I'm not the barista's "my love"

Is it nice and a kindness though? To be slightly patronised?

Do you find it patronising ? I don't.

If it's London, then men use mate to other men seen as equals, and love to women, the elderly, and children. Which is patronising as hell

That's your interpretation. I don't think it is patronising. I'd hate to be called "mate".

It's weird. Where I live now, I really hate being called 'darling' or 'my lovely' it feels like something patronising young people in shops say to an older woman. But when I lived in London being called 'darlin' felt completely normal - just a way of expressing kindness in a harsh environment.

"I still think everyone should just call everyone "duck"."

Technically a male duck is called a drake and the female is called a duck.....

Untie your knickers love they seem to be in a knot.

Its the way some people speak. Imagine if he'd have called you what he really thought of you, I bet that would have been much ruder!

I am a life-long card-carrying feminist and call everyone Sweetie or Darling.

"Love" is used by both sexes for both sexes here. I like that.

I also like it when people serving you in shops and pubs use it. Suggests a bit of equality rather than expecting them to tug their forelock with a sir/ madam.

"Why could "mate" not be used for women or men?"

Because it isn't You cant make people call each other what you want them to, its an organic thing that grows, hence there being so many variations all over the country.
You really cant win though. While I happily use love I also often use mate for both and when I was almost knocked off my bike by a short haired female delivery driver who I could clearly see was a woman I shouted "Jesus Christ mate cant you see me or what?"
Her response was " I'm sorry no I didn't see you and if you don't mind I'm a woman."

Where do you live OP? I'm from midlands where everyone is duck, ducky, love or similar. People smile and greet each other in the street too I didn't realise how unusual this is until I visit other places where people are less friendly.
I know what I prefer

I don't care about love/pet/my lovely etc if it's used equally for both sexes. That's a local/regional term, fine. If it's used just for women and not for men, like in the OPs example, then yes it is a bit irritating and a minor bit of low level sexism.

If the barista calls the females 'my love' and the males 'mate,' I fail to see how it's any more patronising or sexist than Sir or Ma'am (Madam).

But I was reared in the southern United States. Absolutely everyone there is darlin' or puddin' or sweet pea or 'honey child or...you get the idea.

Female and male.

The intention of the person using it is not (always) the problem. The problem is that language (and the power relations underlying common usage) is still deeply sexed. And that after many years of feminism, and being a feminist, I'm still seeing this debated, and still seeing the same 'stop being such a humourless harridan and worry about something real.......' response cropping up.

(Oh, and that I'm still biting my tongue on here a lot and not objecting everytime someone uses cunt as an insult! I think cunts are gorgeous, and actually the highest praise to compare someone to such . Except I realize that if I tried that in everyday-usage, I would be almost certainly misunderstood.........)

Why is love patronising for a woman but mate isn't patronising for a man, why is it sexist in one case but not in than the other?

Why could "mate" not be used for women or men? "Love" can be quite patronising and belittling. Having said that, there are doubtless incidences of women calling men "love", though it doesn't seem to be as commonplace.

Not wanting to be patronised is hardly wishing to live in a "cold world" though.

I still think everyone should just call everyone "duck".

Maybe it was his attempt at being friendly? I wouldn't lose sleep over it.

I would notice it, but not let it bother me.

I work in a male dominated industry and the things I get called, and the things said to me would make your hair curl.

Why is love patronising for a woman but mate isn't patronising for a man, why is it sexist in one case but not in than the other? Is ones love technically not of a higher standing than ones mate?

I do think sometimes people look to be offended.

I'd much rather the tradition of love, duck, darling, mate, doll, pal, whatever continues than everyone simoly states their communication without these regional terms of endearment /kindness or calls everyone else sir and madam.

What a cold world some of us wish to live in.

Here in Cornwall you'd be called maid and males are called me ansum. Both are local and nothing to get your kecks in a twist about

I like Not Citrus's suggestion of using the same term back to him. If it's a regional term used for everyone then that would seem perfectly normal. If it's a term he only uses in a slightly patronising way to women then it might make him stop and think.

I think it is a cultural norm for some. Cultures where being standoffish is not celebrated.

If it's patronising..

Is it nice and a kindness though? To be slightly patronised?

I love it when strangers use endearments towards me. The only one I'm not so keen on is being called 'doll' (my boss from 30 years ago used to call me that when he asked me to go and buy him his cigars - if you saw me, you'd realise how ludicrous it was).

But if someone calls me 'darling' or 'darlin'' or 'my love' I almost want to cry a little bit, cos it's so nice.

I am from an area that uses it irrespective of sex.

I find it kind when used that way.

Pal and mate i find a little forced at times and sort of resolutely masculine.

Don't hate a kindness.

lol, I have been called today: My Dear, Lovely, Chick, Darling and Samantha (my name is Stephanie)

None of them bother me because I know the people are just trying to be nice

I can't see anything wrong with being called "my love". You could be called much worse things, in which case you'd have reason to be put out.

It definitely doesn't make you humourless.

I also wish more people referred to one another as "duck". I long to be addressed as such.

I don't care about love/pet/my lovely etc if it's used equally for both sexes. That's a local/regional term, fine. If it's used just for women and not for men, like in the OPs example, then yes it is a bit irritating and a minor bit of low level sexism.