DH is 'glad' of verdict

Hillary, I see your point, in the first trial, CE being put away should have at least raised a question about the other chap being complicit.

To be clear, I expect I would have held a different view if on the original jury.

"The only question that I have is why wasn't the other guy who was in the room convicted of rape wouldn't he be an accessory to him raping her."

Juries do not disclose their reasoning.

However, I suspect in the first trial, they may have felt that CM had more grounds than CE for 'reasonable belief in consent' as he shared a taxi back to the hotel with the complainant and at least had conversation with her, unlike CE, who let himself in without invitation whilst CM and the complainant were naked in bed. Therefore they may have felt the case against CM wasn't proved beyond reasonable doubt.

The CPS could probably have charged CM with conspiracy to rape; I imagine they felt a rape conviction was more likely and chose that instead.

*To not give consent

I think your dh is reading news reports and believing the new witness. I have just read it it sounds awful. He made her sound loose like that is how she is getting drunk and falling into mens beds. If the woman was that drunk to give consent then no man should go near her he is taking advantage of her vulnerability. The only question that I have is why wasn't the other guy who was in the room convicted of rape wouldn't he be an accessory to him raping her. That must have been used in the court case. They got a lot wrong in that case and the person I feel sorry for is the victim she got it and her confidentiality was taken from her.

It is a distressing, shameful somehow, traumatic experience which you cannot name and you cannot give voice to because you grew up thinking that rape was something which happened when you were alone walking in a dark alley and not asleep in your own bed in your own house. A bit of a lightbulb moment for me here. About silencing women and not being allowed to define your abuse. Abuse being defined by the abusers.

It is kind of what is happening with your relationship, Hex. Someone has come on and defined what you can and cannot find acceptable in your relationship. Your husband, to a certain extent is defining it for you too.
You can choose to end a relationship (if that is what you want) when you want. When that line has been crossed. That line is a line you set, that is defined by you and no-one else gets a say in it .

Flippin'eck that video! Absolutely perfect. That should be a sticky at the top of this board and the Relationships and Sex as well.

It is funny, though - the prevalence of rape myths really can make one believe that if you are not being grabbed in a dark alley, it is not rape. It is a distressing, shameful somehow, traumatic experience which you cannot name and you cannot give voice to because you grew up thinking that rape was something which happened when you were alone walking in a dark alley and not asleep in your own bed in your own house. Or whatever other circumstance.

I like how you are pointing us 'all' in that direction, Rebecca.
That sounds like sarcasm, but it really did make me smile :)

Hope you are doing okay hex

Dont you think the situation of a woman who gets attacked walking home and raped is worse than the situation where a girl cant even remember what she did or not in a night where she was already having casual sex with a random?

Wtf? No I do not, rape is rape regardless of the circumstances. Just because someone is drunk, doesn't mean they are somehow at fault for being raped. Jesus Christ.

Hex I haven't seen your other post but wanted to say I was surprised by how strongly I was affected by the trial/verdict, it's been pretty horrifying and I have felt so upset and angry, a lot of very old feelings coming to the surface.

If you are in a similar kind of position is it possible for you to get some support, as PP said maybe from Rape Crisis/Womens Aid/a trusted friend? I know it must be hard as it should be your DH you lean on for support, but if he isn't giving it you still need the support for you from somewhere.

Obviously there are DH issues which you will probably want to tackle but I really feel you need this support at this time to enable you to have the strength to do this. Trying to separate the issue of any current feelings you're struggling with might be the best way so you have strength to tackle the DH problem?

Apologies if I've misunderstood, and I've probably worded it badly too but I hope you know what I mean. I'm so sorry things are so difficult and your DH is letting you down At least you can know you have lots of support here and people who know you are in the right and your feelings aren't wrong at all.

The thing is (and I don't know the post you are referring to, AF or hex , I am surmising from my own reactions) that high profile media cases where the woman is decried and devalued rather than seen as a victim of rape - these cases raise repressed trauma and experiences in women who have been raped. It is not like a one stop (getting over it), it is an on-going continual process of living and coping with it.

It was actually the Julian Assange case which did it for me, it triggered memories I had managed to suppress for a good number of years. It did not matter that my experience was over a decade previously, it felt real like it happened the day before. George Galloway made some public crass comments too, supporting Assange, so it was in the media. That triggered me to stop forgetting. It was not something I had control over, it was like my brain shouting at me to take notice and start healing. But also, from things my xH was saying, knowing that he would never 'get it' and from his behaviour, knowing I did not feel safe enough to heal there.

This is some years ago and I feel able to talk about it, but sexual violence goes to the core of you; and so does societal acceptance of it. And the more people who acknowledge, rather than minimise that/blame the victim, the better.

Hex

zefcal

Good morning, hex. Sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad just now. Have you got anyone IRL who you can talk to about this? Family, friend, or perhaps a professional? Sending you vitual support through the internet

No one deserves to have an upsetting experience minimised by their partner (or friend or relative, for that matter)

Hence: you deserve better.

As noted otherwhere, though, you are a middle of the night new registrant keen to tell women on this feminism board why they are wrong. So I shan't engage further.

#WeSeeYou

OP I haven't seen your other post but it may help to talk to your local rape crisis service about any personal experience or confusing feelings. It may help to hear from people who understand and care and get validation of how you feel. It helped me after a less than helpful response from my husband. (I emailed if that is an option for you).

zefcal - I am sure you may have a point somewhere, just not here. And indeed it's nothing to do with your opinion re innocence/guilt of CE, it's how the response of the OP's OH affects her.
You will also find that this isn't a 'whole forum of women' - there are two blokes so far here, that I know of. This isn't an 'us and them' matter.

Hex

I haven't seen your other post but if your H dismissed you talking about something that really upset or affected you by saying it's a long time ago, then you deserve better

You've made your point zefcal, and no one agrees with you, including the OP. So, enough now.

Clearly there are other issues that this has highlighted for the OP.