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Original poster

The Orgasm Gap!

58 replies

SomeDyke · 24/02/2017 15:00

Forget about pay and all that! According to new research:

BBC News Report

"The study, by Indiana University, Chapman University and Claremont Graduate University, showed the proportion of people who usually orgasmed was:

65% of heterosexual women
66% of bisexual women
86% of lesbian women
88% of bisexual men
89% of gay men
95% of heterosexual men"

My initial reaction, I was a bit smug! (Yes, we keep boasting that it's better with a dyke! Grin). But then my second reaction was -- a THIRD of non-lesbian women don't usually orgasm. Despite years of feminism, books and videos and movies and more instructions on where to find the clitoris ,G-spot etc and what to do with them than you can shake a large vibrating dildo at. And yet a third still 'fail' (Note that I'm, not saying orgasming is/should be the goal of sex BTW).

Are non-gay men really that crap at sex? It would seem so!

Reading on, it says: "and a belief in some men that most women orgasm from penetrative sex." Whereas apparently "Few heterosexual women climaxed through penetrative sex alone".

So what is it, do the chaps not notice it, why is this false belief not questioned, or do their partners assure them it is all fine, or just act really well (whilst looking forward to a session with their rabbit once he has fallen asleep?).

I just find it depressing that after so many years of effort, women still do more of the household chores, still earn less, and it seems are less likely than the chaps to even have a decent shag after all that.......................

Because women deserve better!

OP posts:
VestalVirgin · 28/02/2017 13:18

You could argue it is women's fault for staying with sexually unsatisfying partners, I suppose...

Yeah, but not really, because women are discouraged from learning about their own bodies by patriarchy, so ... if you don't even know you could have an orgasm, it is kinda hard to determine whether a partner is unsatisfying.

Of course, in the end, everything is women's fault, we should just have started a real, violent revolution against patriarchy ages ago, I guess.

Since we haven't, we are clearly responsible for our own oppression. Or something. Not that those who blame women are usually in favour of an armed feminist revolution.

Batteriesallgone · 28/02/2017 13:10

I'll be honest I'd be totally dumbfounded if DH expected me to be responsible for his orgasm. I mean obviously I know how to do the sex, and some things that help him along, but in general I expect him to know what he's doing and what he feels like and vice versa.

You seem to be implying it's ok for a woman not to know her own body because...what, some amazing at sex lesbian will do the orgasm to her? Surely orgasms are too personal to work like that.

picklemepopcorn · 28/02/2017 12:55

You could argue it is women's fault for staying with sexually unsatisfying partners, I suppose...

I do think men get away with being bad in bed, though. There is a need to 'tune in' and be sensitive to your partner's experience that doesn't seem to come naturally to a lot of men.

Original poster
SomeDyke · 28/02/2017 12:45

"I think that women who don't masturbate are likely to find it difficult because they don't know their own bodies. I take responsibility for my own orgasm:........"
Well, I'm frankly stunned by the number of posters on here who seem to think (despite the quoted stats as regards what men think they know about PIV and how many orgasm from it) that it is all either totally hunky-dory, or straight womens fault for not learning about their own bodies and not masturbating...................

Nope, nothing do with with chaps or the patriarchy at all, nothing to see laydees.............

Really??

OP posts:
passingthrough1 · 28/02/2017 10:30

LassWi and Rebel completely agree. There is no problem here even being one of the third quoted.

NotYoda · 26/02/2017 17:50

I am so very very glad that I read The Hite Report when I was at University. I think my sex life would have been so different.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 26/02/2017 13:38

I orgasm from PIV sex all the time. Mind you, that wasn't true when I first had sex. But I've been doing it for a long time now. I also don't like oral sex. It's too superficial. Deep pressure is what works for me.

I think that women who don't masturbate are likely to find it difficult because they don't know their own bodies. I take responsibility for my own orgasm: I put myself in positions that I know work.

Mittensonastring · 26/02/2017 10:09

The mind comes in to it more than many realise, if that organ is sorted then the rest follows. As much as I hate the whole men are like this and women are that I have had discussions with men about how they compartmentalise their thoughts and feelings, literally put them in a box and leave them there. I worked in a 95% male environment for years and my main hobby is dominated by males.

I don't think women are more emotional as such we just let ourselves feel them and if emotions are running high or something is off it will affect us.

They just seem so much more basic.

RebelRogue · 25/02/2017 16:35

I don't enjoy oral sex. I also enjoy sex more than the actual orgasming. OH is happy to do whatever i would ask him to do...but all i want is PIV and I'm perfectly happy with that.

