Why do (some) men sexually abuse/rape?

I agree that, especially for rape that is not 'stranger down a dark alley' too many men, and sometimes women who know them, don't see what they have done as 'real' rape. The same applies to sexual assualt/unwanted sexual advances- even now I hear people making excuses and minimising such actions.

But I think that it goes further than this. I think that society gives out messages that actually encourage this type of behaviour to some degree. There seems to be a sense that sometimes men get caught out and go too far, rather than that unwanted sexual advances are wrong (ie making unwanted advances, even when they know that they are unwanted is OK, as is some level of action so men are unlucky/make a mistake if they misjudge when to stop). I'm not suggesting that all sexual advances (from either gender) are necessarily wrong- but that this should stop as soon as one party indicates that they do not want this.

For example, on the radio the other day there had clearly been some discussion about cat calling/wolf whistling and they were reading out listeners' comments. The general consensus seemed to be that this was OK and actually quite a compliment. TV/media/society seem to increasingly send out messages that boys/men will all spend time looking at porn and this is fine. It is seen as a desirable trait (at least by other men) for a young man to be able to persuade lots of women to sleep with him. Meanwhile young women are expected to be flattered if a man in a club grabs her, makes personal comments, 'dances' against her etc.

Added to this, as some PP have already mentioned, there are instances where it is apparent that people have sex without informed consent where society seems to accept (and I would actually say encourages or at least is amused by)- the most obvious being men who 'pull' obviously very drunk women.

There are also lots of examples in films/TV etc of originally unwanted advances/exploitative relationships leading to happily ever after. So I think many men think that this is what women really want after all. It doesn't help when there are quite a few women who agree.

I can't believe I'm about to do this, but there's actually a good Doc McStuffins episode on consent (!)

It revolves around tickling, and how, just because someone is laughing, it doesn't mean they are enjoying it, and you should look at how they're behaving and what they're saying.

I think that you really do need to start that early on the whole concept, and work on both sides - both that you should be taking a holistic view of whether a person wants to be doing what you're doing with them, and also, that it's perfectly fine to not like something and to expect someone to stop.

I think that whilst lots of men are horrified at the idea, there are also a large proportion who view it just as AyeAmarok says - of rules-jockeying to get what they want whilst staying on the side of plausible deniability legally

In the end, it is all about men thinking that their desires matter more than the health, lives, and feelings of women.

Whether a rapist rapes because he wants to stick his dick into something, or because he wants to harm a woman, both have the same underlying mindset of thinking that he matters more.

Some rapists may not view what they do as rape (= criminal act) but they sure do know exactly that they are prioritizing their own desires over a woman's lifelong mental health, physical health and happiness.

In my opinion, it is a waste of time to try and analyse rapists in the hopes that an understandable motive comes to light. It is what women are socialized to do - have empathy with men - but what good does it bring?

I don't think we can educate men to not rape women; I think we should focus on making sure no rapist walks free.
The rapists can then spend their time in prison figuring out why they rape and how to not do it again.

I think men can behave differently, but as it is obvious that rape myths abound, then this can probably best be done in a formal educational context ie. by making sure that consent is a subject that is covered in PHSE lessons from a very young age, and is even covered in Early Years education. Obviously not sexual consent for tiny children, but kind hands, safe bodies type lessons.

I think some men are raised being told they can do anything they like

A woman saying no, is something they don't like. So they push themselves on her. When she doesn't resist because she has frozen in fear, they take this as a "look at how persuasive I can be" and goes ahead

"So can men in this category be educated to behave differently? "

I think so.

Because some people still think rape is a strange man dragging a woman down an alley way or into a bush.

Because men don't like to be told no

Because it's a way of putting a woman in her place

Because it's a way men get to show how much power he has

Because he wants to

That's a failure of education (by their parents, school, society). and the criminal justice system

Sorry, missed a bit.

Rapists rape because they know that the chances are that they will get away with it.

While I do agree with this in some scenarios, I also think a lot of men don't actually consider what they do to be "rape", or "real rape".

Eg, when they keep pushing the boundaries a little even when the woman has said she doesn't want to, they don't think that's rape, just that the woman needed "persuading", and that that is part of normal sexual interaction.

When they go out to bars/clubs looking for women who are drunk enough that they'd shag them, they don't consider the fact that the woman wouldn't do this if she weren't really drunk to be them taking advantage, just normal expectations.

Some would be horrified to hear their actions described as rape. Look at Ched Evans, Adam Johnson, Brock Turner etc. They genuinely don't believe it. That's a failure of education (by their parents, school, society).

It's grim.

Sorry to hear what's happened to you.[flow]

Sorry to hear what you have been going through, I hope you get the strength to get through to the other side, a better life is waiting for you.

Like Jaquetta says it is mostly because the perpetrators don't really think of women as "real people" but as possessions (whether belonging to themselves or belonging to a different man). In their mind, penetrative sex is a way of asserting ownership and control.

There are loads of good decent men who do not think of women like this and who respect their partners. Sadly women who experienced a childhood dominated by a misogynist tend to be attracted to misogynists in adult relationships - it's not an easy cycle to break.

On a human level, I find it similarly incomprehensible. I think, though, that the men who commit these acts feel entitled to sex so it doesn't matter to them whether the other person is willing or not.

I think a lot of it is about 'punishing' women, too.

Rapists rape because they know that the chances are that they will get away with it.

Even if a woman reports a sexual assault or rape, the chances that the perpetrator will end up being punished are low, and once a rapist has got away with it once, they just keep on doing it.

I'm sorry for your experiences, trying.

IMO, rape exists on a spectrum of behaviours where society views women as "not quite" people. For example, statements that women "should be flattered" by catcalling prioritise the catcaller's desire to do it over the discomfort of his target.