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Original poster

So good you are out tonight

64 replies

jeaux90 · 05/11/2016 09:48

First post on this part of mn but an avid lurker. I work for a big tech company. I guess at least 80% of employees are men.

We are at a conference a specialist track within the company so maybe 300 of us there. I know a lot of the people.

We go out for a few drinks, group of 10, I'm the only woman (normal)

This younger dude who I hardly know looks me in the eye in front of the others and says "it's really good you came out tonight"

I saw red and asked him whether he thinks I prefer to stay home and knit. The other men piss themselves laughing but he then took me to one side and started an argument with me about it wasn't a sexist comment he made.

But it was right? I was gob smacked by it.

Question is ....anyone got a better retort? What should I have said or done?

OP posts:
Original poster
jeaux90 · 05/11/2016 11:13

Hmmmmbop it's really so I can explain why I don't think he fancies me really. Apologies if you think I was being judgemental based on age, I wasn't.

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 05/11/2016 11:13

I genuinely don't understand this. Hmm what exactly did he do wrong ? Is there some more context to this which we don't know about ?

Original poster
jeaux90 · 05/11/2016 11:11

Shantotto I think I will try your suggestion next time thanks!

OP posts:
HmmmmBop · 05/11/2016 11:11

To be honest, the fact that you keep referring to him as the young dude is far more patronising and judgemental than anything he said.

ageingrunner · 05/11/2016 11:11

Ok yes, based on that it does sound sexist and patronising

Original poster
jeaux90 · 05/11/2016 11:09

Ok so I appreciate all the views here. For what it's worth I am established meaning I am always out with the guys so no it's not like the first time. The dude hardly knows me at all or most of the guys in the group I was with. If he had made a general comment to the group about it's nice to see everyone out then I probably would have thought nothing of it.

I am mid 40's the dude was young 30's so I don't think he fancies me and even if he did it would be stupid of him to try and do it in front of my peers.

Thing is I doubted myself for a while until one of my colleagues then told me the same guy had ripped into him for being Welsh Confused

I just thought it was incredibly patronising and yes I agree with one of the posters who said that we are made to feel like a rare animals in a zoo but I am kind of used to it. I genuinely found what this guys said a bit shocking though.

OP posts:
LassWiTheDelicateAir · 05/11/2016 11:09

Interesting divergence between posters putting the worst possible interpretation on it..

Remember you are a mere woman, establishing dominance and relative status in a group of men is a far more pressing issue for them

I agree with you OP it's sexist. It has connotations of: "It's so brave of you to come out with all these men!"

Of course it was sexist! He didn't single out any of the men and comment on their decision to come out. It was sexist and fucking patronising

Men tend not to like it when a woman makes a fool of him in front of other men

and those who are interpreting it from a range of possible options in a work/social situation.

I agree with the post that it must be wearing being perpetually on the look out for something to take offence at.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 05/11/2016 11:06

OP, you're at a conference. It's normal for people at conferences to hang out in the evening. He commented that he was pleased you were there. As you said, the male:female ratio was normal. Normal for you. Normal for him too. I am struggling to find anything other than a simple expression of pleasure in what he said. I think you may have been unintentionally rude.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 05/11/2016 11:06

OK Shining, you think "daft" is a put down. I disagree with you. If I'd said you are daft then I would agree with you, but I didn't.

Shantotto · 05/11/2016 11:03

I say this all the time! Surely it's just a way to express its nice to see someone out in a social setting? I don't think it's strange. He could like spending time with you because he thinks you're a nice person!

I was often the only woman out with a group of men and if one of them said this I'd just say 'Oh thanks it's so good you made it out too! Great to see you!' type thing.

Shiningexample · 05/11/2016 11:02

In your opinion my opinion is 'daft'
That's a put down milk
Why not simply say you don't agree with me, why the need to ridicule my opinion?

TheHiphopopotamus · 05/11/2016 11:00

I'm struggling to see the sexism in this too, to be honest.

I've said it to female friends before because it was good they came out, and I was glad to see them. That's all.

Shiningexample · 05/11/2016 11:00

I agree the retort made her look defensive

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 05/11/2016 10:59

I didn't think I was defensive tbh, I was just giving my opinion.

Thisjustinno · 05/11/2016 10:58

I think you've made a fool of yourself.

Shiningexample · 05/11/2016 10:57

Op asked for opinions, I gave mine, you are free to disagree, no need to slap me down though
Why are you so defensive Milk?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 05/11/2016 10:56

Is it unusual for you to go out with colleagues in these circumstances?

If it's unusual for you to be out, but the others are frequently out socialising, then it wouldn't seem sexist to me

I've said it to female friends on a night out when I've been genuinely pleased they've come

my thoughts too.

Shiningexample · 05/11/2016 10:54

His initial comment may have been an attempt to establish some kind of status in the eyes of the other men by chatting you up a bit

Remember you are a mere woman, establishing dominance and relative status in a group of men is a far more pressing issue for them

HmmmmBop · 05/11/2016 10:53

Why have you assumed it's sexist? It must be exhausting to go through life overthinking things to this extent.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 05/11/2016 10:52

Shining - that's a daft thing to say! Nobody likes being made a fool of in front of anybody. If that's even how he felt, we don't know that he did.

Shiningexample · 05/11/2016 10:50

He picked a fight with you because your retort led to the other men laughing at him so he needed to pay you back for humiliating him

Men tend not to like it when a woman makes a fool of him in front of other men

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 05/11/2016 10:49

I've said it to female friends on a night out when I've been genuinely pleased they've come. Particularly if there's a reason why they might not have.

JosephineMaynard · 05/11/2016 10:46

Is it unusual for you to go out with colleagues in these circumstances?

If it's unusual for you to be out, but the others are frequently out socialising, then it wouldn't seem sexist to me.

But otherwise it's a weird thing to say.

BoredOfWaiting · 05/11/2016 10:45

I agree with you OP it's sexist. It has connotations of: "It's so brave of you to come out with all these men!"

He sounds like a twat.

newmumwithquestions · 05/11/2016 10:44

In what way is that sexist? He likes you, or did until you ripped into him in public. Given he took you to one side to disagree with you I'm struggling with what he did wrong here.

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