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Original poster

DD and the trans thing. She's really sucked in and not able to see an alternative view

259 replies

FarmerJiles · 19/01/2017 13:47

So, DD 14 is increasingly being exposed to the trans thing. She knows several kids in her peer group who believe themselves to be trans - both MtT and FtT, and are very vocal about it. Her school has definitely embraced the affirmation approach, and several boys wear skirts to school, and lots of names have been changed on registers.

I fully support these young people to express themselves how they want to, and to make whatever changes they need to feel at ease with themselves. However, I am very worried about this as a trend/fashion.

There is so much talk about gender, sexuality, and to express any views that might suggest a vaguely feminist take on it are immediately jumped on as bigoted. I fear that these kids are reinforcing each other and possibly going down paths they may regret because it is very hard to back off when you have been expressing such strong views so vigorously.

I have talked to DD about this, but in a rather ham-fisted way i think. I'd really, really like someone to point me in the direction of resources that DD and I can look at that take it back to basics, and show the issues the trans thing raise, so it can gently open her mind. I want DD to start to see this in a calm objective way, rather than me trying to criticise her (dear) friends.

I know about Magdelen Berns, but DD refuses to watch her (she is transphobic apparently according to her friends). So where to look/read/watch?

Thank goodness for this board, btw, but I don't think it would be a suitable staring point for DD at the moment!

OP posts:
0phelia · 19/01/2017 14:28

There's nothing wrong with a boy wearing a skirt to school etc, actually it's laudable to break down gendered expectations.
The problem is conflating that with sex. Thinking you can only do certain things if you categorize yourself as being of one sex not the other because of the way you prefer to perform.

I agree with PP more of a drip-drip non dogmatic aproach would be advisable. Information around the harm of taking artificial hormones for the rest of your life and having surgery just because you feel you can't express yourself otherwise is important.

I saw a youtube vid of a transwoman who agreed while though they wore makeup and dresses etc they knew that did not make them a woman. Search "gender critical trans woman" on youtube...

Does your daughter understand the difference between sex and gender?
If so, leave her to it. She probably won't buy into the sex-change hyperbole, and just go with the fashion trend.

tartansnowman · 19/01/2017 14:26

Does she have any friends, or know any peers who are lesbians?

drivinmecrazy · 19/01/2017 14:17

I found DD1 so bombastic at 13/14. Any alternative views were met by accusations of me being so out of touch, transphobic, homophobic, in fact any words ending in 'phobic ' actually.
She's now matured (slightly) at 16 as she has seen some friends skip from being militant lesbiand to rampant heterosexual beings, and her first boyfriend in yr8 being gay, declaring that DD had changed him, switch back to being gay when she dumped him (poor guy, I still feel guilty that my child caused him such confusion ) to now having a girlfriend to whom he has just declared that he thinks he's still 90% gay!
In many ways I think it's fantastic our children are growing up in a far more enlightened world than we did but along with that comes confusion .
We have always encouraged DDs to be accepting of themselves and others, they have grown up loving and being loved by several same sex couples. But my mind boggles when DD tells me there are now umpteen categories of self identification and sexuality. Growing up all I knew was gay, straight or bisexual. And I grew up in a very enlightened household

Brokenbiscuit · 19/01/2017 14:13

No advice, but I had an interesting discussion about this issue with my very switched on 11yo the other day. We watched the BBC programme together, which gave various different perspectives.

We had a discussion about trans women using female toilets and other women only spaces. I explained that I absolutely support the right of trans men and women ( and boys/girls) to express their gender identity in whatever way they choose, but said that I was a bit uncomfortable about trans women who had not had surgery having unrestricted access to spaces that were intended for women only. DD was a bit shocked by this, and suggested that it was quite a trans phobic point of view. As we spoke further, it emerged that she had presumed that pre-surgery trans women were biologically different from men, and she was a bit taken aback to learn that that wasn't the case.

I know that there have been some tragic cases where trans people have been desperately unhappy, and of course I want those individuals to live in a way that feels right to them. However, I'm wary of the idea that someone can just say that they feel like a woman and automatically expect to be regarded as one. There are good reasons why some women might want access to female only spaces, and the rights of one group need to be managed carefully in order to ensure that they do not impinge on the rights of other groups.

I guess I was surprised to see how completely accepting and unquestioning dd was about trans issues. But then again, I am delighted when I see that she is equally accepting and unquestioning about homosexuality, and that leads me to wonder if it's me that's out of sync with regard to trans issues. And whether I need to review my own feelings about this issue.

Don't know TBH, but I do think the younger generation are much more open-minded about this issue. I'm honestly not sure if that's a good thing or not.

madwomanacrosstheroad · 19/01/2017 14:13

I think it is totally normal behaviour. At 14 you are not sure about anything. Give her the space to figure it out. My daughter went through a phase were everyone wore their various confusion like a badge of honour but it seems to now ease off a bit. Gender has become so stereotyped from infancy on that it is not so bad to question it a bit more.

IndominusRex · 19/01/2017 14:06

Sounds like you're doing the right thing by gathering as much information as you can. This may sound stupid but lots of casual drip feeding of videos/pics of eg Bowie, Prince, Beckham, anyone who was in a band in the 80s in skirts/make up, and similar vice versa eg Tilda Swindon, Ruby Rose, Nicola Adams to show that you don't have to fit into the boxes? I really hope she opens her eyes to it.

Foldedtshirt · 19/01/2017 14:05

I'd encourage her to keep her head down. You can let her know your opinions, but I wouldn't encourage a yp to go head to head with the trans lobby tbh Sad
Are you worried she's going to suppress her own feelings and decide she's ftm rather than lesbian?

Original poster
FarmerJiles · 19/01/2017 14:01

Hmm, good question, thank you. DD is smart, and usually happy to look for alternative viewpoints. The fact that she is not willing to do so on this is concerning me.

So, I don't know if she is ready, but I am worried that if I don't raise it now, she won't be doing herself or her friends any favours in the longterm. I'm not expecting her to get evangelical, just be open to alternative views, and be supportive in that context if appropriate.

I have a slight concern that she is feeling slightly this way inclined, although she has not said so. She has previously spoken of not being sure of her sexuality. When we talked about it, my view was that she is young, and your sexuality can change through your lifespan, so no need to worry about it. From what I have seen, this uncertainly about sexuality can morph into the trans thing. This isn't my major concern btw, just at the back of my mind.

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 19/01/2017 13:52

Do you feel like you're daughter is ready to engage with you right now?

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