Women managing the household - the 'mental load'

mimblewimble

That's brilliant. How many women have had the argument with men about why they feel overwhelmed, and the men say things like it's just a haircut appointment, or it's only a bloody form to fill in. And it feels so trivial. Until you really analyse it, all of it.

Men tend to think of the women's workday as being comprised of just the school run, tidying up, and making food.

This thread helped me to put my finger on why I've been feeling so crazy and overwhelmed recently. So thank you!

I decided to write a list of all the recurring household/family tasks I could think of, including organising and remembering things. It was about 4 pages of A4. I emailed it to dh, who was shocked, and saw my point.

We had a very useful conversation, with the outcome that as well as taking responsibility for some additional household tasks, he is now the main contact person for all communication re dcs clubs. This has already noticeably reduced my daily bombardment of emails and I've been much more relaxed on club evenings while he's been bustling about checking what they need to take, filling out permission forms, finding cash to pay for things... The first time I've ever felt that balance of mental load shift, and it is wonderful :)

Afraid I don't know what to do either. I can stop doing any of DH'S laundry & have never done his ironing but if I stop cleaning or buying and cooking food or paying bills the DC suffer. I hate being a sahm in many ways (hate housework, the mental load, all the bills - i do the lot) but love being with the dc & finding a part time job which will use my qualifications / brain is proving hard.

I saysteadyon. It wouldn't, not all women can breastfeed but it doesn't make them any less a woman. I'm sorry if I implied that!

But how does everyone else plan to proceed, after acknowledging they no longer want to bear the mental load?

I've tried just not doing the things I do currently and it just doesn't get done by DH and DSS now suffers too. I got really stressed a couple of weeks ago and just stopped doing some things. But you know what?
I'm the still the one worrying about the finer details. I know DH loves me but he just doesn't think about things the same way.

Men's brains are not different to women's brains.

Yes, there is some evidence fMRI data that shows that more men's brains may react in the same way as each other, and more women's brains may react in a way different to men's, but the same as other women's.

But that's like saying men are taller than women. Yes, on average they are, but if I told you I was thinking of two people, one who was 165cm tall and the other was 167cm tall, how much would you want to bet on the slightly taller one being a man? Maybe a fiver, but not your house. Even though men are taller than women.

As Simone de Beauvoir said, "one is not born a woman; one becomes one." As women, our brains get more practise of doing the "womanly things" we are expected by society to do. And with practise comes a higher level of expertise. So, yes, we perhaps do become good at the household juggling. But we are not born being good at it.

I saysteadyon.

A lot of my friends have said I was mean for not doing his washing or ironing

I'm astounded (well I'm not any longer but still) that people still come out with this nonsense. How can people still claim a woman should be doing all this for a man simply because of her sex? I also fear this sentiment means they do so if they have male partners and feel it's their duty.

ISaySteadyOn you're certainly not a failure in any way.

Do should be dh

It's not innate. I'm in charge of a lot of the mental load due to being a sahm then a wahm for years while do has long looong hours out of the house. I'm totally shit at it. Probably by now any family member receiving a present on time or at all has realised this. One thing I never did though, was manage the major household bills (main earner covers these) or ANY of dps laundry/clothes. He has a study and his side of the bedroom which I do not clean. These are his spaces and his things. A lot of my friends have said I was mean for not doing his washing or ironing but actually I married him when he was an adult and I don't fancy infantilising him or treating him like one of the 3 dc.

Certainly true. I am feeling like a complete failure atm. I suck at the mental load thing, I struggle with housework, I failed to have a career, I am not doing well at this mothering thing atm and can't really see what use I am to anybody except for bfing and cooking for everyone to turn up their noses and go 'eurgh' at. Except for DH who is v kind.

Which is another way in which that kind of talk is damaging, as it has the potential to make women feel they should be good at it (or naturally do it) and tie their worth to it.

Also, if you've never been good at the mental load in the first place, the idea that it is innate can make you feel like a failure as a woman.

But somehow, by then, it's all a little late.

ISaySteadyOn

I hear you. If anything can be construed as innate, breastfeeding is up there. Women are the only ones who can do it.

Toddlerhood and the mental load, not so much.

Datun, I have been that mother and have definitely felt that way except I couldn't lamp anyone with a tiny baby strapped to my chest or when tandem feeding which is difficult and does not always feel nice.

