Women managing the household - the 'mental load'

Not really. DSSs mum is not the kind of women I'd imagine would tak any mental load. She hasn't any relationship with him.

The things is though someone has to take on the mental load and many men just won't do it. But DC have to be cared for as does your home (finances, holidays, maintainance). Why are females more likely to do it in the first place?

So his ex took the menfal load and now you do!

If I left things up to DH I doubt DSS would have a uniform, school supplies and I'm sure I'm the one who knows the names of his teachers.

School summer stuff is a classic example.

I don't know many men who do stuff for school fairs, organise summer childcare, sort out teachers' gifts and cards, all the crap kids bring home from school, lost uniform. They just turn up at (some) events.

Bollocks.

Datun

I'm not sure we can say that for sure. I think there is a reason things have always been this way and a part of it may be innate.

AfraidOfMyShadow

In my experience men get more self worth from external sources maybe due to their upbringing which would explain why they don't mind managing a company but don't think it worth their time to manage a home.

Well yes, that's male socialisation, and it self perpetuates. It's not innate. It's not an inborn difference between men and women.

Good for you mumble, good for you.

This might have be more appropriate up thread.

Decades ago I was worn out with the mental load. I worked 1-2 days a week, cared for a seriously ill family member, had two children with SEN and a husband who worked hard to bring in the money but the only contribution he made to the home was to pour me a cup of tea from his pot in the mornings.

I organised holidays amongst the vast load.
This particular holiday, we arrived and I'd forgotten to pack some of his clothes (shock horror).
I received a lot of angry ranting. But after this, I used to say, I'm not packing for you anymore. This was met with more ranting and angry words , but I didn't ever pack for him again.

Another time I got cross as he'd only come to the table when he was ready to eat. I always shouted 10 minutes till supper. So my dinners would go cold, we were sat like lemons (with his family) waiting for him. I put his down the waste disposal on this occasion. He was hopping mad, but he did come to the table to eat when called after this day.

Other times I used to take my children camping on my own. It was easier to erect a tent and look after to small children than deal with the disappointment of someone who could have helped but chose not to.

If he came he'd sit and read a paper whilst I organised unloading the car,erecting the tent, setting up a stove, blowing up beds, feeding children, showering children and settling them for the night. His contribution? Oh yes, 'he had driven us '.

I could write pages on this.

For me, this is now a past life. Today my new husband will strip and make a bed without being told, will often put shopping away. Scans the fridge and buys food. Organises all holidays, organises all things relating to transport, mows the lawns, does the bins, organises paying bills, cleans the bath, clears the table, empties dishwasher regularly, irons his shirts if I forget and always organise and post gifts for his family.

I can't believe the difference half a load makes. I've been smiling widely for years.

Datun I agree with that - also want to state I don't agree with enforced gender roles! I just wanted to provide another possible reason why women seem to gravitate to this responsibility.

Also you mention the stereotypical chores women do like organising etc but I thought this thread was more about the mental load - so knowing what needs to be done even if you delegate.

In my experience men get more self worth from external sources maybe due to their upbringing which would explain why they don't mind managing a company but don't think it worth their time to manage a home.

I don't think those who follow traditional gender roles really believe that anymore.

AfraidOfMyShadow

I don't think anyone disputes there may be some differences between male and female brains, as much as there are differences between one female and the next. It's all a mosaic. The problem is using fairly minor differences to impose majorly different roles.

The findings lend support to the view that males may excel at motor skills, while women may be better at integrating analysis and intuitive thinking.

I'm not sure how doing the washing, cooking, ironing and writing Christmas cards is a function of intuition, but not motor skills, when they actually require motor skills!

It also rather begs the question of how a man could possibly run a department, or recruit people, or make it to appointments on time, or set up meetings. When at the same time he can't remember dental appointments, hairdressers, checking homework, or returning school reports.

And presumably the 'head of the household' should be the person who runs it, not the person who merely avails themself of its services

And as the brain is nothing if not immensely pliable, they can't tell whether the brain affects behaviour or behaviour affects the brain.

Currently, scientists can't quantify how much an individual has male- or female-like patterns of brain connectivity. Another lingering question is whether the structural differences result in differences in brain function, or whether differences in function result in structural changes.

The fact that women were deemed too stupid to understand what voting means, to work outside the house, or receive an education severely limited their opportunities for hundreds of years.

The 'a woman's place is in the home' is nothing more than a residue of this thinking.

