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Original poster

'Attractive'/'feminine' women treated differently in everyday social interactions?

57 replies

TwoLittleChickens · 19/09/2016 11:42

Just something that happened a few weeks ago which has stuck in my mind and I wanted to share it somewhere.

I was with a friend, we're both in our late 20s, and we went to buy ice cream and coffee from a kiosk. The young man who served me was friendly and helpful. He said things like "What can I get for you love?" and "would you like chocolate on that my love?". Then it was my friends turn to order. She is overweight and I suppose I would describe her as having a less typically 'feminine' face, and it was as if he completely changed personality. It was just something plain like "Can I take your order?" Maybe I am projecting and it was nothing to do with attractiveness but it's stuck in my mind, I am not sure if my friend even noticed it to be honest but if I was her I might have felt a little bit insulted.

After this I have been noticing a lot more often when I get served in shops or cafes that men talk to me in this way. Although I'm a feminist I do not mind being called "love" and "sweetie" in these contexts, but I obviously wouldn't want to be spoken to this way at work. I always saw it as just a gendered version of saying "Alright mate what can I get for you?".

(Not sure if this is relevant but I feel like adding that I'm not claiming to be an especially attractive woman - but being slim, young, with average looks and conventional clothing, I suppose I do fit in with western beauty ideals to some extent)

We all know that many opportunities do depend on looking a certain way or fitting in with beauty ideals - especially careers such as acting or modelling. And I've heard people saying "pretty" women get special treatment/freebies/favours more easily, but this is something I have not noticed in real life - only minor things like the one I described above. I guess what I'm really asking is if you have ever noticed differences like this in real life?

OP posts:
Original poster
TwoLittleChickens · 19/09/2016 12:24

Kr1stina

I sometimes wonder if that's partly down to Sir being more of a natural term than Ma'am or Madam...! It feels very odd, stifled and old fashioned calling a woman Ma'am or Madam - yet Sir sounds formal and polite.

I guess at school you call teachers Sir and Miss. Not Sir and Madam. But I think 'Miss' would be a bit odd in a customer service context.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwoLittleChickens · 19/09/2016 12:18

I've just thought of another one that happened recently! I was at a corporate event at work at a stadium and we entered restricted area to take a photo for a presentation. The security guards came in and were VERY strictly telling us to leave, no choice, just get out. A tall, elegant, well dressed woman in our group pretty much begged them to let us take the picture, please, it wouldn't take long, we would really appreciate it, it would only be one picture, etc! They were very skeptical but eventually agreed to allow it. I am almost certain they would not have agreed if anyone else had asked. In fact, she even managed to convince them to take the picture for us!

I bet if one of the geeky women or blokes in our group had asked they wouldn't have had a chance.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 19/09/2016 12:13

Yes I've seen this happen all the time .

In the same way, I've seen female staff be courteous to male customers and rude to female. I sometimes fly on business and as I stand in line at the check in, I notice the person at the desk greets every man in front of me with a beaming smile and " Good morning sir, how are you ? " in a sing song voice .

When I reach the desk they glance up and say " yes " without smiling. Sometimes they make a point of typing on their keyboard first .

Usually I then do the same fake smile and say " good morning , how are you. ? "

It's very irritating. Last time I checked I paid the same as the other passengers in business.

it happens so often that I'm sure it must be part of their training and not just someone having a bad moment ( that they recover from immediately they serve me ) .

VestalVirgin · 19/09/2016 12:00

sone people (and I mean you and your friend in this case) just seem more sociable and friendly though and so might get treated differently on those grounds? I suppose I'm talking about body language.

I don't think that explains it all. I am slim and pretty, but don't smile unless I have reason to, and look rather grumpy. I also am not sociable and friendly and probably do not look that way.

I think I would get way more random offers to buy me drinks or invitations to parties, if I was more approachable. But I do think my experience is different from that of women who don't fit the beauty ideals of our culture.

Granted, people who sell things don't tend to be overly friendly, but that's probably because they cannot reasonably expect to get something out of it. To grumpy women like me, men are only nice if they think they can get into my pants. Wink (Or if they are genuinely kind, NAMALT; etc,)

VestalVirgin · 19/09/2016 11:55

This is difficult to see, since we are all used to the way we ourselves are treated. One only notices it in situations such as you describe, when you and a very different looking friend interact with the same person in comparable circumstances.

I do suspect that I get some advantages out of being conventionally pretty, as some men who are very helpful turn out to be trying to hit on me, NiceGuy(tm) way. Since those men are often guys who barely know me, they obviously aren't doing that because of my charming personality.

My sister used to get men pay for her drinks, then walk away with her drink as soon as she got it. While men are not that choosy, I do think that a severely overweight woman, or a man, would have problems doing the same, as those men don't pay for drinks out of kindness.

StealthPolarBear · 19/09/2016 11:53

I can't say I have but it's an interesting one..
sone people (and I mean you and your friend in this case) just seem more sociable and friendly though and so might get treated differently on those grounds? I suppose I'm talking about body language.

sonlypuppyfat · 19/09/2016 11:53

Of course life is easier if you are better looking, the same goes for men to. I read somewhere people are more likely to be offered jobs if they are easy on the eye

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