I am a feminist and a sahm

I take all the points above about patriarchy limiting choices and the lack of value our society places on unpaid work.
I find it harder to apply these points to women who do not have paid or unpaid employment outside the home but nonetheless outsource all domestic work (and I know several). That strikes me as a self-infantilisation (and is recognised as such by divorce courts who effectively treat an ex-wife in that position as a dependent child who never grows up).
We overlook, too, the sacrifices the husband of such a woman is making to support her choice (very long hours, punishing commute, having to be available at weekends and on holiday) and to 'provide for his family' - thus lumping wife and children together. This does not strike me as a partnership of equals.
Equally, though, in a situation where the wife returning to work would entail little financial contribution and a great deal of stress, and where she is neither good at domestic tasks nor enjoys them, should she be punished/excoriated for seeking fulfilment in other activities?
I don't know the answer.

@sticklebrix. There @NoLoveofMine explained it.

There was a thread on here not that long ago in which a poster stated she'd become a SAHM only a few years ago even though she earnt more than her husband, because they decided as a man he'd probably go on to earn more. Also I've read posters saying they felt pressure from their husbands/male partners to stay at home when they had children or "less of a woman" for not (read that this week). We need a society where it's a totally free choice for all women, as it has been for those SAHPs on this thread, and indeed for men.

Feminism gives women the right to choose. We don't want to be men we just want to have the option of having all the rights they have.

because of decidedly unfeminist reasons,

Which reasons are you referring to, runlogan ?

I am a sahm and I class myself as a feminist.

I did go back to work whilst DS was younger, and I was the higher earner (by quite an amount). Absolutely hated being away from DS, and it got too much after about a year so I quit my job. DP was supportive all the way.

I definitely believe you can be a SAHM and a feminist (and used to be one). I also believe you can be a man and a feminist, and it sounds like your friend is supporting some important causes.

I do think that it can be surprisingly easy to gradually slip from "I'm doing this as a choice and I love it" to feelings of lower self-worth. As others have said this is because of the lower value placed by society on SAHM-ing than it should be, which you can start to absorb. So it's good to keep thinking about whether you are happy with your and DH's roles within the family on an ongoing basis.

Women are judged whatever they do

Absolutely true.

Considering that a lot of time, women become stahm because of decidedly unfeminist reasons, I disagree. Until we get to a truly gender-equal society where decisions about childcare aren't made with the assumption that women will automatically be the ones to sacrifice their careers, I do not believe being a stahm equates to feminism.

Women are judged whatever they do (at all times and not least if they become mothers). Women who become SAHPs told they're not working, of no value, even though they're doing vital work, mothers who work told they're letting down their children, "part time mums", uncaring. None of it is good and all is yet more means of judging and criticising women.

I'm really pleased to read this thread. I'm currently a SAHP and there are plenty of times when I've been made to feel less than my working friends. It wasn't my intention to be off with my dd but it's the way that things have developed and I don't have much choice right now. That is a problem with the patriarchal system, caring for my kid isn't.

Last week a twenty something boy in a HSBC call centre told me I was "out of work". I'm an ardent feminist and I'm fucking sick of being told (implicitly or explicitly) that I'm not working.

I don't think it's sad to find worth through your job just as there's nothing wrong with not attaching any worth to a wage. My mum is hugely successful in her work and a fantastic parent in every way. She finds worth through numerous things of which her job is one (her patients regularly tell her how much they think of her). She's a great inspiration to me. Her sister in law used to make lots of jibes about how terrible it was she worked, but luckily my parents never see her now.

I'm also irked that even when both partners in a heterosexual couple work, the woman tends to end up doing most (if not all) of the household work, from what I've read and heard.

Also, statistics show that the younger generation actually believe more than those of their parents that women should stay at home if they have children, which is quite worrying.

There is absolutely no reason why you can't be a SAHM and a feminist. The value of work done in the home should be far higher than society regards it as, anyway (it probably isn't because it's traditionally associated with women, so seen as counting for less).

