Public marriage proposals

I think there's a difference between "proposal at a nice restaurant where staff know about it" and "proposal that is announced to the whole room in a pub" and the like.

I also consider it rude to not make the proposal himself but let someone else announce it.

And then there's the fact that I know my married friend got a nice proposal at a nice place after her boyfriend asked her sister what she'd like.

I don't think pub proposal guy asked the woman's family.

I would hate it if my dh had proposed publicly, but to be fair some people would love it so there is no right or wrong each to their own. But if you were the one proposing you'd have to be pretty sure they'd say yes or you'd never get over the embarrassment!

I watched a car crash proposal in my crappy local pub once, there was a shit local dj on and then he suddenly announced to some poor woman in the corner that her boyfriend wabted to give her her birthday present early. Then DJ announced that the guy wants to marry her. Her boyfriend then gets down on one knee and pulls ring out (actually cringing remembering this)
Woman looks like she's about to bolt, everyone in the pub is watching knowing she's going to say no, DJ senses the situation and runs over and starts saying 'you love him didn't you? What's the problem?' In a really encouraging like he's talking a child into something, while her boyfriend is practically shoving the ring on her finger! Oh so awkward no one knew where to look.
Needless to say I never saw them in there together again.

"Manipulative, controlling, full stop."

okay then.

I consider myself a feminist and quite strongly so- however I see nothing wrong or sinister or controlling in someone declaring their love for someone else and essentially putting themselves in a pretty vulnerable position to do something special for the person they love. My husband proposed to me fairly publicly- not a stadium or anything and none of our family present (which I would have hated). But he put himself out there for me and I loved it. I didn't feel pressured to say yes and I certainly hadn't planned it for me or dropped any brick size hints. Sometimes it's just beautiful and romantic.

Rose that seems like someone who understands neither relationships nor Facebook!

My proposal was private because that's the sort of person I am and my dh respected that

Some women expect a public proposal now days

In fact I remember there was someone who posted on here who was so dissapointed that her dh didn't do a big proposal and therefore in her head he didn't mean it

Curious as to what category you think this might fall in. At the time we were just all in disbelief and I've not really thought into it in too much. My now BIL proposed to my SIL on Facebook. Not even onto her page, he put it as his status. He had been with her all day, they had gone to their separate homes. He then made a public babbling declaration of love as his Facebook status, mentioned not having a ring yet and then finally asked her if she'll marry him. Half the family saw the status before my SIL did, one of us had to call her to let her know! And she then accepted in a comment on the status. I'm still in shock but I do have a weird feeling about their relationship. I'm wondering if maybe his was a sign of things to come.

If it's making an event of essentially formalising an already agreed desire to marry, then isn't that essentially a bit wedding-like? I.e. in that case a public proposal becomes more about creating a story for the couple, with an element of making the commitment public. I think public commitments are meaningful and not necessarily coercive.

I agree there's great potential for creepy behaviour - it's interesting to look at a lot of "romance" staples and question the power dynamics underlying them and whether they encourage unsavoury behaviour (making stalking "romantic" rather than creepy and abusive, for example).

The controlling/abusive men I've known (two) proposed in private and then the woman had to go tell family alone. Because he didn't approve of said family, or any friends, natch. The weddings were small with as little family involvement as possible, and then the married couple faded into almost-obscurity where he could control her without any of those pesky other people who cared about her getting in the way.

The idea of a controlling man doing a big proposal doesn't compute to me. But I guess I just haven't encountered that kind of controlling.

While I do agree there are circumstances where a public marriage proposal is not a dream scenario and there is potential for unsavoury behaviour as many pp have pointed out.
I would like to contribute that my marriage proposal was lovely. DH and I had discussed marriage so it was on the cards. He went and bought a ring (I was unaware) and took me for a meal at the restaurant we had our first date and proposed. He had told the restaurant who provided champagne, chocolates and balloons. The whole thing was lovely. I'm quite introverted and always thought a public proposal would be mortifying but it was simply lovely :)
When it came down to it I didn't care who else was there, it was a thoughtful gesture and a lovely story.

👍🏻 Just

Well, like a stupid mug I married him Banty. But 2017 is the year in which I'll celebrate 17 years since I left him. Happy days!

Proposals with other people around are very cringey, up there with baby showers

You did that eventually though, Just, just to be sure?

MrsTP

Exactly.

M0Stly, I am a feminist. And did read the thread.

Some proposals maybe coercive, I'll give you that. But that's not what many of the posters on here have said.

MrsTerry, god alone knows - I'm not one of them so I wouldn't know.

My ExDh did the whole public proposal at the top of a french landmark. I was fucking mortified. He was showing what a controlling, manipulative shit he really was. If I'd known what was to come, I'd have lobbed the ring over the side.

I've witnessed an awful lot of proposals and weddings in my years and it's nearly always the princessy-obsessed women who put pressure on men to do this stuff, not the other way round. And that's still an issue with the patriarchy. Because why are women so obsessed with the princessy model? Why do women tie their self-worth into what kind of wedding/proposal/ring they get?

It's a terrible model for relationships and harmful to everyone.

And the OP didn't say 'all men'. Does anyone ever say, "all men"? Because it gets spouted a lot.

It's not necessarily consciously nasty and controlling but given that women are generally reared to be people pleasers and men reared to be 'go getters' it's not much of a stretch to see that a public proposal bmcould be deemed as 'coercive'

It's not a level playing field in many circumstances with possibly participants who are 'willing' because hat's what they've be conditioned to believe and accept.

But the men still do it Wantto, or is that victim blaming?

Personally, I love to see a couple who deeply love each other seal the deal legally. I've done it myself. Twice.

Wantto - try actually reading the thread, please, before going off the deep end. Several posters including me have pointed out that in some, possibly many instances, the woman has dropped brick sized hints that the man should make a grand gesture - and this is fine (barring the pressure on the bloke to "get it right"). And also the OP very clearly distinguishes between "well meant grand gesture" and "coercive gesture". But some (get that qualifier... some not all) such proposals are coercive.

Bangs head against wall. I swear some people come onto the feminism section with the intention of wilfully misreading threads so they can misrepresent what's being said and have a whinge about how horrid all the nasty feminists are.

And there were a few during the Olympics that didn't bother me as much. Couple of same sex couples but not as public and one man who won then ran over and asked his girlfriend. At least if she had said no in that case it would have ruined HIS medal winning. And it seemed spur of the moment.

I did think Weibo was broadly against the proposal, which was cheering.

God, there's some horrible shite being spouted about men on here - what crap that these are all men who are nasty, controlling!!!!

I've witnessed an awful lot of proposals and weddings in my years and it's nearly always the princessy-obsessed women who put pressure on men to do this stuff, not the other way round.

But that doesn't fit the agenda though does it?

The weddings themselves? Don't even get me started!

Plus MrsTP it felt as if he had won an extra medal. She is an object to be won. Truly awful.

I was thinking of that MrsTP - interesting the reaction on Weibo (I think I've spelled that right - the main Chinese social media format) was overwhelmingly "he shouldn't have done that - he put her in a position where she couldn't say no, and that was wrong."