New mothers need the whole story about AP.

For me all this stuff was just common sense because it suited me.

For my friend who had a ravenously hungry baby and a back problem, it was common sense to take a different approach!

I'd like to point out, though, that formula feeding doesn't guarantee a good night's sleep at all. Of my peer group, those who have struggled with sleep problems have been AP and non-AP... seems like it's down to the baby's temperament and physical needs as much as the parenting methods.

wizzywig do you want to be co sleeping with a 7 yr old? It's not clear and I don't want to be presumptuous.

But I got judged by more than one person (including HV) about the co-sleeping - people will judge on anything at all if they are so inclined.

My DS1 would be sleeping in our bed if he could - we gently encouraged him into his own bed about 2.5 (yes, in general I was the one that spent the 30 mins with him until he went to sleep), and apart from a brief stints when he was 3 and ill/recovering, he's slept in his own bed ever since. His brother would prefer that I went and slept with them (he objects to DP's snoring), but again, as an adult, I've made the call that co-sleeping isn't going to work any more, so we don't.

My dad used to say that rules were for the guidance of wisemen, and the obedience of fools - and whilst that's not something I'm entirely grateful he's taught my kids, it's a good rule for life - step back and think about a rule rather than follow it blindly - chuck it out if it's not working.

Oh and slings are brilliant!

Used a soft stretchy wrap tie initially, then an Ergobaby, and then a Tula Toddler carrier. Revolutionised my ability to get out of the house and do things easily! And LO loved it.

If they are hurting your back then like with backpacks you need some professional help in getting it fitted right.

Or if you have a pre-existing medical condition that would be made worse by carrying a backpack or sling, then just be sensible and don't do it, end of...

Bertie: "You're mothering too much, it's for your benefit"

Jesus, do people say that? See, the whole thing makes me so angry. We're bringing up the sodding baby, leave us to get on with it.

What an odd post. No, I don't think women are generally disingenuous about AP. If it happens at all, I'd say it was very rare. I've had friends give up on AP, or become drawn to an AP approach, but it's very much a personal decision and I think people are generally honest about what does or doesn't work for them. Why wouldn't they be?

It's not something that I tend to talk to my other mum friends about in person, but my LO has slept in my bed from early on (not immediately as there is so much pressure not to that I didn't realise it was an option). Once I'd done some proper research into the risk factors of co-sleeping, I realised that in fact it is very safe if done safely.

I also exclusively breastfed and again found this much much easier because we didn't really have to fully wake up in the night to do feeds and I never had to sterilise any bottles or remember to take formula/bottles with me.

It's a very rare baby that sleeps well for the initial months, but I never felt really exhausted either despite night feeds, and by around 4-5 months we were sleeping through the night regularly and I would say my quality of life was fantastic.

I didn't do AP to the extent of giving up work; I returned to part-time work when LO was just under a year old and then back to full-time work within a couple of months of that. The breastfeeding didn't cause any issues as LO just had water or soy milk during the day time and was happy to BF at bedtime and in the mornings. Also, I didn't find that my attachment parenting made it difficult to leave her with the childminder. But probably I followed a child-led approach in terms of putting a lot of effort in to find the right person that my LO clearly felt comfortable with (who has become a close family friend) and doing the settling-in gradually over a few days. LO then went to nursery a year later and is very independent and well-adapted. I still breastfeed and co-sleep; LO is now 3.

1. So yes, my experience was very positive in terms of both sleep, health, and how my LO has developed and grown up.

1. I didn't experience any pressure to attachment parent. I did experience pressure NOT to; e.g. being warned off co-sleeping, feeling like I had to apologise for breastfeeding openly.

1. I don't tend to talk about my experiences, but am happy to if somebody expresses an interest or asked me. My strongly held view is that every mother should be supported in making their own decisions that suit them and their children, and that we are all different!

Yep I think arseholes are arseholes. They come from all walks of life and make life harder for ordinary folk who aren;t arseholes.

Now if we could outlaw people being arseholes I think that is something I could get behind. But ensuring AP parents give everything a warning is a but unworkable.

What would I do write something like this every time i talk about parenting?
I found cosleeping worked for me {for the interests of new parents please be advised that AP suggestions may not work for you}

It's also a feminist issue when a woman is expected to be sexually available as soon after giving birth as possible...........

"How about we just don't tell women how to parent?"

Of course. But we do, constantly, and it's women doing it. It's women being evangelical about whatever thing they think is best and acting as if any other choice is bad for the baby.

How many bunfights have we seen on MN alone about the benefits or otherwise of various birthing/feeding/parenting choices? And we're pretty reasonable to each other! It's really easy for new mothers to think "I must do x no matter how hard I find it or I'll have failed".

It's not AP, it's the whole damn thing!