This becomes crippling as a working lone parent. Now my dc's are junior school age they have more activites and tasks but it's still down to me to deal with it all. All my attempts to get them to take more responsibility fall on deaf ears.

Yes user. Very true.

... a happy relationship when the man contributes perhaps. A lot of women are dealing with men who do very little and actually create more work around the house - extra washing, extra mess.

I often think it'd easier to be a single parent so long as the other partner does take the kids weekly or fortnightly to allow you to catch up and get on with things. The grass is always greener I suppose.

As a single parent there's nobody else to share this load with anyway. Bit of a first world problem for those lucky enough to have a relationship imo

My DH just doesn't care about the way the house looks as much as I do. He has always lived in a tip with periodic (and formerly huffy) mass tidy ups.

(I think this huffiness was a hangover from living in a "perfect" home run by his mother but she didn't pass on the skills. He has the occasional look about and finds himself disappointed due to the unrealistic expectations!)

I wasn't raised to do tidying as we lived in a mess, both parents worked.

If I tidy now, I do it for me. But often we leave it messy.

My burden as I see it is healthy eating, which I do care about and while my DH thanks me for it he then buys sugary junk far too often. Now that gets me going..

I knew a woman who worked full time and had two young children, her husband would be "annoyed and upset" if he came home from a work trip to find the house messy. I truly felt sorry for this woman but she seemed accepting of it! Her mum had been an organised housewife when raising her family. Women like my acquaintance have been sold a pup.

NOT A STEALTH BOAST but I love threads like these because DP genuinely shares the mental load and I should remember.

We're on holiday just now, which he arranged all of because I was studying and he sorted the cat sitters, getting the neighbours to put the bins out etc etc.

I've had the alternative and I couldn't go back. Interestingly my dad was the same and my dm admitted after he died she had no flipping idea what did. But gender roles in our family were very different from the norm.

I must be a pretty crap woman in that case. I struggle with housework, can't do DIY or anything intricate, my organisational skills are rubbish. In fairness, I am dyspraxic so it is natural for me to struggle with all these things but I am trying to learn and improve. DH is better at almost everything than me and, honestly, that cartoon makes me think that I am pretty crap according to both the regressive and progressive side.

Poach it was more of a rhetorical question. I thought it was common knowledge that women's brains were slightly different. I'm not sure if it explains this issue though.

But here is a link:amp.livescience.com/41619-male-female-brains-wired-differently.html

And Jelly I agree

Just sayin'

There is an old Russian and Arabic saying:

The man may be the head of the family but the woman is the neck which turns the head.

Well, if you're saying that there is scientific evidence to support your viewpoint, I really think it's up to you to bring it to the thread, rather than ask for me to go looking for what I think you might be referring to, don't you?

Though, honestly, if you're bringing your evidence for why women working is OK from the bible, and you think your husband is the head of the household, I can't see there is much point in us engaging at all, because our worlds are very, very different.

Pooch
I don't know but isn't there scientific evidence that women think differently to men? I also think that our socialisation plays a huge part of this i.e. The judging Ineverdidmind mentioned.

As for women now finding it harder... we'll that is because we are expected to do and manage do much more. We also expect more equality.

I don't think it is a regressive view. In my opinion it is fine for women to work outside the home like the Proverbs 31 woman - I certainly do 🙂. A family is a team though and it needs a leader - that is where the head comes in.

I don't think women are naturally better at this stuff, I just think when stuff ISN'T done we'we the ones more likely to be blamed, so we've trained ourselves to always be on top if this stuff.
For eg. if my kids don't send thank you cards, I'm the one that gets the snarky text message asking if it got lost in the post.
If my child forgets his sports kit for sports day, the other mothers will tut about me, not DH.
My own mother complains to me about my SIL if my brother forgets to send mum a birthday present. Apparently my SIL should have remembered.

Maybe an unpopular opinion and I don't want to offend anyone but maybe women are better at managing the mental load? I feel it comes more naturally to us (and for any Christians explains why women were made to be helpers and manage the home)

I'm interested in how you think it's "natural". What do you mean by natural - biological? Which gene or female hormone do you think is responsible for the ability to remember when the bedsheets were last changed? What do you make of all the women on this thread and others on similar subjects to whom it does not come "naturally" at all?

I'm not much of a one for being offended, but it's hard not to feel irked by your regressive views of men as the head of the household and women as "helpers". Presumably women are less suited to the rough and tumble of being out in the world earning a living