My DF: "I'm just not good at food shopping"

I'm slightly confused about what aspect he's "not good" at. Some basic pointers might be helpful - eg. keep notebook and pen in kitchen and jot down stuff you need as you run out of it. (Then a memory test game when you forget to take the list to the supermarket although that part isn't essential...).

Datun It might be that focusing on buying food for himself is still a little miserable. Eating together is often a huge part of a marriage.

This might be a daft idea, but in the longer term, if this is the case, might he/you be up for sharing meals once a week or something? So you/DP(?) cook one week, and he cooks the next? Then preparing a meal would be a nicer thing/incentive.

I imagine it is hard to learn a new skill at his age, though that is no excuse for just giving up.

My brother looks after all the bills and I do worry that my SIL, who is no fool, will be a bit lost if he dies before her.

He might be asking for a bit of help in a roundabout way - in which case, give it to him but don't do it for him.
I wouldn't recommend online - it's good for him to get out - and if he's unfamiliar with shopping, the range of products can be overwhelming.
Help him plan out what he wants to eat over the week and then work out what he has to buy to make it and whether he already has some of the ingredients in the house. Maybe he feels he doesn't know what to get when he's in the shop. If he has a list, it's straightforward and if he can't find an item he can ask an attendant. (Ha ha - blokes are very good at doing that, aren't they??!! Not!!)
Include staples and maybe a few things he can just heat up if he doesn't fancy cooking from scratch on occasion.
Shopping can be daunting; I'm trying to teach the teenager in preparation for uni and she's hopeless too. That's the method I'm using with her.

I think he probably isn't great at it, it does take a while to get the hang of. I'm adept at budget shopping for 6 now but when recently faced with the prospect of splitting up and shopping for 2, I realised I didn't have a clue how much I'd need to allocate for food for us. Added to that, your dad is older and it's harder to learn new things as you age.

However, it's not rocket science and isn't an insurmountable task. So I wouldn't be too hard on him and would offer guidance such as helping to write a shopping list or meal plan and maybe offer to accompany him once or twice if you have the time or feel it would be beneficial, and wouldn't become a weekly expectation.

I agree that online ordering might lead to him not getting out the house as much and also, since he doesn't know his way around a supermarket well, going out to browse can be inspirational in meal planning.

Definitely don't get dragged in to doing it for him, if that's all he's angling after. He's not good at it because it's new but soon it won't be.

I made a flippant comment the other day on here about cleaning the toilet

I dont clean it dh does and someone asked if my mum cleaned when i was a child

Well no, my dad did, he did all the heavy work, most of the cooking, all the ironing, all the DIY and gardening and they shared the other stuff like dusting

So no wonder i have a 'warped' view of what a man should do round the house...in that MIL thinks dh does too much

My dad also loves shopping

Hopefully some of these traditional relationships will start to change

This has reminded me of my FiL after MiL's funeral. We went back to his home and he went to make teas, and it became apparent he didn't know which cupboard the mugs were in . She had always made his cups of tea. As it happens none of the next generation lives close enough to fill in and take care of him in the way I'm sure he would have liked, and he's had to cope. To give him his due he has responded positively in lots of ways and embraced independence. He took a Thai cookery course and can make amazing dishes, as well as learning a range of other skills as he has done other leisure activities. I am quite sure none of this would have happened had MiL lived. They were happy with their life but he has adapted to having to be without her.

Apologies OP if I have equated your DF with the traditional gender roles of my PiLs. I suppose my point is that having to face enforced change can be a positive thing and lead people to challenge themselves and their own perceived limits.

I think it's harsh to judge some relationships by modern standards. I think traditionally there was a division of labour that now would be considered old fashioned and enabling. A different kind of give and take, very codependant. I think it led to the two people (for better or worse) being very close indeed.

It was obvious not just about what your mum could do for him. It's not usual I think for men to bounce very quickly into a relationship where (for want of a better way of saying it) the woman just steps into dead man shoes. He hasn't done that.

When my mum is off on her own for whatever reason I often find it invite my dad over to eat. I would probably do bits and pieces like this if he wanted. He does lots of stuff like putting up pictures and mowing lawns for me. Yes it's enabling "helplessness", but if everything gets done and everyone is happy then does it matter?

Not saying you should do the shopping for your DD OP (there's some fantastic responses suggested above if you dont). Just don't judge him too harshly for it, I think if I was living a way of live with someone that was enjoyable and it was suddenly gone, I would miss it too.

The part of that article that most resonated with me was this

I hired a private carer so that I could work. This lovely woman was boundlessly kind, calm, patient, unfazed: I am none of these things.

