Women managing the household - the 'mental load'

This is a great article. It puts into words what I was trying to say to DH the other day, when all I could come up with was 'I feel like so much more stuff is my responsibility' which he railed against because he feels like he does just as many chores as me, and equally parents our son. Which he does. But he doesn't do any of the other stuff like insurance or finance or sorting the cleaner or childcare for DS or meal planning or laundry or DS's clothes or prescriptions. I'm part time so I don't mind the extra donkey work, but the extra brain power does get tiring

We were going on hols last year and dp wanted to go out to social events/work late the 3 evenings before departure. I said I was disappointed in him and he probably didn't realise how much planning was required. I wrote the list of pre holiday tasks on a list and pinned it to the fridge. There were 29 - I'd done 28 of them - e.g. getting euros, arranging dog sitter, setting timers on lamp security switches, booking taxi, on line check in, ensuring we've car hire details to hand - he did one thing - his packing. He thinks I'm a stressy traveller but the reality is I'm exhausted by the mental burden and my job is actually more demanding than his (I earn more than double). He's been a lot better since 😜

Interesting. I think that in our house we split household chores fairly evenly and DH sorts all the bills etc, but I am by default in charge of anything child-related. I organise all the childcare, including pick-ups and drop-offs, plan and cook meals, shop, buy clothes, change their bedding, support with homework, book medical appointments, organise extra-curricular activities. DH definitely doesn't have to do all the "juggling", which is definitely a mental load.

Maybe an unpopular opinion and I don't want to offend anyone but maybe women are better at managing the mental load? I feel it comes more naturally to us (and for any Christians explains why women were made to be helpers and manage the home).

Also loved this cartoon!!

One thing that helped us a bit was writing down all the home things that need to be done e.g. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, school stuff, health stuff, birthdays (kids/wider), holiday planning, bills/finance, techy stuff, car stuff.

Then we split it up depending preferences / who good at what/minds least. Negot

If one person has more work obligations outside home they take on more but definitely not all.

Then the idea is that the person who takes on that category carries the mental load for it, responsibility to remember etc.

Of course you can decide to share some categories, e.g. School drop offs/pick ups. But one person mainly responsible for knowing e.g. Abt school meetings etc.

This came after many arguments the year I went back to work after dc1 ...and a book I read at the time.

It has definitely helped tho we are still a long way off. E.g. I find important school stuff floating around in the car too late. Still at least it gives us a way of talking about it, helped I think by this cartoon..

I totally agree!! Thanks for sharing

I read the article in the Telegraph and he really didn't get it did he?

I mean even you you change it to the SAHP carries the Mental Load, statistically the majority of SAHP's are female. And wasn't there a recent study that showed when both of a couple work away from the home the female still does more housework, and this increases when children come in to the mix. I believe it was from ONS.

I'm confused. . .

Muster? Judge!

Think this afflicts so many people, it's so ingrained in the patterns of expectation. You end up doing it to yourself as well as having it imposed on you. It's one of the biggest manifestations of internalized misogyny I would say- we muster ourselves and one another so harshly on household management.

About 3 years into marriage, I felt massively mentally overwhelmed. I was contemplating doing a p/t qualification and realised I just didn't have the headspace for it.

The main hurdle I had was explaining to DH that I wasn't asking him to do more tasks, I was asking not to be the task assigner at all. He kept just trying to do more and more things, then burning himself out with that and getting pissed off about it.

It took a lot of effort by us both to get out of it, took two years to break the habits I would say. It also took a lot of streamlining- ditching the stuff that is unnecessary really but you pride yourself on doing.

DH is really a very open minded person, and he wanted to understand what I was trying to communicate and I think it only worked at all because of that. I would hate to be knocking on a closed door with that one.

as well as the point that as usual, feminists did not argue that men do not experience any kind of 'load'. Just that mostly, the mental load experienced by women is disproportionate compared to that of men. But he can't leave it at that can he. Not all men....

Ugh. From the end of the article:

The Mental Load is real and it disproportionately affects women. The burden felt by working men, however, is often just as acute. To suggest otherwise is simply unfair.