I think there is a reason things have always been this way and a part of it may be innate.

It would be very convenient for men if we all agreed it's just "innate" that women manage the mental load with regards to all the work being described and men just naturally "can't". This is clearly nonsense, though.

If I left things up to DH I doubt DSS would have a uniform, school supplies and I'm sure I'm the one who knows the names of his teachers.

This certainly isn't "innate". He should be taking on responsibility for his child. The idea it's natural he couldn't do any of this is ridiculous in my opinion.

The things is though someone has to take on the mental load and many men just won't do it.

"Just won't do it" is rather different to it being innate that women will do it and they can't. Women are more likely to do it due to socialisation, replicating patterns they've seen from their own parents, messages given to them from childhood that certain work is for women. The cycle thus perpetuates itself.

Or washing- why do you wash clothes for other adults? Presumably before you (general you) he washed his clothes.

I've decided that after taking complete charge of booking our holiday, getting insurance etc, I'm not going to take anything to do with dh's packing. No reminder to buy pants or prompts to check what needs washed etc.

I don't understand how 2 adults can even get into the situation where 1 of them took on the responsibility of buying the other's pants or packing the other's clothes.

*just

AfraidOfMyShadow

I have no doubt about, say, the hormonal rush the women get
after bearing a child. If you're breastfeeding, it stands to reason that nature would give you a hand with being happy about it.

But tell a woman with three children under four that her doing all the mothering is innate and she is likely to crack you one.

Take a look at how many children women had before contraception. Victorian families of 12 or 14 were not unusual. As soon as they had a choice we get down to 2.5.

Take a look at the Nordic model of paternity leave. Studies have shown that when men spend a significant amount of time with their youngsters and babies, the bond lasts a life time and the mental load is far more divided.

It's not innate. It's practice.

Coupled with the fact that we can't force men to do it. We can't just dump our kids on them and stop.

Even leaving them for a weekend involves a massive amount of arranging and organising. And even then, many women are not fully confident that their husbands will do it properly.

If I was 100% sure that my DH knew exactly what to do, how to do it, the routine, what they like, don't like, do all the food, laundry, etc, I wouldn't have hesitated to have gone away for the weekend.

But I wasn't.

And not because he couldn't. He hyst hadn't had the practice.

Particularly since kids started school and I'm the one who takes them and mostly collects them, I've noticed the associated mental load.
MrNC actually takes much of the mental load in certain areas and I do in others, and some things like organising holidays I actually enjoy (and, importantly, he really is happy with what I come up with!)

But there has been the odd argument - once when ds was a baby he complained that he'd done X and Y and Z, and I retorted that I'd done A and B and C - and he was startled and said "but that doesn't count because you like paperwork!" I told him that I liked paperwork in the sense that I much preferred it to scrubbing toilets; it didn't mean I wouldn't prefer not to do it and watch TV instead, so it counted.

It's a fine line between me doing organising stuff because I have the time/capacity/am actually better at it, and me doing it because it's expected.

Mostly we balance reasonably well because MrNC is a decent human being and even if he's too dyslexic to write a letter for something he will ask if I could do it and then remind me it needs doing.

Probably not, I do own a stroppy teen as well.

I feel better for having posted.

He does work very hard and pulls his weight at the weekend but all the crapmin is left to me.

Ah well, c'est la vie.

Trouble this isn't surprising but does it have to make you feel angry?

I have been thinking about this lately.

And this is not a stealth boast it is a statement of fact.

We have a new patio, because I sorted it.

When it transpired that the last bit hadn't been laid correctly I sorted the pea shingle trap.

We have a redesigned garden because I sorted it.

We have a stripey lawn courtesy of the gardener because I sorted it.
Granted DH is too busy to do it, but again I sorted it.

We have new garden furniture, because I sorted it.

We both had new (to us) cars in the last year, because I saved the money. Joint money but it was me that sorted the savings account.

P11D day soon, there will be a tax bill, guess who saved the money.

Small pensions cashed in and the mortgage paid down to under £20k,
guess who drove that.

Holiday this year, who paid the flights on credit card and then chunked away at the balance.

Guess who has the guts of the accommodation bill in a separate savings account.

Guess who arranged the new French doors.

This thread has been an eyeopener.