It's ridiculous and insulting to carers to suggest that caring is something that can be done by anyone, and that it should be done by people who have other jobs, in their spare time, for no pay.

No. It requires knowledge and skills and should be done by people who are qualified, as their job, for pay.

ElBandito

Fantastic article. Ringing so many bells for me, it's deafening.

It's incredibly difficult to separate guilt from almost every aspect of being a woman.

By the time we are caring for elderly parents, we are as highly qualified in it as you can get.

My dad is almost 80 and he manages to food shop and cook.

When my mum's cancer came back and was terminal one thing the hospice did was run a cookery course for men who were like my dad, soon going to be fending for themselves.

Could you look in to something like that, or perhaps get him to organise something. It made cooking and by extension shopping an enjoyable and social thing.

My dad could always feed himself but has gone from making egg and chips to making ratatouille on garlic bread.

You could also try meal planning with him, my dad was buying for two and throwing food away but has started planning now.

And you are right, I'm crap at food shopping unless I actually meal plan, but I just get on with it.

Maybe suggest he gets farm foods or meals on wheels.

Practice some phrases like:

Oh, you'll get better with practice!

I know, it's a pain isn't it!

It's even harder shopping for (however many of you there are)!

Online shopping has saved me hours of boring drudgery, it's such a relief.

At least you know you'll get what you like.

He'll soon get the message.

That article is brilliant! Women just can't win. I liked the bit where men, who drop in to see their elderly parents for ten minutes each fortnight (so busy, so important), are deemed as 'marvellous'. So true, so sickening.☹️

If he's no good at it, then that may well be because he is very inexperienced at it.

I think the best thing to do would be to help him became better at it. Go through lists, talk about meal planning and keeping an eye on your store cupboard; supermarket layouts and how they are designed to trick you into spending more. Possibly setting up an online shopping account for hi.

Remember of course that this might all be code for 'I miss my DW' and the reason he's asking you to help him with something (anything!) is because you're one of the people most like her and who knew her ways.

Food shopping is boring.
Much better if you don't have to do it.

Set him up with Ocado delivery, he can set up a regular delivery slot with a regular "basic" shop (so that'll turn up if he forgets to edit it) and show him how to edit for what he wants/needs.

Janice Turner is such a great journalist, spot on on many women's issues. thanks for posting that good daughter article- so true.

OP, although I agree that doing an online shop might take the angst out of the process for your dad, it will also do nothing to get him out of the house. A slippery slope.

It might be that focusing on buying food for himself is still a little miserable. Eating together is often a huge part of a marriage.

I know you say he can cook, but would a cookery course be beneficial? He would have a definite list of what he needs to buy,
new recipes and a focus on food that is different to the one he had with your mum. A little loosening of those associations is sometimes a good thing.

If you suspect he is just doing a bit of a Man Thing, then no, I wouldn't cave. Apart from anything else, it wouldn't be good for him.

You're making a fair few assumptions there anon.

VestralVirgin I bet you have at least once in your life expected a man to do something for you because he's a man.
For example, you've given heavier shopping bags to your partner or got your partner to wash the car.
We all do it and you'd be lying to say you never have.

ChocChoc but if your DH were single and lived alone, his "being no good at food shopping" would hurt nobody else and he'd eventually learn to be better.

I'd say that DP is no good at food shopping - in that he'll come home having just picked up stuff that he fancied, with no real thought as to what the kids'll eat, or whether there's room in the fridge, but he still does it.

I think that your suspicions are completely correct, and he's just angling after you doing it for him. If he has a smartphone, sign him up to Ocado, and make it easy - they store the list so next week is super-quick, suggest stuff you might like, and you don't have to actually muck about going to the shop. When I lived in the UK we rarely went in supermarkets, because even though Ocado is more expensive, we spent less because we weren't even looking at stuff we didn't need.

If he eats well and can cook, offer to show him how to meal plan then write a list. Or it may be that he just wants company. If he used to go shopping with your Mum, it might make him feel sad.

It is possible to be a bit shit at planning, and find that you have plenty of biscuits but no meals, or bread but nothing to put inside your sandwiches, or potatoes but not butter.

But a single person who is healthy and has no money problems is in the best position to suck it up and eat a non-ideal thing until they can go to the shop again. It's not as if he has small children to feed.

I suspect it's more about not enjoying food shopping than it is about not being good at it.

It's not exactly difficult to wander around a supermarket and put food you like the look of in a trolley, especially if you're financially comfortable and don't need to meal plan down to the last penny.

Fucking practise then.

It's not rocket science.