Poor working men. He seems to have totally missed the point that most of the women affected will be "working women" AS WELL AS being responsible at home.

not to worry, here's a MAN from the Telegraph to explain it all properly to us www.telegraph.co.uk/men/fatherhood/mental-load-real-feminists-wrong-think-women-feel/

I was very moved by this piece as it spoke so clearly to me about my ridiculous situation (kids, both work FT, I do just about everything). I don't quite know how to broach it though as I think I'll start crying - with exhaustion! I'm keen to see the emotional load one too.

Great cartoon

No out it's not about being a control freak, it's about having to do things so it gets done and doesn't affect others in the house.

I organise everything that needs doing to our house, I speak with tradies, work from home when someone needs to be here and pay them.

Dh says he'll do it but he just doesn't. He wants the loft converted and I'm leaving it to him to organise. 8 months on we are no further than 'I'll call someone to come and take a look'

It's a great article and I've sent it to dh.

I feel the chores are the easy bit, they are factual, in front of you but yes the mental load is the draining one. However I am dammed if I do and dammed if I don't as if I handed over more of the 'planning' jobs they would not be done or drag on for ages so would still be part of my 'list' iyswim. I am organised my Dh is not, I worry he doesn't.

[I arrange our holidays...I'm a control freak and I'd hate anyone else to do it TBH.]
As a general statement (not specifically Khalee) could this be the root of the 'problems'?
Typically women being 'control freaks' and constant criticism of the fact that (typical) men have different approaches to things?

Strange how my (STBXW) reckoned she did 'all the thinking' and yet as I have not been in the house for a few months (I was a SAHP and part time self employed) the house is a disaster area, garden unkept, sink full of dishes, piles of papers all over, various aspects to the house unrepaired.
Different people 'see' different aspects and act accordingly.

Fantastic article. My partner is exactly like this. If he is left in charge of my son he needs to no what to feed him, where everything is etc. God forbid he would think for himself. Everything needs to be organised by me and he rarely does anything without being asked. Even when he does he will do half a job, which I find even more annoying. On the odd occasion he takes it upon himself to clean up he will passive aggressively ask 'where does this go?' about everything of mine in order to draw attention to the fact he is tidying and guilt me for not having done it. Why he can't just put any stuff in a pile and ask at the end is beyond me. Drives me bloody mad! I also work full time in a stressful job (much more stressful than his) and it's getting too much. I may ask him to read that article, not that anything will change.

It's a great comic...I've shared it on FB.

I'm sitting here trying to take stock of how the mental load is divided in our house. DP will do chores without being asked (this morning he did the dishwasher and took out the bins before leaving at 7.30am).

I leave thinking about gifts for his side largely to him.

I sort out the finances, I genuinely don't think this is because I'm female though. It's because he moved in with me so all the direct debits were already set up from my account and I'm the main breadwinner.

I could ask him to sort out the ones that don't come from my account though (cleaner, veg delivery).

I arrange our holidays...I'm a control freak and I'd hate anyone else to do it TBH.

Hmmm...some thought needed.

That being said he often ends up picking up more of the actual chores than me because I'm a bit lazy so perhaps it's a fair balance that I have more mental load.

I love this - I've been trying to explain it for years

I have had conversations with DH about how I manage the household and he just doesn't seem to understand the mental load / work in basically being a (household) project manager. In order for him to do chores, I have to leave him with a list, which may or may not get done depending on his other priorities. Lucky me.

I was raised very much to be the good girl, to do all the housework / ironing etc, DH is adamant that my parents treated me like Cinderella / a slave when I lived at home. I do have one coping mechanism though, which is to feign stupidity / ignorance when it comes to certain things, cooking being one. DH tells me I 'cook like a student' which means he tends to cook more. He cleans like a student, so I think we're even.

Yep overheard a woman in the gym going on about girls these days putting it about behind their husbands backs then crying rape.

The sahm/wohms bugs me so much because most either side don't have a choice(especially world over) & it doesn't make them less of a woman

Often men don't even need to do the work of putting women in their place as women do it all the time anyways.

The beauty of immersion in a patriarchal society and internalized misogyny.

The other day (can't give much detail of the event) I had to listen to a rape victim say "But it's the victims of false accusations I really feel for." It was gross. It felt like she was so close to getting patted on the head for being such a good girl.