What's wrong with being a SAHM?

Sorry, OP, do I understand you correctly? You plan to give up work and become financially dependent upon someone who you regard as 'not so great with money'?

You'll have a matriarchy within a patriarchy, then, Rose....(financially speaking).

I do think woman should be the care giver and the man should be the protector and provider. I don't understand what's wrong with that?

Well, as you say yourself:

I would just like to add my dad was a stay at home father and we loved it! He was amazing at it and much better as a parent than my mother was and still is!

What do you expect Spartacus, from someone, so 'obviously damaged by the oppressive patriarchy'? Meaningful comments, when anything I say is invalidated as a result of my oppression?

I think a lot of people are telling you lots of things, Clarity. You don't appear to be listening, though, or really able to engage in meaningful ways with what people are saying ...

some (you) to move beyond the personal to see the bigger picture.

Oh the irony! You, Spartacus are criticising me, openly, overtly and specifically. Are you telling me not to take this personally, as it was meant?

your idea of feminism is completely wrong. Feminism is about having equal opportunities to pursue whatever you want to do. If you want to stay at home and be a homemaker then by all means do so, it is about having the choice and people not assuming that because you are female you must give up your job and be a full time stay at home parent.

And that very comment personalises this debate further. You have singled out people talking about their relevant, genuine lived experience as 'stifling'

No, like others I've got tired of this thread because of the inability of some (you) to move beyond the personal to see the bigger picture.

I love the idea of living like a 1950s housewife

As others have counselled, there may be a vast gap between your ideas and reality. Why do you think there was a big feminist wave in the 1960s if being a 1950s housewife was such fun?

However, of course it is up to you and there is no need to explain your choices to other people or to have to defend them. When you become a mum, everything you do will be wrong anyway, so think of this as early training

I do think woman should be the care giver and the man should be the protector and provider. I don't understand what's wrong with that

For you or for everyone?

And your post is contradictory - if your father did such a good job why do you think that women should be care givers?

... the defensiveness of those in the former category on here right now is becoming almost stifling.

And that very comment personalises this debate further. You have singled out people talking about their relevant, genuine lived experience as 'stifling'.

The OP asked for comments upon her personal preferences. More generalist analysis becomes meaningless without being able to reference personal experiences. This is needed for context. Generalist analysis only gives a sense of scale and number. If we weren't able to reference genuine lived experiences we can become guilty of minimising them and becoming less compassionate.

I think this is become a bit derailed and as I said in my previous post people get defensive and weigh in with their individual circumstances to an extent that feminist analysis becomes impossible for fear of causing offence.

Criticising the expectation that women change their name on marriage should not be taken as a personal slight on women who have done so. I have done so, but it wasn't a feminist choice, it was meekly going with the flow. I am still a feminist, but I can recognise when I have made choices that are a cop out & I can own that without being defensive.

I think the difficulty on Mumsnet is that posters, understandably, personalise this so much, so as with PP they feel they need to justify their individual choices to stay at home/change name etc. Whereas many posters are steoping away from being personal to conduct a larger analysis

Quite. Frankly, the defensiveness of those in the former category on here right now is becoming almost stifling.

Sorry first sentence was quoting NoLove. Bold fail, typo.

NoLove,

No, women being expected to change their surnames and it being nearly always women who do so is clearly sexist and grounded in patriarchy.

My point is, if I as a woman, who considers herself a feminist, who fully acknowledges the patriarchy makes a choice for reasons which do not reference the patriarchy, that choice should be respected as my own.

It is just as oppressive to have every personal choice of mine be invalidated and disrespected, in terms of being feminist, because it, apparently, conforms to gender stereotypes or statistical norms for my sex, as it is to be actually oppressed by the patriarchy. One invalidates my choice, as a person, because I am seen as a woman damaged by oppression, the other invalidates my choice because it actively oppresses women.

Or your sentiments stand in the way of the point you so clearly wanted to make, more to the point

Eh? I made a point, of which you chose to make a Strawman. It's a shame you don't feel confident enough to debate the actual point I made

Well quite.

The notion that the point of feminism is to give women the freedom to do what they like regardless of the impact on other women is ludicrous.

No, women being expected to change their surnames and it being nearly always women who do so is clearly sexist and grounded in patriarchy. Since you're now twisting what I'm saying to make a ridiculous suggestion of what I think as that I see no point discussing further.

I think the difficulty on Mumsnet is that posters, understandably, personalise this so much, so as with PP they feel they need to justify their individual choices to stay at home/change name etc. Whereas many posters are steoping away from being personal to conduct a larger analysis.

I would never judge anyone for the choices they make - how could I? I have been the queen of bad decisions myself. But I do think that saying 'feminism is about choice' is pointlessly glib and it is worthwhile to examine the context of choices. This does not mean criticism of anyone's individual choice, but sadly it reads like that and people get defensive and weigh in with their individual circumstances to an extent that means feminist analysis becomes impossible for fear of causing offence.

Also OP as others have said - bear in mind that your idea of being a SAHM is nice (and was mine too) but may be a little unrealistic. I had this vision of me floating around serenely with a newborn, breastfeeding easily with a spotless house and home cooked meals everyday. What followed was a traumatic birth, failure to BF, baby with dreadful silent reflux and me taking an awfully long time to adjust to being at home, my new identity and generally finding it tough going. DD is 16 months now and my days are a mostly a joy, but the first few months were bloody tough. The house is never spotless (ha!) and although we mostly do have nice home cooked meals now, for a while OH and I tagged teamed who would get to eat a hot dinner which was usually something hastily shoved in the oven while the other soothed the screeching infant!

Just try not to set your expectations too high to begin with!

I haven't rtft so am weighing in cold here but isn't the point of feminism that you can choose? You don't HAVE to stay home and be a housewife you are free to make the choice to work if you want? That's my take on it anyway.

I chose to be a SAHM. OH earns more but he didn't mind either way. I gave up a successful, well paid career to be a mother. Entirely my choice and it's the right one for me. I don't expect to re-enter the workforce when my child/children are at school at the same level because I will be about 5/7 years out of date. It'd be unreasonable in any other circumstance to take that amount of time off and then hop back in to the same job.

I don't think I'm vulnerable or trapped. I own half the house, savings and cars, and if OH and I were to part then we'd sell it, split the savings, have a car each and I'd get a job and put DD in nursery until she started school. Obviously we don't plan for this to happen but I certainly don't consider myself to be at his mercy!

but I still won't see it as a free choice because men don't change their surnames in the same numbers.

So men, in equal numbers, choosing something is what validates it, NoLove?