There is a definite issue about new mothers getting corralled into "tribes" and feeling like anyone slightly outside of the tribe is "against" them - I certainly got pulled into this. But I don't know that that is a feminist issue. I think it's more perhaps about the separation of adults and children in our culture, so that babies are something alien, so that new mothers are isolated, that there is a lot of advice being literally sold and competed for in a marketing way which can be confusing, and is really unhelpful.

It's a feminist issue that women are told "You must parent in X way because it's the best and if you can't/don't want to do it then you're a failure as a mother."

It's also a feminist issue when women are told "You're mothering too much, it's for your benefit, you're being selfish".

I think cosleeping is part of ap? Im in the situation where my 7yr old is still in my bed. I say my because me and my husband now all cant fit in our bed so one of us sleeps in another bed. And this isnt something we wanted. He chose to always sleep in our bed.

How about we just don't tell women how to parent? AP is one idea among many. Anything which claims that one way is better or worse than another is disingenuous because there IS no one right way to do things.

I think this is a really interesting issue. Firstly, I've no bias against AP, I think we should do exactly what makes us and our babies content.

BUT, I think the impression exists (and no it won't accord with many/most people's reality) that some ways of parenting are 'better', more committed, more fully maternal. And that other parenting styles are lazy, easier, more artificial. I think this is a problem for women and a feminist issue.

Extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, a non- interventionist birth, are a standard to be aspired to in many circles. We know many women feel a great sense of failure when one or more of these things doesn't happen.

A elective cs, formula feeding, routine led mother can be judged negatively, in my experience. And there are real issues about what parenting styles are possible for a woman who needs to go back to work as soon as possible.

Basically, so much about motherhood is used as a stick to beat women with and sometimes AP stuff can be part of that.

I think this is a really interesting issue. Firstly, I've no bias against AP, I think we should do exactly what makes us and our babies content.

BUT, I think the impression exists (and no it won't accord with many/most people's reality) that some ways of parenting are 'better', more committed, more fully maternal. And that other parenting styles are lazy, easier, more artificial. I think this is a problem for women and a feminist issue.

Extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, a non- interventionist birth, are a standard to be aspired to in many circles. We know many women feel a great sense of failure when one or more of these things doesn't happen.

A elective cs, formula feeding, routine led mother can be judged negatively, in my experience. And there are real issues about what parenting styles are possible for a woman who needs to go back to work as soon as possible.

Basically, so much about motherhood is used as a stick to beat women with and sometimes AP stuff can be part of that.

No I think it's like quoting aresholes being arseholes.

Yes it is, because AP (to them) was the one, true way. Everything else was inferior parenting and there was an immense pressure to confirm. Anything less was failing your kids, even if it broke the parent.

"But oh god, the JUDGMENT from some of those AP was extreme. Hundreds of posts about how heartbroken they were for their neighbour's baby who used Pampers. Or vaccinated. Or, God forbid, fed poison (formula) to their baby."

But that's nothing to do with Attachment Parenting!

"But oh god, the JUDGMENT from some of those AP was extreme. Hundreds of posts about how heartbroken they were for their neighbour's baby who used Pampers. Or vaccinated. Or, God forbid, fed poison (formula) to their baby."

Some of this verges on the mentally unwell/obsessive. I have seen a lot of it here in Ireland but in a patriarchal culture where women's bodies are public property I think it reflects the agitation of this oppression so it becomes a social ranking activity based on threat and status.

I really believe extremes like this are reflective of and an understandable reaction to systemic oppression in many cases.

Surely what you are actually saying g is all parents should keep a sense of perspective, assess what working and what isn't, assess what they would be comfortable with, or couldn't do and move from there.
This would be true in regards to any 'parenting philosophy' or advise not just ap.
The trouble is with anyone who says this worked perfectly for me and would work perfectly for you too and is the only way anyone e should parent. When it's much more personal than that.
The trouble is as new parwnts are very vulnerable and want to do their best and sometimes get fixated on a certain way of doing things. But this isnt unique to ap.
In fact ap is often a welcome alternative for people who have been told Gina Ford/routine/sleep training in/rod for own back comments.

A long time ago, I used to spend quite a bit of time reading mothering.com. AP definitely negatively affected some of those women, but had minimal affect on the fathers. It was the women who were taking years out of the workforce because ap didn't use childcare. And then they often homeschooled right through the the college years. It was invariably the mothers who went to bed at 7pm because the 5 year old children couldn't sleep alone. It was the mothers who washed the cloth diapers. It was the mothers who often didn't have a social life beyond their children. And the mothers who couldn't leave a shitty relationship because they'd put the children first for 5, 10, 15 years and had no recent work experience (the benefit safety net being significantly less in the US.)

So at the extremes, yes it can negatively affect women. A bit of sling wearing and co sleeping, big whoop.

But oh god, the JUDGMENT from some of those AP was extreme. Hundreds of posts about how heartbroken they were for their neighbour's baby who used Pampers. Or vaccinated. Or, God forbid, fed poison (formula) to their baby.

+1000 Mrs mermaid.