Cavan family annihilation by a "brilliant Dad"

This reminds me of the initial reports of the Al-Hilli family shooting in the French mountains.
It was all (his name) and his wife and mother or mother-in-law, I can't remember. But the two women were not named and only written of in relation to the man.

I can't understand the grandmother at all. It's ...bizarre.

That's hearbreaking that even Clodagh's mother wasn't on her side.

I mean, I know that bearing a grudge only hurts oneself and even if you're not a christian there's a lot to be said for forgiving other people to free yourself, but...this quickly? It just makes me think that if, as seems likely, Clodagh's husband was not a good man, she had no-one to turn to It so reminds me of a woman I know who left her abusive husband and was vilified for doing so by her own family, who simply didn't believe that the man they knew and loved would also punch her from time to time. It all fed nicely into the family dynamic in which she was the scapegoat.

A "good father" really does have such a shittily low benchmark, doesn't it? I've been thinking about that a lot today.

I live in Ireland. Yes, Northern Ireland, which in Ireland. Some strange comments on this thread.

Anyway, did anyone see the front cover of today's Irish Mirror? I posted on the craicnet thread.

I FORGIVE HIM.

Gist: Mother-in-law says she forgives son-in-law saying 'it's not the Alan I knew'.

Personally, I hope he is currently burning in hell

Me too. However, is it in the public interest or is it just something the public would be interested in? I really don't know and can't think clearly about it. I feel sick to my stomach for Clodagh and her sons. She must have known as she died that her sons would be next. Its just unspeakable.

I read yesterday that the contents of his note will not be made public. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I understand that the privacy of remaining family members should be respected. On the other hand, it makes me uneasy and I'm not sure why.

#HerNameWasClodagh
He had the presence of mind to leave a note on the back door telling whoever came to the house next (which happened to be Clodaghs mother) to not go in and to call the Gardai.
He left another letter "explaining" himself inside the house.
He killed his wife and then his sons.
He did not just suddenly "snap" and have some kind of breakdown. It took planning and calculation.
He was not a good man/father/anything.
He was a murderer.

I have to say I think it's very unusual for a murderer to be buried with his victims and I just don't understand why her mother wanted it to happen at all.

I am glad I chanced upon this thread.

This is not an Irish problem - it's a global issue in that woman's voices are unheard when abuse comes into the picture. The "great dad" eulogies have made me sick.

There is a parallel thread on boards.ie which has lots of men on it, all of whom are as appalled at the media reporting on this case.

My blood runs cold when I think of what may have happened in the final hours in that house.

Oh I see. Ok, that's a fundamental difference of ideology which isn't appropriate for this thread. NI is just a different country to me, that's all. I would never presume to describe the lived experience of people who live there as I have never lived there.

I wouldn't for a second be rude about your own personal identity. But I don't agree I have less right to commentate on Irish matters than you!

'Violence of this nature doesn't just happen in a vacuum.'

Absolutely right. I dread to think what that poor woman may have gone through before she died and what people may well be saying privately about her now, in their rush to talk about what a lovely man and great dad her husband was. As if there is anything she could possible have done that would justify what he did.

You're right Doin, it seems there is officially nothing a man can do to lose his 'great dad' title.

The decision to bury them all together is ...... well, I just don't know what to say.

I'm extremely heartened by the outcry about the erasing of Clodagh's name from the story though. I'm not sure that would have happened a few years ago.

The cognitive dissonance around any kind of DV is immense. I spent 7 years with someone incredibly violent and controlling. I suffered in silence and still have permanant injuries now. He was universally worshipped in our social circles as being a 'top bloke'. No-one believed me except a handful of female friends that I confided in.

My then best friend is now married to him. That is how deep dissonance around DV goes. He is also, many years later, still regarded, in his social circles, as being a 'top bloke'.

It's funny how so many women suffer with mental health problems and manage to not murder their entire family in a violent way, isn't it?

Oh sorry, you're in ROI? I was mistaken.

Horrendous.

I used to work with a woman whose husband everyone loved - I always thought he was a bit off. Something about him made me uneasy. Anyway, he once beat her so badly he burst one of her kidneys and she was in hospital for a good long time - thankfully she survived.
The response from those around us was not 'fucking hell, let's support you to get away from this asshole.' But 'well X can be a big difficult, she probably pushed him a bit too far, he's a good bloke.'
The 'oh he's a good man/this is what you get when you push too far/poor tortured chap' narrative is alive and well.

You live in the UK. I remembered you from Brexit threads. NI, if I'm remembering correctly.

But please forgive me if I've gotten you confused with someone else. Which is possible.

There is always always always a controlling abusive man behind murders like this. Probably previously violent. Violence of this nature doesn't just happen in a vacuum.

He was a fucking nasty little shit who should be vilified and the language around him should reflect that. People don't just snap and become mass murderers overnight and that needs to be recognized. Not least by the press. They positively wallow in the drama of it (not entirely unexpected) however you can still make it dramatic by stating what he is.

And yy to Bertrand. The invisibilising of women. Women defined in relation to men.

The lengths people will go to excuse the behaviour of men.