Not feminist enough if you're heterosexual.

I am a sahm so of course I do most of the childcare, that's my job! Other than that I think our relationship is equal. Not that I think me being a sahm makes it unequal but I know some will see it that way. I'm under no illusion that our relationship is the norm, however. Women put up with a lot of shit.

I just read this rather interesting text on heterosexual sexuality, and thought it might fit here.

Here's a quote, the part of the article I found most interesting. (Writer is referring to how for the first time in her life she was in a relationship with someone who didn't want sex very often).

"I won’t go into detail, but suffice to say I did not always behave well in response to being given the cold shoulder. And as someone who has been on the other end of the situation, I had a lot of conflict to deal with. But when, after… well… a couple of years… I came to realise that I did not NEED sex (just like I have been saying that men do not NEED sex), and I had no right to try to manipulate a person into having sex with me, which was essentially what I was doing, I was finally able to be critical of what I had previously assumed. I had completely absorbed the idea that my value was linked to whether or not men saw me as a sexual object. The accepted ‘norm’ within a heterosexual relationship is that the man ‘requires’ sex and he desires it from his partner, who is thus made desirable and useful. She has something of value, something he wants, and he seeks to obtain it from her. Women are ruthlessly programmed to want to be desirable and useful, to feel valuable when men want to have sex with us. It makes us feel ‘good enough’."

Link: alvahlyall.wordpress.com/2016/01/19/women-who-really-love-sex/

Oops, radfem, not redfem.

Sorry Felas, I did read your response. Something came up and I was in a bit of a hurry to ensure Bert, that I was not just picking her out when I name checked her. I'm sure you're a fine feminist.

I'm not redfem, nor are most Mnetters (or the friends of Mnetters as discussed upthread), so I just wanted to know what goes on for the radfems here.

I'm not a "specimen"!

You say you lie in an equal relationship- so you know what one looks like. Many women on here do not. Some are aware that they don't but aren't sure what is wrong or how to change it.

I answered thanks very much dione. Maybe I don't count as one of the feminists on here though

Read the previous times I asked. Firstly I asked everyone. No answer. Then I asked you and the OP as you two were still here. You responded, but didn't answer the question. So I asked you by name.

Really?
"What's the position in your house Bert?"
sounds a bit like asking me!

I would like to know a bit about such things in Radfem households. I wasn't just asking you.

Why do you want to know?

What's the position in your house Bert?

Has anyone noticed how similar the title of this thread is to that other one?

"I am not enough of a feminist because I am heterosexual like men."

I know, I know, she doesn't mean "I like men" that way (though she obviously does like men that way, too), but the similarity ... I am not sure what to make of that.

Conservatives and nasty feminists actually agree on something?

"he majority of my friends and all my family (with the exception of Dbro) are in equal relationships wrt children and housework"

Good. But it appears not to be a majority position on Mumsnet.

The majority of my friends and all my family (with the exception of Dbro) are in equal relationships wrt children and housework.

OP, Bert and others in a relationship with a male, do you do more than your DPs when it comes to the home and DCs? Do you feel that you put more into your relationships than your DPs do?

And the chorus of "oh, isn't he good!!!!!!^ when a man shows even the most basic of domestic skills does seem to bear out the point!

Are you talking about people online? That's not the same as irl.
I assure you if you ventured into other spaces online you'd experience much worse abuse from men than from occasional women questioning if some choices are feminist.
People are dicks online, we know this.

My default isn't that men are to blame, but I look at my friends and colleague and there is a definite theme of the men being crapper at home and with the kids than the women.

Perhaps my circle is wildly unrepresentative, but I see nothing in popular media, MN chats, sitcoms etc to think that actually it's all the people I know who are unusual

" or is it just your default position that – when there is no evidence of blame for what happens in other peoples relationships ~ then men being terrible is always the deciding factor? "

No, of course it's not! But don't you ever read the relationship boards? or AIBU or Chat? They are packed with threads about fathers of families not being able/willing to do the most basic things necessary to keep the family running smoothly- not being able to cook, or put children to bed.....there are hundreds of them. Things that anyone would be able to do- like making beans on toast without creating an enormous mess and failing to clean it up. Not like tiling or plastering, which are specialist skills, which, frankly, most men probably can't do either!

I think my DH is awesome, sometimes he does annoying stuff but sometimes I do too. I think we are pretty equal at home, work and in our relationship. Sometimes I think I was lucky to find him and sometimes I think our relationship wouldn't have worked if he was more traditional as I just don't do a lot of "wife work" do of he wants it doing he does it himself

Can I just say that I'm not saying radical feminists in relationships with men "are letting the side down". Far from it! But I do recognise that withdrawing labour and PIV from men is are (IMO valid) radical feminist view points. I initially responded because some of the posts seemed to be around how mad or extreme these views are. Whereas they are tackling the root of the problem i.e. women's oppression; male entitlement; male privilege; even male violence and sexual violence. And tackling the root of the problem is what radical feminism is all about.

I don't think women necessarily have to agree with that or live by those rules but neither do I think these ideas should be ridiculed and written off as 'bollocks'. They aim to move the Overton Window. It's all too easy to write off ideas by women as being bollocks or questioning women's sanity. It's been done for centuries.

They still need doing though... So who are these men being so awful then? Do you have names and examples we can look, at or is it just your default position that – when there is no evidence of blame for what happens in other peoples relationships ~ then men being terrible is always the deciding factor?

I knew contributing to a thread in 'feminist chat' was going to end up like this. It's my own fault..

OP and other posters here with male DPs, do you think that you put more into your relationship than your DP does?