'Getting Engaged'

We discussed getting married, we knew we both wanted to. But DH wanted to do the proposal and ring thing, so that's what we did. He'd have had a job asking my dad since he's never met the man, but he wouldn't have done anything so ridiculous anyway.

It's fairly judgemental to assume that you know everything about a relationship from one social media post...

My husband spoke to both of my parents about proposing to me, he also spoke to his parents too. We knew we would get married and had discussed it many times over the years but he wanted to have the big proposal so I let him. He didn't ask my dad's permission, it was more of a courtesy than anything. He is fully aware that I'm not his possession any more than I was ever my dad's possession. Just because people appear to be sheep going down the traditional route doesn't mean they actually are.

Well, you could analyse the whole wedding ceremony and tradition and highlight the inherent sexism.

Dressing in white
Veil.
Being led by your father.
Being given away by your father.
The vows
The best man's speech.
Father of the bride's speech.
Groom's speech.

etc.

I know times are changing and some people do it differently.

Meh! I love the tradition of it, and I have never felt like property of anyone, my father or my now husband. It's entirely up to you how you decide to interpret the whole thing nowadays. You can see that the man is committing already to take care of his wife and family, so there is a lot more on his shoulders if you look at it that way. Also, when the man proposes, you know that you can say no (as awkward as can be). I like to know that the man choses to make the step, I don't like the idea of an easy option of just saying yes on his part. I don't want to take the initiative on that side. What other people decide to do is up to them.

I love my engagement ring, I loved being proposed to, it means a lot to me, but it's very personal. I am free as can be in my marriage (I don't mean I am cheating), our house was bought with our 2 salaries, we have always been equal. I took time off with the kids, because I needed it physically. I love the jewelery I was given after giving birth

I am more than happy to take my DH name, because I want my kids to have the same name than us, so it's easier anyway. It's all good to chose to hyphenate, but what happen when they get married? Do they become Mr name1-name2-name3-name4?

Not quite

It's the other kind of manumission

The OP left me wondering TBH. Is there anyone who still goes to ask the father of the (hopefully) bride for his agreement?

I asked DH if he wanted to get married. He said yes. That was it.

He didn't get me a ring (but his mum gave him one from a distant relative and told him to use it to make said ring - there was no way he could say NO to his mum lol)
My parents had never met DH (due to the fact they were living overseas)

We must be weird !!

I love pizza way though. And I fully agree with Brie any other thing is always discussed before hand. Why on earth don't we do that about getting married?

It's not something I've really thought about. It's just an agreement to get married, and doesn't imply what OP is suggesting necessarily. I proposed first, then he did (so he could say he'd gone down on one knee, though he was naked at the time). Then he asked my dad for my hand in marriage, to which my dad replied "as long as you take the rest of her." We're always joking in my family. We didn't have a party or a ring, though we did meet up with both sets of parents for a meal out, as they hadn't met before.

I wouldn't have agreed to marry my OH if he had asked my father's permission first. The implication and assumptions make me feel ill. I didn't know of the tradition until I moved to the UK, it doesn't happen so much where I am from. My OH did "ask" me but that was after I had made it clear that I would like to marry him but was happy to wait until he was ready.

My SIL however, found it very important that my brother went to her father before they 'got engaged'. Mainly I think as it was important to her father to keep up the tradition. My brother found it terribly awkward and humiliating to have to ask for permission to marry the mother of his son.

This is very relevant as I have just seen a Facebook post of an acquaintances filmed public proposal followed by obligatory ring photo with the status "Finally he asked and I of course said yes!".

I don't get the 'waiting round to be asked' if you want to be married to someone it is a pragmatic discussion about values / finances / life choices etc followed by a marriage.

If DP and I decide to get married, I would want him to ask my DCs not my Dad as they are the ones who would have to live with him!

I waited for dh to propose and then did the big thing. Ridiculous behaviour that I'm ashamed of now (6 years later and very happily married).

I regret the big fancy wedding that cost us a fortune too but that's a different issue.

It was one of the most important decisions of our lives at the time - to get married - and I sat around waiting for a proposal rather than just having a grown up adult discussion about it. We don't book a weekend away without discussing it first, why would we not do the same about spending the rest of our lives together?!?

Anyway, I do think it's is a society/patriarchy thing. My brother is in a same sex marriage, his partner raised marriage with him as a topic "I would like to marry you, what do you think?" they discussed it and my brother agreed that he had been thinking along the same lines and a year later they got married. All very sensible and straightforward.

I don't know whether to ask about the leap day thing or the nerf gun thing Pizza

I proposed to my DP on leap day this year

Ahh. The one day every 4 years when it's the woman's turn

Tradition...It's got a lot to answer for.

Shall we get married?
Ok

Job done

But then there'd be no ring to show off to your friends or to post on FB.

Some women do propose though. I proposed to my DP on leap day this year with a cheapish plain steel band, by hiding in the pub we were running and leaving a note with a nerf gun. I literally shouted it at him as I fired one gun at him and then run away and carried on playing.

I don't know. If think betrothal has a slightly better history for women than weddings do. Engagement was the stage at which the contract was thrashed out, so women (of high enough background) had some value and even some agency at that stage.

Maybe we should consciously treat it the same way today? A time for eyes-wide-open planning and negotiation.

It's not a judgment of individuals, OP is inviting a discussion of societal norms. This can't be seen as 'judgmental.'

yoko I agree. It simply doesn't fit with how I view relationships and marriage. I also don't understand why taking a man's name is still (largely) the accepted practice in the UK.

If "getting engaged" is merely a synonym for "we've decided we want to get married and are going to organise a wedding", I've no problem with it. It's the "romantic" aspects of man dictating time and place, a huge amount of money going in a ring, pressure to accept a fait accompli, and any actual feeling from fathers that their permission is relevant - that stuff I find a bit creepy.

My dad is a traditionalist even when he knows it's illogical, so I suggested MrNC go ask him what he thought about us getting married - he was all in favour and told him so.
MrNC: That's good - as we would have gone and got married anyway.
Dad: I should hope so!