I see no reason why any SAHP should be frowned upon. I think it should be just as common or accepted for men to be SAHPs if they wish (as increasing numbers are becoming). The choice must be a free one, not a woman sacrificing her career when she'd rather have continued because of lack of paternity provision, or a belief the man's career takes precedence, or when even though she was earning far more than the man she believes he'll earn more in future as he's a man (all reasons I've seen given). However, when a woman has made a free choice that being a SAHP works best for her, anyone who says you can't be a feminist having exercised that choice is being ridiculous.

At the same time, I think it's vital we also combat sexism in the workplace, outdated assumptions that women should stay at home if they have children and make sure no women are being pressured into it when they don't wish to be.

I am a SAHM (how funny that that auto corrected to 'sham' and the next suggested word was marriage! ) and a feminist. It's the right decision for my family and I don't see how having a wage gives somebody any kind of intrinsic 'worth'. It infuriates me actually.

Hahaha hilarious. Now I see where I've been going wrong all these years.I should have asked a man to explain what feminism was. Silly little me.

The mistake you are making is listening to a man talk about feminism. His opinions are irrelevant.

Excellent post OutsSelf

'no career = no worth' for sahming is neoliberal to the core, and the labour you provide your family makes your family's life possible. Now because of wankers like who have decided that only paid labour is meaningful, unfortunately you will be disadvantaged if you divorce your husband/or your husband is someone who percieves sahming as a pointless hobby for the deluded. But that is because patriarchy has devalued in every sense what was traditionally female labour. The answer is not to stop taking up 'traditionally female' roles but (1) separate those forms of labour from sex class and (b) reject the value system by either insisting spouses pay for that labour or strengthening divorce rights. Tell your friend that if he is such a bloody feminist he can start sahming or paying a wage to his wife. Dismantling patriarchy requires that men change their practices more than women because they hold more power. Requiring those without power to change the system which denies them it simply rehearses the disadvantage the relatively disempowered already suffer in relation to those in power.

OP I was a feminist SAHM for many, many years.

The work that SAHPs do is just that - work. Society places little value on such work, because traditionally women do it. But the fact is that if you were looking after somebody else's child and animals you would be paid for your labour. If you got a job outside the home tomorrow you would have to pay someone else to do what you do now.

It has always infuriated me that 'women's work' is minimised and downplayed. Pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding are downplayed. The needs of children are downplayed (not all children need a SAHP, but some do). We are supposed to just absorb parenting responsibilities into our working lives without making a fuss and often without adequate support.

SAHMing can be a feminist choice. As can, of course, WOHMing.

I am a SAHM and a feminist too. I have tried having a career in a male dominated work place and it is an uphill struggle through treacle. Like many women, I found that my career progression slowed/reversed when I had children, 'flexible' working arrangements meant that I got paid less whilst being expected to do the same amount of work and having to pay for full time child care (as I was frequently asked to work on my 'day off') and having 2 full time (plus some) working parents was not really compatible with the life I wanted for my young children. On the other hand, DH's career progression took off around the time that we had DC so that we could afford to live on his pay alone but not mine.

I know lots of other women with similar stories. After thousands of years of patriarchy society is still designed around women being in the home. Without some serious changes to society/the work place (particularly in well paid professions) women will continue to find it harder than men to have a career and a family. Yet some men people don't want to accept that there are changes needed and prefer to tell women who feel the impact of patriarchy that they only have themselves to blame.

He's more of a capitalist than a feminist imho.

Ah, that makes a pleasant change :)

Agree with Xeno's recommendation - I 'know' the woman who runs that page and there is no way anyone could say she isn't feminist!!

Your friend is jealous of your DH's lifestyle IMO.

Some people don't seem to understand the concept of supporting other people as part of a team. You and your DH sound like a great team.

Agree with the above, although I would probably describe you as a smallholder, not a SAHM. Looking after animals (and small children for that matter) is work. Often quite hard, physical work.