Why do so many people make excuses for rapists?

I was not assaulted but I had a very similar experience once with a colleague who I invited into my home for a 'sober up' drink. He propositioned me and I asked him to leave. He did. However, friends of both sexes who I told, instead of being supportive, explained to me that I had 'sent the wrong messages' because 'come in for a cup of coffee' (offered only after he said he was feeling a bit tipsy) really means 'yes of course I'll have sex with you'. Many went so far as to tell me I led him on or put him in an unfair position. I was told I was naive and one male friend even laughed at me and my stupidity. Later, he sent me some obscene material. At work, I was told I should have known better and that 'he'd tried the same with many women'. So why was he still there?

But protecting and excusing men and blaming women goes beyond rape - rape is just one way that this happens. There are chat and ABIU threads right now that demonstrate this in different ways, along with related double standards.

Sorry to all who have suffered here.

As Neverknowing said people just don't care. They will pay lip service to stuff but actually shunning someone or whatever...too much hassle.

I was assaulted at work when I was an intern and my then boyfriend persuaded me not to go to the police because he said they would shut down the intern programme and that wasn't fair.

I later found out that the guy who assaulted me assaulted various women.

sally

My experience.

I met a man in his professional environment. I wasn't his patient or anything like that but we shared a space, chatted and hit it off. He invited me for a date. I accepted with all the safe guards in mind.

He managed to talk his way into my home (desperate for a wee) and he raped me.

I kept everything. Clothes. Bedding. The glass he drank from. Myself and his disgusting residue.

Guess what? It went no further because he was one of their own.

I'm sorry that happened to you, raffles.

I think how a person talks about rape can give you some insight into both who they are, and their past. Men who excuse rapists I would give a wide berth to, because I think they're looking at their past behaviour and not being entirely confident that they've never raped someone. Women who excuse rapists I feel extremely sorry for because I think they've almost certainly be subjected to some sort of sexual coercion that they're not able to face up to. They've probably been raped, but can't admit it to themselves - if she was raped, then that means I was too, and I'm not that woman...

Possibly simplistic. The other explanation is that a rape apologist is someone who has just swallowed our cultural myths about dominant male sexuality and female sexual passivity wholesale, and never bothered to think if it even makes any sense or not. Then I think they're just a bit dim.

I have just read your post Raffles. I am so sorry that man did that to you. You are very strong. I am glad he looked sweaty and nervous. What an utterly pathetic creep he is.

BloodyEatSomething Thu 27-Apr-17 14:27:12
If you think of rape as a more extreme version of sexual harassment then I have this to add: people simply think that boys will be boys.

There is a thread on AIBU about a girl who is being punished at school because she swore at a boy who was miming a sex act with his tongue and fingers at her in class against her will.

It is all just awful.

People don't want to admit they are a poor judge of character or admit that equally it could have happened to them

Raffles, I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through. I think rape is so much about control, rather than sexual desire. You absolutely didn't deserve what happened to you, as you know, but you are right, society thinks we are part of the problem. I'm glad you have found a DP who is supportive and your counsellor sounds good too.

Neverknowing, spot on. All through history, it was documented that women were ''not to enjoy sex'' and ''simply give your husband what he wants, for his pleasure not yours'' Rapists are beasts. Simple as. But I agree, it feels like this attitude will never change. If my child is a man, I will teach him to respect women and more importantly, himself. And if I have a girl, I will teach her to defend herself, back away from something that does not feel right. But we cannot protect our children forever can we? I made the mistake of stepping out for some fresh air that night. That was my biggest mistake. Not the wine I had drunk, not the dress I wore. But no way would I have been made to feel that it was okay when it came to court. I don't believe enough is done to protect women who are raped. And too much is made of women who lie and say they were raped. Its a screwed up world. And it sucks that I can go to a gay wedding these days but I cannot go to the police and tell them I was raped.

Wow raffles that's awful. You seem so strong, I can't imagine having to feel like that. Rape isn't considered a had thing because men are entitled to women's bodies, to sex. It's fucked up I don't know how we will ever change this.

