pay for a coffee while the husband earns 5k a month but refuses to share.

MN has massively opened my eyes as to why being a SAHM would be risky.

DH's was shorter, easier to spell and just more bloody convenient - so I took it on marriage

I'm sure many men could say the same about the surname of a woman they marry.

I haven't rtft but it really grates on me when women with careers say they aren't feminists. Without the actions of brave women in the past we wouldn't be working would we? Read some history

It's ridiculously sexist, as is the notion a woman's surname is her father's yet a man's is his as you believe.

My comment was a reference to the source of the name. Not a sexist comment. The surname issue cannot be rectified, completely, ever, with the history we have, unless were to rename our ancestors also. In Canada, IIRC, women cannot automatically change to their husband's surname upon marriage. Which means any children do not have the same name as both parents. Which also can be problematic.

My conclusion? Not to someone's judge name choice as reflective of how feminist they are.

YetAnotherSpartacus indeed. I changed my name on marriage - yes it was my "choice" but it also felt like the default thing to do - unless you want to make a statement of your independence / feminist ideals or whatever, you change your name. Name changing felt like an opt out choice, if you like, rather than opt in. We all know the arguments to make organ donation opt out, namely, it results in higher numbers of people without strong views against it, to just go along with it. Fabulous if you're on the lookout for kidneys - not so great for smashing the patriarchy!

It's not a free choice (shown by how many more women than men do it) and is far simpler a process for women to change their surnames upon marriage

NoLove, the only way to get a purely and proven free choice would be to somehow live in a societal vacuum. We're never going to get that and I wouldn't want one. My choice to change my name upon marriage, to all intense and purposes, was freely chosen. I have made choices which against some pressure from family and my social group (in particular to get a 'little', part time, perhaps evening, job - thanks MiL. For me apparently). So changing my name was as free as any other choice I made.

Men can change their names. The important thing is choice. Changing my name was my choice. Keeping your name might be your choice. Both can be feminist choices

No, the important thing is the social context. It is an accepted social norm that women do change their names and men don't. 'Choice' in this context is a loaded term.

Sorry, noloveofmine, this feels heated and I'm not sure why, so I'll leave it for now.

I am a SAHM and a feminist, insofar as I believe men and women should be paid equally and have equivalent (not necessarily the same) rights and responsibilities in our society.

However, I recognise I am the product of my upbringing and have been socialised as female. That has always informed my choices and opinions and, inescapably, I am a woman. I was a nurse before children - a predominantly female profession, associated with providing care to vulnerable people. It is undervalued partly due to its role in society as "woman's work" IMO. Personally, I do not see why it would have played into a feminist ideology to continue in that environment versus SAH where I wanted to be. Obviously I would have earnt money to pay for childcare, but surely by SAH I have just cut out one step of that transaction?

However, it is very irritating to be told a man is "good" or "heroic" to do the things that women do day in, day out, often unpaid. It was the same in my working life; men were in my experience vastly overrepresented in the top jobs, partly because a male nurse was seen as something "special", memorable (although obviously repeated mat leaves etc for female staff may have played a part.) I do accept that by me taking on the majority of housework and childcare, with DH cast in the role of sidekick, we are perpetuating these norms. I don't know what the answer is.