Batteriesallgone · 25/02/2017 15:54

Ah yes but did you message it before 0phelia? Wink

The - somewhat hashed - point I was trying to make was that in a room of heterosexual couples who had all had sex, the idea that the man might touch - with his fingers - the entrance to the vagina and down the perineum of his heavily pregnant wife to (attempt to) prevent her tearing in childbirth was met with horror and distaste. Which I couldn't get my head around at all. I wouldn't recommend perineal massage as a sex act don't get me wrong Grin but it has been proven to reduce tearing. The idea the distaste of getting up close and personal to the vagina and surrounding area was so distasteful you'd prefer to stick with a higher chance of tearing was really quite shocking to me.

It was almost like they found the idea of looking at / touching the female genital area revolting.

0phelia · 25/02/2017 14:59

Don't think it's part of the vulva.

0phelia · 25/02/2017 14:58

Perineum is the bit in between your anus and your vag.
I had to get it snipped because of complications in childbirth. Wouldn't want a massage there now for a million quid!

Batteriesallgone · 25/02/2017 14:40

Is the perineum part of the vuvla? Shit my mumsnet vocab isn't up to scratch. Maybe I should have said men there who'd never touched their partners genital region with their hands / fingers (although clearly had been there with their penises)

Batteriesallgone · 25/02/2017 14:39

The midwife talked about your partner doing perineal massage (as well as doing it yourself). There is some evidence that it reduces the likelyhood of tearing during childbirth. She wasn't recommending it as a sexy thing just a 'might be easier if your partner does it' thing.

From the reaction in the room I got the impression there were some men there who had never touched their partners vuvlas Shock

She didn't talk about PIV no.

VestalVirgin · 25/02/2017 12:59

One woman kind of signed and said well I might do it but I can't believe you're suggesting it with a partner. As if it would be the height of inproprietary to ask the guy who got you pregnant to put his fingers in and around your vag.

Weird. Did the midwife talk about penis-in-vagina sex openly?
I mean, people might be just weirded out by having sexual acts recommended by a midwife?

Them actually not wanting to do this with a man with whom they have sex, would be very strange indeed . Not impossible, though.
People are weird sometimes.

Batteriesallgone · 25/02/2017 12:32

Signed? Sighed!

Batteriesallgone · 25/02/2017 12:31

I remember being at an antenatal class and the midwife suggesting perineal massage. Me and DH were very interested, oh why not, might help and has no downsides? Sounds good. Then we noticed the odd.... atmosphere. Everyone else was looking most squeamish at the idea of perineal massage. One woman kind of signed and said well I might do it but I can't believe you're suggesting it with a partner. As if it would be the height of inproprietary to ask the guy who got you pregnant to put his fingers in and around your vag.

Madness.

Chinnygirl · 25/02/2017 12:27

I'm a heterosexual woman but I am surprised at some of my friends who have no idea how their body works and who don't masturbate. It's a bit hard to orgasm if you don't know what kind of stimulation you need Confused. In my experience most men are happy to learn if you tell them what feels good.

VestalVirgin · 25/02/2017 12:18

On the contrary, it looks like they score the highest.

Only if you assume that sex is a game one wins by having an orgasm.

Most people would say that giving your partner an orgasm makes you good in bed. In which case heterosexual men score lowest.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 25/02/2017 11:00

The study showed that "of particular importance was incorporating oral sex along with other activities during a sexual encounter"

There was a clear pattern between more oral sex and more orgasms in heterosexual women, lesbian women, bisexual women, gay men and bisexual men

I hate oral sex.

For me though this isn't a huge deal as I am there for the physical intimacy and it's still enjoyable

I agree - and that's not just putting a brave face on. If increased orgasms means having to have oral sex, no thanks.

BartholinsSister · 25/02/2017 09:21

Are non-gay men really that crap at sex? It would seem so
On the contrary, it looks like they score the highest.

GinAndSonic · 25/02/2017 08:15

Cheers Devi

DrMorbius · 25/02/2017 07:22

Plenty of heterosexual women don't masturbate. I think that's probably got something to do with it

I read somewhere once that on average men masturbate 5 - 7 times per week. Whereas it's averages less than once per week for women.

HapShawl · 25/02/2017 06:39

I'm sure that's what heterosexual men like to tell themselves JoJo

JoJoSM2 · 25/02/2017 00:18

Perhaps they focus on enjoying the journey and not just reaching the destination.