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Original poster

Rape 'jokes'. Wtf is wrong with some people?

69 replies

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 22/04/2017 20:17

Just that really, why do some men feel it's appropriate or funny to make jokes like that?

I've been on a couple of dates with a guy I've been friends with for the best part of nearly 10years. He knows I have ptsd and we were discussing the effects my medication has on me. When I explained that they pretty much incapacitate me (drowsy, can't walk straight, can't type, forget words etc) he replied with " Sweet ill come around then then...easy target "

I was nice. Told him I don't find that funny to which he responded "it's just a joke poppet". Then I (nicely) asked him to explain why it's meant to be funny. Yeah, he really couldn't and instead got shitty with me, said "I'll leave you too it. Take care".

He's since been blocked. But I'm curious as to why some men do it? Do they genuinely think it's funny, or is it more an expression of what they deem an acceptable way to treat women (ie thinking it's fine to take advantage of incapacitated women).
Do they actually not realise that their "harmless jokes" mock and silence survivors (both male and female) and give perpetrators the impression that rape and sexual abuse is funny and acceptable?

OP posts:
HorridHenryrule · 22/04/2017 22:05

I have never heard rape jokes in my life. MN is the first place I heard of it. He either doesn't know what he is doing and he's thick or he lost control.

Foldedtshirt · 22/04/2017 21:58

The alarm on your Shark Cage is working Sailaway Flowers

RebelRogue · 22/04/2017 21:58

I see that a lot on social media sometimes, (mainly) girls saying the wind "raped" their hair. And "frape" used to be a commonly used term when I live to describe someone hacking into someone else's Facebook 

I hate that. Also the overuse of violated. It minimises the seriousness of rape and makes it all almost casual.
One would hope it's because they never had the misfortune of being raped and the awful aftermath of it and again,the emotional intelligence of a newt.

scootinFun · 22/04/2017 21:56

Aah but all these 'jokes' do is try and normalise these scenarios and cloud consent issues. And they all get indignant - oh I wouldn't rape someone etc after insinuating they'd take advantage of a incapacitated women.

RebelRogue · 22/04/2017 21:54

Some people are just dicks with the emotional intelligence of a newt. And I say people as i know men and women that do similar type "jokes".

Some men though use them to say exactly what they think and would do,but then use the cover of "just a joke" when it backfires. It's a testing of boundaries, a setting of the future roles and a warning.
Given your situation (and abuse ,fleeing etc) that he knew about it's quite frankly disgusting and a red flag as big as my ass.

Original poster
SailAwayWithMeHoney · 22/04/2017 21:54

I see that a lot on social media sometimes, (mainly) girls saying the wind "raped" their hair. And "frape" used to be a commonly used term when I live to describe someone hacking into someone else's Facebook Hmm

I'm a little relieved to hear no one laughed nottheduchess x

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Original poster
SailAwayWithMeHoney · 22/04/2017 21:51

bowlinghedgehog that's actually pretty fascinating, in a scary and morbid kind of way. I do find I agree with you though, but I wonder if it was a "harmless joke" if the person making it would then realise what they said and apologise?
Is it ever unintentional do you think?

I don't for a moment my ex friend was unintentionally offensive, I very much agree that it was deliberate hence his shittiness at being called out. I'm just curious

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NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 22/04/2017 21:48

Rape jokes are not funny, whatever the contexts. Saw a comedian a few days ago and he made a joke about rape, not sexual rape but rape of a "thing" (think having your fridge raided but calling it raped instead) and the joke just bombed. Nobody laughed, there were a lot of embarrassed groans x

Original poster
SailAwayWithMeHoney · 22/04/2017 21:46

Lol sonhatesme try again cupcake 😘

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MissCherryCakeyBun · 22/04/2017 21:46

Yep me too can't stand vile trolls like this

Sending hugs xx

ImperialBlether · 22/04/2017 21:46

mysonhatesmebutidontcare

Eh?

M0stlyBowlingHedgehog · 22/04/2017 21:45

Oh, and I've reported the troll to MNHQ, so hopefully they won't be around for long.

M0stlyBowlingHedgehog · 22/04/2017 21:44

Cross posted with you, Sail - Flowers. I hope you are getting the support you need now, and that the injunction is doing the trick.

Actually, I think your response was the better one - rather than allow him to get a frisson from you exposing your vulnerabilities, just calmly ask him to explain why it was funny.

mysonhatesmebutidontcare · 22/04/2017 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

M0stlyBowlingHedgehog · 22/04/2017 21:37

Sail, I'm afraid I have a very dark take on this. There is research (e.g. by psychologist David Lisak) which puts the number of men who rape at about 1 in 20 of the male population. And these men are by their own admission repeat offenders (average of 6 rapes each). So when a man makes rape jokes I immediately suspect that (a) he actually is one of the 1 in 20 who are rapists and (b) it's part and parcel of his rape modus operandi, by which I mean two things. First, since rape is about power not sex, this (in a minor way) is more of the same: he's doing it precisely to upset the woman he's making the jokes to, because it makes him feel powerful and makes her feel powerless and he gets off on that. Second, it's a form of grooming behaviour - he's looking for that nervous laugh from the woman who's too frightened to challenge him, so that he knows that he's found a woman whose boundaries he can push at, and push some more. Most rapes are pre-planned and date-rapists deliberately target women who they can make vulnerable in some way.

My guess is your acquaintance got angry because you'd challenged him and stopped his boundary pushing at the first stage.

Incidentally, the only man of my acquaintance who repeatedly told rape jokes to me, after I'd told him not to and who did so deliberately to try to upset me - I later found out that he'd repeatedly anally raped one of my friends while they were going out together (she didn't, and I think still doesn't, realise it was rape, because she had a pretty screwed up upbringing thanks to her weirdly religious parents, and I think internalised all sorts of beliefs about "once you'd had sex out of wedlock, you'd demonstrated you were game for anything and no longer had the right to say no.")

Original poster
SailAwayWithMeHoney · 22/04/2017 21:34

He knows about the abuse, that I fled the area and that there was a criminal trial and is an injunction, he doesn't know I was raped. I did think of replying saying "remind me to tell you why I've got ptsd someday" but thought better of it.

Thought I'd see if he could explain why it's funny instead...

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IvankaTrudeau · 22/04/2017 21:21

It's horrible. SailAway if he's been your friend for 10 years, does he know your situation? (If I'm remembering one of your previous threads correctly. Will delete this comment if you want me to.) If so, that's really awful of him to say things like that.

Original poster
SailAwayWithMeHoney · 22/04/2017 21:13

Oh gosh probably not!!

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AnotherQuoll · 22/04/2017 20:50

I bet he wouldn't have thought that "joke" so amusing if it was directed at him by a larger, stronger man than himself who was sexually attracted to him.

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