I was raped at a Christmas party, by a man who had only met me hours earlier. His wife worked with my husband (now ex husband) I didn't even know his name. I said nothing, only my counselor some years later, told no one. Why? Because I had a colourful history - I had many one night stands over the years, many flings, before settling down. I honestly thought no one would believe me. And I was dressed in a very short dress and high heels. I believe I thought that way, simply because I have seen too many women being dragged through the mud when taking a rapist to court. The woman is often made to feel like their past shaped their rape. Did I deserve it, simply because I had given myself up freely to many men before settling down? Because I chose to wear a dress that showed a lot of leg? He dragged me around to the back of a building forced me to bend over and took my dignity, my pride, my sense of self - my self worth - all of it, just so he could get his rocks off. Because he decided that because he fancied me, he could just take me. Something needs to change, something needs to give and only then will men stop thinking with a primal urge, that they can just take what they want. There are so many sides to this dark argument but you know what? It will never change. I would never have withstood the personal scrutiny, the judgement I alone would have faced, simply because he decided I was for the taking. I am one of the lucky few, I have an amazing counselor who has seen me through many a dark time and a new man in my life who knows about the rape and gives me love and strength, no matter what. This is his dirty little secret, not mine. I saw him, some years after the event - in broad daylight, at a fare and he was with his wife and young children. I stared that bastard down. He was sweating, shaking, could not look me in the eye, probably terrified I would say something. That was enough for me. I just hope no one ever treats his daughter, the way he treated me that night. Do I worry he will/or has done it again? Of course I do. But I chose the safest route for me at the time. Self preservation. I am not his victim, I am a survivor. I was abused as a child, so that little fucker will not hold me down. Attitudes need to change, the way cases are handled, need to change. Only then will men realise (and some women) that rape is not okay, it is punishable and must be stopped.

Rapists are rarely creepy old men lurking behind bushes in dark parks. They are co-workers, classmates, friends, family members, guys with respectable professions and families -- those who nobody would believe that they're capable of RAPE

If you think of rape as a more extreme version of sexual harassment then I have this to add: people simply think that boys will be boys. The whole culture is designed around men being results of their biology only, and of course the poor little dears can't help themselves. Sadly one of my friends has recently given me evidence of this kind of thinking again: she is also someone who gets annoyed when challenged because she isn't brainwashed.

And further to that Spartacus, it's a form of magical thinking. "If women like that are women who get raped and I am not like that then I won't ever be a victim. This is why rape myths persist, they are talismans against the darkness.

Many women side with rapists or blame women (rather than men) for rape because they rely on men for money in some way and/or they can't see their sons / husbands as rapists.

I read this today and it made me think of this thread. www.ibtimes.co.uk/if-we-judge-sexual-assault-victim-whether-they-drink-we-may-well-declare-rape-legal-1618536

I'm sorry to hear that Alma. People always say about "false rape accusations" ruining men's lives yet I seem to hear far more about accused men who get to carry on as normal while the woman they raped gets vilified.

My rapist brother got 14 years and served no time. His punishment is that he's on a register that no one has access to. His wife was going to leave him but didn't. His mother (my mother) is slowly gettin back to normal and has told me he'll still inherit farm as planned (as firstborn). Yes, nobody cares and people will do utmost to gloss over/forget. Was it worth 3 years of police investigation/ court? Mmmmm

When it's someone they know, I think there is an element of not wanting to acknowledge their poor judgement and people-reading. They don't want to admit to themselves that it could easily have happened to them.
Plus, the reasons above.

Yes indeed Pippa it's shocking. It's one thing to have a tolerant society and I am aware of reasoning that a long prison sentence does not necessary prevent reoffending etc but ONE year?

One year? It is probably worth the risk then. Good for aspiring rapists to know that.

In sweden someone found guilty of rape was sentenced to one year this week. It was a high profile case as the rape was filmed.

Because unless a man drags a woman off the street into an alleyway then it isn't 'proper rape' and she must have done something to blame. It is the patriarchy and we are fighting against centuries of it. Rape within marriage wasn't even illegal until th 1990s IIRC.

Because women are alagedly there to be fucked, so consent is seen by some merely as a bonus. And society in general tells them that's ok by making it nigh on impossible for a rapist to be held to account.

Sadly because most people believe there to be different 'types' of rape. As there are different types of fraud/theft/robbery/burglary. People feel less sympathy where they believe a victim has been contributorily negligent.

Also due to the nature of sex itself, the way we are socialised in our gender roles for women to be the hunted and the men to hunt.