Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Can anyone explain queer heterosexuality to me?

183 replies

featherland · 08/07/2017 22:40

I have noticed over the last few months / years more and more people I know on Facebook identifying themselves as queer, even though they are in heteronormative relationships.

For example, I went to a friend's wedding. It was very traditional - big white gown, all male speeches etc. she has been with her husband since she was a teenager and never (publicly) been in a relationship with a woman. She describes herself as femme and queer - and often posts photos of herself looking very beautiful and typically 'feminine' (makeup, pretty clothes ..) describing herself as such, with loads of pride emoticons.

I just .. Don't get it? I understand the desire to reject gender norms and heteronormativity. But surely those of us who are straight and in monogamous relationships can't just claim the word queer when we receive (willingly or not) all the social privileges of being straight?

And I can understand wanting to stand in solidarity with LGBTQ people. But don't we need to change heteronormative society rather than muscle in on the spaces created by and for people who are marginalised? Eg I am not married, mainly because I can't reconcile myself with the patriarchal history of marriage. I don't see that doing heteronormative tings and saying that you aren't is really queer? If there is such a thing as queer heterosexuality shouldn't it be about living in non normative ways?

OP posts:
OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 09/07/2017 00:13

I don't know. I've been told I can't be bisexual because I'm married to a man, and that I am now straight.

But I'm not. When DH and I have discussed our celebrity crushes, mine are predominantly female. I'm attracted more to women than I am to men, DH just got lucky and particularly took my fancy Grin I don't think I'm now straight because I'm married to a man (but I do receive passing privilege, I'm not blind to that).

I agree that the definition of "queer" is about as broad as it gets these days and goodness knows what you have to do to not be queer in some people's minds, but I think sometimes calling people out for daft notions of queer can turn into saying that if you're in a man-woman relationship/marriage, you must be straight, which isn't true.

Datun · 09/07/2017 00:06

Queer used to be the old, slightly insulting word for gay men. Then it got reclaimed, but only gay men could use it.

Now it just seems to be an all encompassing word for someone who is open-minded about sex and kinks and and calls their quite ordinary personality, non-binary.

I can't find the link, but a lot of LGBT people are pissed off about it. They want to preserve the boundaries of what LGB means.

HeyRoly · 08/07/2017 23:42

Sounds like she's created her own unique and very wide definition of "queer". In fact, it sounds so inclusive it probably includes all of us Grin

silkpyjamasallday · 08/07/2017 23:39

I second @newtlover it's a desperate attempt to be more 'interesting' and 'alternative' I have no patience for people like this and unfortunately as I am in my early 20s there is a huge proportion of my peers who go along with all this crap. All you can do is ignore it and hope it eventually goes away and the sheeple seize onto the next identity fad.

QueenLaBeefah · 08/07/2017 23:39

Just plain old attention seeking.

VestalVirgin · 08/07/2017 23:37

10 years ago they would have been 'spiritual' and plying you with crystals.

That was harmless against the genderidiocy. Disagreeing with people who believe in the power of healing crystals usually is much less dangerous for your health than disagreeing with genderists.

Let's hope featherland's friend doesn't identify as non-woman in any way, and her partner does not try to appropriate womanhood.

Appropriating "queer" to make themselves interesting is bad enough.

If there is such a thing as queer heterosexuality shouldn't it be about living in non normative ways?

I don't think heterosexual relationships should be described as "queer" at all. Ever. (Except perhaps in a Tolkien novel)

If a woman who works full time lives together with a man who is a stay at home dad to their children, and they aren't married, then that should just be ... normal.
Not labeled different and special.

newtlover · 08/07/2017 23:25

It's about wanting to seem 'special' and 'interesting'
10 years ago they would have been 'spiritual' and plying you with crystals.

DJBaggySmalls · 08/07/2017 23:18

Yeah, I cant support it. Actual lesbians are are having an especially rough time of it lately. Ignoring that and pretending to be queer while you are in fact straight is a flat out insult.