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Original poster

Why do girls let the boys get away with it?

339 replies

Weneedarevolution · 10/11/2016 18:33

My DS is doing A levels. In geography they have been put in a group of boys and girls - 5 students I think. They have to complete a project. The girls have organised and allocated th work, my DS has minimal work to do. He is GOOD at geography his input would help the girls. He is quite happy to let this happen as he can benefit from their efforts while getting on with other work.

His argument is that if they had asked him he would have gladly helped but they organised it and he just agreed. I really believe if the girls asked he and his friends would do the work to a high standard.

This has happened through out his school career, he and his friends almost expect it now.

So who is to blame the girls for not asking or the boys for letting it happen?

OP posts:
BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 10/11/2016 21:24

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SpeakNoWords · 10/11/2016 21:23

Will you raise it with the teacher? Allow them the chance to alter the apparent dynamic.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 10/11/2016 21:23

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Original poster
Weneedarevolution · 10/11/2016 21:23

Chips I really, really hope you are right.

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BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 10/11/2016 21:23

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BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 10/11/2016 21:22

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Original poster
Weneedarevolution · 10/11/2016 21:21

My DP probably does more than me in the house. My DS is happy to help in the house. He works well at school, the teachers like him and praise his work ethic. This is specifically about mixed group tasks. If boys like my DS aren't doing this work then the other 'really' lazy boys must be doing less than nothing!

Xenophile I am really pleased your sons work well in mixed group tasks at school, my understanding is that they would be the exception to the rule.

It seems to me to be a peer group issue. That is what is expected and accepted by both sexes. I dislike it and want it challenged by as many people as possible. Hence my original point, is this the boys who don't do it or the girls who don't ask them to do it?

OP posts:
ChipsForSupper · 10/11/2016 21:18

Perhaps they don't care about him/are not interested in him very much? Has he considered that?

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 10/11/2016 21:16

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BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 10/11/2016 21:14

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scaryclown · 10/11/2016 21:11

I dunno, i say this is terrifyingly like real life. The people who want to be leaders and task allocators allocating by criteria other than ability, and failing to understand the deep abilities and strength s of the people in the team before allocating tasks.

In the world of employment this happens over and over again, so why not now!.

The best think to do, i think, is to coach your DS to reflevt about whether this is good or bad for the task and the team, and how he feels as an individual, amd how he could make better use of the skills of oeople in the team more effectively.

Sadly the people who want to tell people what to do, are often not the people who shpuld be dping it.

How to.mamahe this and/or communicated cate his strengths epuld be a better lesson.

Howvyer I suspect this comes from a culture where outstanding achievement is seen as 'luck' and average achievememt as 'effort' so the girls may be resistant to giving your DS a chance to 'just get it right by luck' again, and..just like work..they might want to block his opportunity to shine deliberately so they look a bit better. The antithesis of team work..so that's worth raising as both learning about teamwork, but also with respect to undermining behaviour. .

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 10/11/2016 21:09

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Holowiwi · 10/11/2016 21:05

Just finished! Need to start Geography however.

CocoaX · 10/11/2016 21:04

My son is much younger and is pretty much on a par with his sister - they can both be lazy, equally they can both step up and be proactive with doing stuff. I am not noticing a difference there. DS would actually deep clean to his heart's content if I let him, but mainly as spraying stuff and wiping gives him sensory input (he is on the spectrum). Hoovering is too noisy for him, both children hate sorting laundry etc. It is an individual child thing and not a gender thing, I think, because it is just me and he is too young to look to outside role models (primary age).

By the way, I think a 16 year old boy is responsible for his own actions. There is a point where they are adults and have to make their own decisions.

Original poster
Weneedarevolution · 10/11/2016 21:03

Holowiwi are you my son?

Have you finished your chemistry homework?

OP posts:
Xenophile · 10/11/2016 21:02

I am the mother of two sons who get involved and do their fair share, because it's always been expected of them to do that, but then both of them want to succeed in what they do and not be seen to be lazy and useless.

SpeakNoWords · 10/11/2016 21:02

Will you raise this with the teacher?

JenLindleyShitMom · 10/11/2016 21:02

Is his dad around? Do you have a partner showing him a good example of "doing because its your responsibility rather than because you've been asked"?

Original poster
Weneedarevolution · 10/11/2016 21:01

Buffy so the girls don't have any responsibility to tell him. I can't tell him because I am a woman and I am causing the problem.

How does he learn?

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Holowiwi · 10/11/2016 21:00

I understand where your son is coming from, the work is not assessed, he is already good at the subject and the girls in his group seem happy to take over. If I was around his age I would happily let's others deal with it. It's not assessed so whatever work they come up with isn't going to bother me. If someone spoke to me about fairness at the age he is at I would just roll my eyes, I mean if the people in question want to do it then my minimal input isn't going to affect them negatively.

He is around 16/17? He probably won't change his view on this no matter what you say. He may have a different outlook when he is older though so it is still worth mentioning.

SpeakNoWords · 10/11/2016 20:59

Challenge him and keep challenging him. Tell him you're a bit disappointed in his attitude. Tell him it's no one else's responsibility but his own. It's not up to the girls in his class to force him to be a decent human being. Get your DH to do his fair share at home without you having to ask or remind, to model the behaviour you want.

Original poster
Weneedarevolution · 10/11/2016 20:59

Olennas "Maybe they want to work some stuff out for themselves, and they are worried that DS will jump straight to the answers without letting them think it through themselves?" I think this one. He would not take over, far too much effort.

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BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 10/11/2016 20:57

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OlennasWimple · 10/11/2016 20:56

maybe their experience of involving a boy / your DS in the detail is that the boy / your DS tends to take over, and they like being able to do things in their own way?

Maybe they don't like your DS?

Maybe they want to work some stuff out for themselves, and they are worried that DS will jump straight to the answers without letting them think it through themselves?

Original poster
Weneedarevolution · 10/11/2016 20:56

The teachers think he is brilliant. He is according to them quiet and hardworking.

When I ask him about fairness ( sorry it took so long) his response is along the lines, it was their decision, I would do it if asked (he would), they enjoy doing that kind of thing. He is deflecting, I know and he knows because I tell him. I know everyone else has fully formed perfect children but my DS is struggling with a wish to do the right thing vs his wish for an easy life.

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