Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Recovery from sexual harassment in work

92 replies

DailyFailAteMyFish · 28/05/2016 09:29

Hi,
Anyone have any books/websites I could read to help recovery from an incident of sexual harassment in work? It was a bit unsavory and has knocked my confidence a bit. I work in a male dominated industry and was on a promotion track. I am so angry with this guy and so angry with myself that a few comments and can have such an impact.

OP posts:
Original poster
DailyFailAteMyFish · 30/05/2016 12:56

Thanks for your reply!
Yes, it's going to disciplinary. It's all new to me so I'm not sure what the process will be beyond the policy I read and what my manager has told me.
I understand the case is pretty clear cut and not realy open to a 'he said'/'she said' interpretation but obviously I will not feel clear about it until I hear formally.
I do think I should ask for counselling, though I feel much better for Buffy's guidance. I understand now that this is not my fault, that there is nothing I could have done and that the man is a shit.
Next step is how to handle the fallout in work and inevitable gossip. I will cross that bridge once the shit has attended the disciplinary meeting.

OP posts:
erinaceus · 30/05/2016 06:39

"...another dysfunctional one..." I am not sure what I think the first dysfunctional relationship was.

Oh for an edit button.

erinaceus · 30/05/2016 06:38

Crikey, if you are going to disciplinary then absolutely get support for yourself, from counselling, from Mumsnet, from friends... - someone outside your organisation. As Buffy says, counselling is hit-or-miss and whilst the EAP for example is likely to have the advantage of being at no cost to you you may not get to choose your counsellor and then you end up in a functionally useless counselling situation if your counsellor does not help you. Counselling is a relationship and if you end up in another dysfunctional one you could make the situation more difficult.

I had not appreciated your case would go to disciplinary. Do you have someone giving you a clear understanding of the disciplinary process and what you might expect the outcome to look like? You might also consider getting support for your marriage if you feel that that has taken a knock.

So sorry to hear you have to go through this, and that Buffy has been through this too. I totally agree that there is no good setting up some sort of hierarchy of distress. It is possible to feel grateful that the abuse was not physical without dismissing the real damage that was done to you and the distress you experienced and are experiencing, which sound real to me.

Flowers
Original poster
DailyFailAteMyFish · 29/05/2016 13:13

That is a very good point Buffy, turned around I would not think I had a right to sexually harass my boss If he was nice to me.
My immediate boss is nice to me an I have never felt the need to talk to him about seeing him naked.
Thank you so much for talking me through this. I really do feel like I've had a breakthrough of sorts. I feel so much better.

OP posts:
BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 29/05/2016 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DailyFailAteMyFish · 29/05/2016 10:36

I am normally more eloquent by the way :)

OP posts:
Original poster
DailyFailAteMyFish · 29/05/2016 10:30

So this I can work with.
The horrible thing he did was always going to happen because he is a shit.
By reporting him I have stated that his behaviour it not going to be tolerated and he is not going to get away with it. I have stated that he is a shit.
It was always going to end this way not because he was making a judgement on my managerial skills or my marriage but because he was treating me as a piece of flesh that he thought he could use to get his jollies of with.

OP posts:
BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 29/05/2016 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 29/05/2016 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DailyFailAteMyFish · 29/05/2016 10:08

So basically, I could have done anything. I could of not pointed out his role was valuable, not attended an after work event with my husband which the guy just happened to be at, not been nice when he had to take a day off at short notice and the guy would still have done the shitty thing he did because he is a shit?

OP posts:
BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 29/05/2016 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DailyFailAteMyFish · 29/05/2016 09:56

Buffy, you're right, maybe I've just been too careful in my searches.
I find it hard to reconcile the harassment with assault as it was only words and assault seems to me like something physical.
I'll look at bullying, there must be something out there. I don't think my sad twisted brain can be that unique :)
Thanks again for your help.

OP posts:
Original poster
DailyFailAteMyFish · 29/05/2016 09:49

Buffy thanks so much for your story and the offer.
I think what upset me the most is this guy was almost reporting to me directly, I assigned him work and discussed it with him. I worked at showing how well the team worked together and that this guy's contribution was valuable. I did this because I wanted to secure the role for the team and the extra funding. I work in the same company as my husband (though not with him), the guy had met my husband, spoke with him. The guy's harassment almost feels like a judgement on my marriage, that he felt after having me my husband seen us socially that I would be open to an affair.

In reality though I suppose the guy is not that deep. He's, I suspect, a dirty old man who didn't think he'd get caught and thought I'd treat it as banter.

OP posts:
BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 29/05/2016 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DailyFailAteMyFish · 29/05/2016 09:39

Thanks so much for replying both of you.
Erinaceous, I believe I should be able to get counselling through work, we do have policies like the ones you mention in place and I have seen it suggested as part of the outcome of the disciplinary that will take place. I had hoped there would be a simple guide I could follow that would outline the stages following sexual harassment, which would explain what my mind was doing (because it seems I am horribly naïve) but there is nothing, just a long list of how it can screw you up, which I find unhelpful.
I will try the counselling and see if it helps. Thank you for the validation. I appreciate it.

OP posts:
BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 29/05/2016 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

erinaceus · 29/05/2016 03:58

Hi DailyFailAteMyFish

I am sorry to hear that you went through this, and that your confidence was knocked as a result. Did you stay with the same employer?

I am no expert but I would have said that this is something that you would benefit from talking through with a trained professional. Does your employer have an Employee Assistant Program or Occupational Health department? You might find that a few sessions of counselling accessed through one of these could help you to deal with the anger towards yourself and him, and get your previously confident attitude back.

I am an advocate of counselling and other talking-based approaches and know people in my workplace who have used them as well, particularly the EAP about which I have heard good things although I never used it myself. The advantage of the EAP is that it is independent of the employer and your employer never even need to know that you reached out to them for support.

This is my suggestion; beyond that, post here for validation - I believe you. Flowers